Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says a car shortage is looming because of work stoppages at west coast ports. The slowdown has also affected hundreds of GM dealers who don’t have enough work to do without customers being able to buy cars to bring in on the latest recall.

A report says that hackers have stolen $1 Billion from banks around the world. Financial experts were surprised. Who has enough money to still actually have a bank account?

Scientists have found a way to store data inside DNA that will be around for millions of years. Don’t we already have DNA and remembers things forever? It’s called women.

England’s Radio 1 has banned Madonna’s music because she is 56 and “too old and irrelevant.” Which was pretty much ignored by everyone since the digital age has pretty much made radio stations too old and irrelevant.

A study says that strong marijuana causes 1 in 4 cases of psychosis. Mostly people who are paranoid that someone will get into their stash.

A study says that strong marijuana causes 1 in 4 cases of psychosis. The other 3 don’t act crazy because they are too stoned all the time.

A study says that women are hit hardest by dementia. The first sign of dementia in a woman is when she forgets something her husband has done wrong in less than 30 years.

A panic was caused at LAX when there was a mistaken announcement about a man with a gun on the loose. Which most people didn’t care about because they know the TSA doesn’t put the airport into full lockdown until there is someone with three ounces of liquid on the loose.

Lance Armstrong has been ordered to pay a company $10 Million for damages from his “web of lies.” Apparently the court came up with its total since that was the same amount of money Brian Williams was paid every year for doing the same thing.

Lance Armstrong has been ordered to pay a company $10 Million for damages from his “web of lies.” Ironically, Armstrong may lose enough money through all the legal action against him where the only way he will be able to afford to get around is on a bicycle.

A report says the Washington Monument has been measured ten inches lower than before at 554 feet, 8 inches. Between that and the approval ratings for Congress, the only thing that isn’t getting smaller in Washington, D.C. is the national debt.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says the way to save information off the Internet is to print it out on paper. Isn’t getting rid of having everything stored on paper the reason we went digital in the first place?

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says the way to save information off the Internet is to print it out on paper. Although most men will tell you it just isn’t the same to look at pictures of naked women on perforated dot matrix paper.

GM executives are getting restricted stock as part of the company’s new incentive plan. How about restricting them from selling their stock bonuses off until they make a car that doesn’t get recalled every two weeks?

Kanye West’s Yeezy sneakers for Adidas have sold out at $350 a pair. Apparently once West realized people would pay $15 to buy his albums, they would figure $350 for a $20 pair of tennis shoes would be a bargain.

A study says that women going through menopause can experience hot flashes for more than seven years. It used to be five but apparently the extra two years were added on from the effects of global warming.

A study says that young football players are less likely to be injured if they learn to tackle properly. Those who don’t learn to tackle not only could be hurt, they could also end up playing for the Raiders.

A study says that for people who have trouble falling asleep, meditation could be the answer. If that doesn’t work, it’s even easier to fall asleep listening to someone talk about how much meditation has helped them.

A study says that children whose parents have a positive attitude about going to the dentist are less likely to have cavities. As opposed to parents of children in Alabama who are positive their kids will not have any cavities as soon as they lose all their teeth.

A study says the biggest factor in the lack of sleep in teenagers is obesity. Mostly because the kids who are obese don’t have as much time to sleep since they are snacking until 3:00 in the morning.

Europe’s oldest woman says that eating raw eggs and staying single is the reason she has lived to be 115. And the best way to make sure you stay single is to eat nothing but raw eggs for every meal.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has made $81.7 Million so far at the box office. That doesn’t even count the money that has been generated by increased sales of leather goods, handcuffs and duct tape.

Bruce Jenner has reportedly asked the Kardashians to stop talking about his sex change. Although it was just a nice change of pace to hear the Kardashians talking about something other than the Kardashians.

Jeffrey Maier’s glove that he used to catch Derek Jeter’s tying home run against the Baltimore Orioles is up for auction. The only baseball artifact worth more is the bounty that is still out in Chicago for the head of Steve Bartman.

The 40th anniversary show of “Saturday Night Live” beat the NBA’s All-Star Game in the ratings. Mostly because the comedy sketch show has had more career rebounds than Dikembe Mutombo.

New FAA regulations for drones won’t require a pilot’s license to operate. To which United Airlines pilots are asking just when it is actually necessary to go and get one of those licenses.

A new app helps hospital ERs by streaming pictures of the crash scene before victims arrive for treatment. Apparently the app just starts snapping pictures as soon as the smartphone is being used to send out texts while the person is driving.

A new high fiber diet reportedly is just as effective as more traditional and complex diets. How complex can it be to tell people to eat less junk food?

A new high fiber diet reportedly is just as effective as more traditional and complex diets. Mostly because you don’t need to tell anyone twice not to eat too much food that has a lot of fiber in it.

A new book says that the secret of success is to assume you have never achieved it. Which is pretty evident if you are suckered into shelling out $25 for another book that promises to make you successful.

A new book says that the secret of success is to assume you have never achieved it. Because the real secret of success is convincing people to buy a book that they think will actually make a difference in their life.

A survey says that 18% of Americans feel that Russia is our greatest enemy. The other 82% still give that distinction to the members in Congress.

A report says that a surprising number of U.S. Presidents, 11 never graduated college. Even more surprising to most people is the fact that George W. Bush did.

A New York State Senator is proposing a terrorist “registry.” Which is different than the full jihad mode that is experienced after a bride is told she has just been registered at Wal-Mart.

House Speaker John Boehner says that the DHS could be shut down over a dispute between Congress and President Obama. Which asks the question as to how the DHS expects to protect us from terrorists abroad if they can’t even overcome a bureaucratic squabble in Washington?

A survey says the approval rating of Congress is up to 20%. Which also answers the question as to how many Americans do not understand even one word of English when taking a survey.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You might notice there were not quite as many jokes today as usual. Which most people call a good thing. The reason is I had to work a 15 hour day at my “real” job as a TV Meteorologist as we were hit by a massive snow storm. I would have probably not had to work as long of a day if I had actually forecast the storm correctly, but what can I say? I was wearing a really good looking suit so all is forgiven. Besides, most joke writers don’t come up with 36 jokes when that’s all they do all day. Although some of theirs are actually funny. Anyway, it looks like things will be getting back to normal around here if you consider normal below freezing temperatures the next week. Oh, well. If I Lived in some place warm like Florida or California I would be too busy being outside enjoying the sunshine to write any jokes. And I can do without the sunshine because nothing keeps me as warm as when you all remember to send the love!

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