Friday, February 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Italy is reportedly preparing for the possibility of air strikes by ISIS. The only question is how long it will take them to train those pigeons to be able to accurately aim their droppings.

Data says the number of corporations in the U.S. has dropped to its lowest level in 40 years. The economy has taken businesses that used to want to be like Ma Bell but can’t be much more than Mom & Pop.

A poll says that 78% of Americans don’t think net neutrality is a good idea while 74% don’t even know what net neutrality is. Which shows that Americans will never let ignorance get in the way of making a decision.

A poll says that 78% of Americans don’t think net neutrality is a good idea while 74% don’t even know what net neutrality is. All men need to know is that when they get online they will be able to see pictures of naked women.

Alaska leads the nation in a recent ranking of well-being. Mostly because Americans think the perfect place to live would be somewhere that it is so cold there is always an excuse to stay on the couch all day watching TV.

A Utah court has allowed a woman to sue herself over the wrongful death of her husband. Not only that but she could also end up being sued by his four other wives.

A Utah court has allowed a woman to sue herself over the wrongful death of her husband. The only question is when the verdict comes back, how will she know if she won or lost?

A one bedroom apartment in New York City is renting for $300,000 a month. Which is roughly twice the amount of a good, solid move-in ready refrigerator box at the corner of Park and 57th.

The Labor Department’s cafeteria has been shut down because of rodent droppings and flies. The department is considering instead reopening it and franchising it out as a Taco Bell.

NOAA says that January was the second warmest on record globally. Which is good news for people in the northeast who can enjoy the milder conditions while they go out to shovel off the eight feet of snow on their sidewalks.

Wal-Mart says it will raise its U.S. workers’ pay to $9 an hour. The problem is that Wal-Mart likes to keep their employees’ wages down because that means they can still only afford to shop at Wal-Mart.

Leon Kent, a hero who stopped German tanks at the Battle of the Bulge has died at 99. Which is ironic in that most Americans will never make it even close to 99 because of their battle with the bulge.

German soldiers are being forced to use broomsticks to symbolize guns during NATO exercises. To which they were mocked by French soldiers who said everyone knows you make a gun by sticking out your index finger and yelling “Bang!”

A proposed bill in Georgia would lower tuition and increase college access for undocumented aliens. Mostly just to get someone into their universities since no one who went through the Georgia school system can qualify.

A survey says that 53% of workers over the age of 60 are putting their retirement on hold. The other 47% say they will start thinking about their retirement once they actually can find a job.

A survey says that 53% of workers over the age of 60 are putting their retirement on hold. The worst part is realizing their retirement party will be held at the same time as their wake.

The White House says that higher wages would make up for stagnation. To which Congress agreed and promptly voted to give themselves another pay raise.

A study says that college is still worth the effort. Especially for the researchers doing the study who know if it weren’t for this, they would be working behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

A study says that college is still worth the effort. Except for the people with philosophy degrees who use their education to construct a chain of reasoning to examine why that ability is worth paying off $100,000 in student loans.

A government committee is suggesting taxing sugary foods and drinks to help stop obesity. Because the government is committed to trimming the fat everywhere except when it comes to their ability to get more money to spend.

A report says that Wal-Mart workers getting a raise to $9 an hour will still have to work 2.8 Million hours to make the same pay as the company’s CEO. Wal-Mart says such a scenario is impossible. Mostly because anything over 40 hours a week means they have to include benefits.

Cigarette maker Reynolds American is moving into the nicotine gum business. You know your smoking habit is out of control when you find yourself trying to light up a stick of Juicy Fruit.

Cigarette maker Reynolds American is moving into the nicotine gum business. So they get you hooked and then try to help you stop. Apparently they found it was much more lucrative than encouraging people to keep smoking and starting up a casket company.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is reportedly shutting down a third of its stores. Mostly since the new crop of celebrity women like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian quit wearing underwear years ago.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is reportedly shutting down a third of its stores. The word got out because Victoria just couldn’t keep a secret.

A link has been found between air pollution and suicide. Ironically, the study also found a risk of suicide from the humiliation of being seen driving around in a Prius.

A study says a shorter index finger and longer ring finger are more likely to be polite. Mostly because it indicates they don’t have a longer middle finger from constantly showing it to everyone.

New diet guidelines from the government say that people should eat more vegetables, less fat and salt and exercise more. Just for a laugh they also recommended paying more in taxes, working longer hours and refusing any extra pay.

Vanilla Ice says his recent arrest for robbery has been blown our of proportion. Or was he talking about his music career?

Vanilla Ice says his recent arrest for robbery has been blown our of proportion and that he wishes the media would focus on the good things he has done. Like not putting out any new albums or movies in the past 20 years.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson says she can’t get any other artists to work with her. Mostly because everyone in the music business remembers the last person to perform with her was Justin Guarini.

Australian rapper Iggy Azalea says she is quitting social media because of the “hatred and pettiness.” Which is exactly why everyone else has joined into social media.

Blur has announced their first album in 12 years. They said it would have come out sooner but the last dozen years have just been a blur.

Researchers say they have discovered that ants build toilets in their nests. As opposed to the ones who live on ant farms who are still just using outhouses.

Oral B’s new smart toothbrushes can communicate with an app to show the latest news and weather while brushing. Which works out well for people who like to rinse while at the same time do a spit take during the stock market report.

A new color changing jacket shows the mood of the person wearing it. Which is more than likely always going to reflect the anger of the person when they realize they spend several hundred dollars for something that makes them look like an idiot.

A new color changing jacket shows the mood of the person wearing it. Or you could spend your money on a jacket that instead might actually help keep you warm.

Apple is reportedly trying to begin production of an electric car by 2020. It will be connected to the Internet, have access to iTunes and will even be able to connect the driver to Uber to get a ride since no one at Apple knows anything about how to actually make any kind of transportation vehicle.

A report says the IRS paid out $5.85 Billion in fraudulent refunds in the past three years. It could have been prevented if they just would have realized the first sign of fraud in this economy is reporting any actual income.

President Obama was not along for the college tour of his daughter Malia. People are just hoping that won’t interfere with her chances of the daughter of the President of the United States being considered for acceptance at the college of her choice.

President Obama was not along for the college tour of his daughter Malia. Apparently he feels he has done enough by having a job with a $400,000 salary a year for eight years as a starting point to be able to afford to pay some of her tuition bills.

A poll says a majority of people feel that Brian Williams should return to his job at NBC. Which is interesting since a majority of people have not watched NBC since “Cheers” was still on the air.

A conservative group called ForAmerica calls Jeb Bush “unelectable.” So was pretty much every other presidential candidate over the past 30 years but that hasn’t stopped us from picking one of them.

Recommendations from the federal Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee say that eating less meat will be better for the environment. Which is more than a little suspect since their offices have recently been plastered with signs saying “Eat Mor Chiken.”

All nine former DEA chiefs are slamming Colorado’s legalization of marijuana. Mostly because busting a few potheads is the only thing the DEA has been able to do to keep busy since it was started in 1973.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A late farewell to one of the true greats of comedy and broadcasting, two of my interests, the late great Gary Owens. I remember Owens on L.A. radio when I was a kid. He then branched out to become the announcer on the classic comedy show “Laugh-In” and did countless cartoon voice overs from “Roger Ramjet” to “Space Ghost.” Sorry to see another great one pass on. For more information on his life, you can always look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls. While you are doing that, make sure to remember to always send the love!

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