Sunday, February 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. That’s what you get when you walk into the local barber college while they are teaching a group of North Korean students how to do the Kim Jong-un.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. Not only was it a bad cut, it cost $50. It would have been even worse except that the price included the bowl the stylist used for the cut.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. The problem started when the stylist thought his 50% off coupon meant he wanted one side of his head shaved.

A dietary advisory group is suggesting electronic monitoring devices to limit the screen time of teenagers. The only problem is with the parents who consider screen time as an electronic monitoring device.

Pope Francis I told members of the Mafia the Church will welcome them back if they repent. To which the Mafia is saying “You first.”

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter says he may slow down the troop withdrawal in Afghanistan. Apparently he is thinking if we threaten to leave them there long enough the Afghans will finally just say that we won the war to get rid of us.

A man in London who was on the way to a job interview cursed out a person on the subway only to find out it later it was the person interviewing him. Which is actually the same thing as watching an episode of “The Apprentice” in reverse.

The government says it sent 800,000 Obamacare customers erroneous tax information. Although the customers say that it is still a lot less bad information than they dealt with when they were using the Obamacare website.

Land Rover has recalled 61,000 vehicles for software problems with their airbags. What software do you need for an airbag? They should probably just program it so when the car goes from 60 to zero in less than a second, it’s probably a good time to start inflating.

The DNC says that voters think that Democrats stand for “a laundry list of disparate ideas.” Although after the last election, most Democrats were asking “What voters?”

The IRS is warning taxpayers about a “dirty dozen” of tax scams. Which is referring to the 12 people in the country who still actually have an income.

A New York bank has agreed to stop a policy that kept poor and low income people from opening checking and savings accounts. Although most people refer to that policy as “the economy.”

Lockheed Martin has agreed to pay $62 Million to settle a lawsuit over their 401(k) plan. The loss means there will have to be cutbacks to make up for the $62 Million. As many as three of their new F-35 fighter jets won’t come with flashlights for the pilot.

A new book is urging Gen Y, people in their 20s and 30s to take control of their finances. That is, besides having a jar labeled “paper route tips.”

A report says a loophole in the immigration law is costing thousands of Americans jobs. But not as many jobs as the holes in the fence along the Mexican border.

A report says that U.S. arms suppliers are making billions of dollars because of the defense spending by Middle East countries over tension in that part of the world. Which is good for defense contractors since they no longer are making billions of dollars from us invading them trying to take their oil.

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Which is unfortunate since what better place to study poverty than at a college where graduates will soon be trying to pay off $100,000 in student loans with a minimum wage job?

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Apparently they feel there is no need to research poverty since everyone knows it is already caused by Republican economic policies.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. For one thing, they will try to get players to take their PEDs in pill form to save the time it takes to give themselves all those injections.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. Starting next year, they will declare the Cubs mathematically eliminated from the playoffs at the beginning of the season so they don’t waste time trying to actually win any games.

Amazon is reportedly planning to sell designer clothes online. Because what woman wouldn’t feel special going to a social function wearing an outfit that just a few hours earlier she was using a crowbar to try to pry out of her mailbox?

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. At least there is one person who has figured out how to pretty much guarantee he won’t be getting a divorce.

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. Although that’s the same way Larry King has been married eight times with each of his wives pretty much convinced he wasn’t going to last more than a couple of weeks at best.

A study says that forcing mentally ill people into treatment can save money in the long run. An even better solution is making them rich like the Osbournes, Kardashians and Duck Dynasty clan by giving them their own reality shows.

A Texas boy received a kidney transplant after his teacher agreed to be his donor. Apparently she was just willing to do anything to stop him from interrupting the class all day to go to the bathroom.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Apparently the military felt it was a lot cheaper than trying to keep them busy by starting new wars in the Middle East.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Which finally explains where the “Reveille” lyrics “I can’t get ‘em up at all” originated.

The FTC has charged the company that distributes Mosquito Shield Bans, a wearable repellent with deceiving customers. It turns out that the mosquitoes were nowhere near as good at being bloodsuckers as the people running the company.

Medicare says it is toughening the standards on nursing homes. Which is good news for people who no longer have to wonder about the care their elderly parents are getting when their family members show up for a visit every other year.

A study says that shopping while hungry can make people buy even more non-food products. Mostly because after missing a few meals is the only time most people can actually fit into some of the clothes they would like to buy.

Kanye West traded insults with model and rapper Amber Rose. The most cutting remark she made was that he was acting like Kanye West.

Bill O’Reilly says questions about his claims about his war-zone reporting does not put him in a Brian Williams situation. Mostly because no one has ever suggested that O’Reilly is actually a real journalist.

Kurt Cobain’s credit card is going to be sold at auction. Bids are already reported to be more than $12,000. Mostly from people who like the idea of having a Visa that will put them in less debt than what they are currently running on all their other credit cards.

Kanye West says that Kylie Jenner and her boyfriend Tyga are “in love.” Which is only a surprise to him when he finds out anyone is in love with someone other than Kanye West.

Dodger pitcher Zack Greinke reportedly had a routine elbow injection. Although they need to watch how they word that as most “routine” injections are full of PEDs that are shot into the backside.

Former Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Jameis Winston reportedly ran a slow 4.97 40 yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine. It was his slowest time since trying to outrun a Publix security guard while carrying a bag of crablegs.

Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll says the Super Bowl loss is behind and the team is “charging forward.” If he would have let Marshawn Lynch charge forward on the final play of the game he wouldn’t still be trying to change the subject.

Danica Patrick will be the first woman to ever be a NASCAR TV race analyst. Apparently she has moved into the TV booth so she can actually get a chance to see what the checkered flag looks like.

Two U.S. astronauts spent six hours rerouting cables on a spacewalk around the International Space Station. They say if they knew how much work it was going to take they would not have bothered making the switch from cable to satellite TV.

Scientists say they have discovered a rare, doomed planet that has extreme seasons. Or as Al Gore calls that, “Earth.”

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The sites were apparently abandoned when the soothsayers got a look at what life was going to be like if they stayed in Armenia.

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The bad part is that since then Armenia has only moved past the Iron Age into the Medieval period.

A report says a 14 year old boy using $15 in parts from RadioShack was able to hack into a car. Technology experts were shocked. There are parts you can buy at RadioShack that actually work?

A study says that Spanish is the happiest language. Mostly because at least in the U.S., that is the language that is spoken by most people who still actually have a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Rough week here in West Virginia. The past week saw the mercury fall to -11, while we also picked up about 10 inches of snowfall and more than an inch of rain on top of that. Now I remember why it was so expensive to live in California. Oh, well. March is only a week away and that means that April is up next along with Opening Day! Hopefully that means some temperatures above freezing in the near future. It’s tough to type these jokes when I can’t feel my fingers. Maybe that’s the problem. Although there is nothing that warms me up as much as when you all remember to keep on sending the love!

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