Friday, February 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Johnson & Johnson is starting a project to determine who will get diseases and then to prevent it. Right now they have it pretty much narrowed down to anyone planning a vacation to Disneyland.

20th Century Fox has a movie in the works that kills off President Obama. Apparently they are literally trying to do what their sister organization Fox News figuratively tries to do every day.

A report says that NBC is considering firing Brian Williams. An easier way to handle the situation would be to have him just disappear from sight by selling his contract to CNN.

A report says that some people at NBC see the six month suspension of Brian Williams as an exit strategy. Which is ironic in that if the U.S. had an exit strategy in Iraq, Williams wouldn’t have been sent to where his lie started in the first place.

A study says that dogs can read emotions on humans’ faces knowing the difference between a smile and an angry look. And also to know to turn and run when the face they are shown is Michael Vick’s.

A study says that dogs can read emotions on humans’ faces knowing the difference between a smile and an angry look. The only breed that had trouble with the task were pit bulls because they seldom see the faces of people who are too busy trying to run away from them.

New York City set a modern record by going ten consecutive days without a murder. You know it’s really been a bad winter when the criminals are putting their guns down because every time they touch the metal they are risking a case of frostbite.

A study says that Washington, D.C. is the best place to look for love on Valentine’s Day. And all you need to do to find it is walk past the Capitol Building with a wheelbarrow full of money.

A health care system in Pennsylvania is using robots to see patients in case there is no doctor available. The robots are equipped with video cameras that can help with exams. Although it does get a little unnerving when the robot asks how long it’s been since you have had a prostate exam.

Using condoms that are too large is being blamed for a rise in STDs among teenagers in Thailand. Although usually the date doesn’t get that far once you pull out the box of “micro” sized Trojans.

Using condoms that are too large is being blamed for a rise in STDs among teenagers in Thailand. One warning sign for women is when their partner goes to put on a condom and asks them if they have a tweezer.

The movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” is being criticized by some religious groups who say that it degrades women. For one thing, the Mormons are asking why the character of Christian Grey can’t find four other women to become involved with at the same time?

The movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” is being criticized by some religious groups who say that it degrades women. Those groups already have a term for when a man is completely dominant over a submissive woman. It’s called “marriage.”

Scientists meeting in San Jose, California say it is time to actually try to contact aliens. If they really want to do that all they have to do is take I-5 a few miles down to the Mexico border.

Scientists meeting in San Jose, California say it is time to actually try to contact aliens. If they really want to meet people that have arrived here from other galaxies, all they need to do is drive over to the coast and talk to some of the people in Santa Cruz.

Scientists meeting in San Jose, California say it is time to actually try to contact aliens. Or they could just let them come here and go meet them all at once when they arrive for the Iowa caucuses.

ISIS has banned smoking because of its bad effects on health. Although the one thing that can cut a person’s life shorter than smoking is becoming a member of ISIS.

A study says that opera houses in Germany still help the local economies more than 200 years after they were built. Mostly because the local restaurants thrive on the fact that when the opera is over, the fat lady always has to eat.

The U.N. is warning that Yemen is “collapsing before our eyes.” The only question is how can anyone even tell?

A study says that 8 in 10 women refrain from discussing finances with their friends and family. Mostly their children who use any chance to discuss family funds as a chance to ask for some money.

A study says that 8 in 10 women refrain from discussing finances with their friends and family. The other two are recently divorced and like to tell everyone how much they soaked their ex-husband for.

Nissan has announced a glow-in-the-dark car. Apparently they were regular production models that just happened to come out that way from their factory located near the old Fukushima nuclear power plant.

The Korea Air executive in the “nut rage” case was sentenced to a year in prison. Even Kim Jong-un said that people like her are giving Koreans a bad name.

A report says lending rose twice as fast in 2014 as it has in any year since the financial crisis. Apparently people miss the good old days of the recession and can’t wait to get in over their heads in debt to bring them back.

A report says lending rose twice as fast in 2014 as it has in any year since the financial crisis. Which is good because the sure sign that the economy is getting better is when Americans feel confident again to mortgage away their entire future.

Joe Biden says he sees the cost of the 2016 presidential race rising to $2 Billion for each candidate. The only question is who is actually giving these people money to run in return for what they will do to the country?

Joe Biden says he sees the cost of the 2016 presidential race rising to $2 Billion for each candidate. So far, Biden’s own campaign run has filled almost three spare change jars.

The U.S. government says that 64 Million vehicles were recalled in 2014. No one had any idea that GM had the capability of making 64 Million cars in just one year.

A study says that mental health disorders may shorten a person’s life span. Which doesn’t make sense when you see pictures of how many old men are still plugging along in Congress.

A study says that mental health disorders like depression and anxiety may shorten a person’s life span. Well, that news will make those people feel happier and more calm.

A study says that settling on a mate has evolutionary advantages. For one thing, if none of us were willing to settle there would only be three married couples on the planet.

A study says that settling on a mate has evolutionary advantages. The truth is that other than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, everyone has had to settle.

A study says that driving too soon after having a stroke can be risky. In fact, it’s almost as risky as driving any time after having a stroke.

A study says that smoking may kill even more people than previously thought. Especially when you include the effects of being pummeled after lighting up a cigarette a little too close to a militant non-smoker.

A study says that smoking may kill even more people than previously thought. Especially when you include the cigarette after sex right before her husband comes home unexpectedly early.

Scientists say Ebola victims are still infectious a week after death. Which is not that big of a deal since it isn’t like they are going to be coughing in anyone’s direction.

Scientists say Ebola victims are still infectious a week after death. Which means there will be some serious questions to answer from anyone catching an illness from personal contact with a corpse.

A woman who donated her kidney to a stranger is now engaged to him. It’s one of the first weddings ever where the church isn’t supplying the organ.

A study says that unemployment can change people’s personalities and make them less agreeable. Mostly because the only time most people are agreeable is when they have a boss and do whatever they are told to keep their job.

A report says the number of hip replacements has been skyrocketing, especially among younger adults. How fat are we getting that even our own bones are cracking under the stress of all that weight?

A report says the number of hip replacements has been skyrocketing, especially among younger adults. Apparently our hips are getting out of joint because of stress of the repetitive motion from the one task of getting up and lying right back down on the couch.

A report says that Kris Jenner is treating Bruce Jenner’s gender transition “like it will just go away.” Which is easier said than done, as we have all been waiting more than ten years with no luck for the whole Kardashian family to just go away.

“The Librarians” has been renewed for a second season on TNT. It has a real fascination for many Americans who have only heard about the people who work in those mythical places they have never visited called libraries.

The Golf Channel’s Brandel Chamblee says Tiger Woods has the yips with his driver and when he is chipping. That means he is just a couple of hundred pounds and a little less hair from becoming Charles Barkley.

Major League Baseball says it is considering changing the size of the strike zone. Reports say it will not be to the recommendations requested by the Minnesota Twins’ pitching staff with has to do something with the side of a barn.

Major League Baseball says it is considering changing the size of the strike zone. The only thing known is that they are still recovering from the last strike zone they encountered back in 1994.

Major League Baseball says it is considering changing the strike zone. The only question is whether this time they will pass the word along to the umpires.

Honolulu Police say there is no evidence that PGA golfer Robert Allenby was kidnapped as he claims. Even Brian Williams is saying he really needs to work on coming up with something a little more believable.

Honolulu Police say there is no evidence that PGA golfer Robert Allenby was kidnapped as he claims. The one thing that tipped them off was the ransom note that was written with a golf pencil.

Scientists have gathered to try to come up with a way to preserve Internet information for the future. Although there are others who aren’t sure they want future civilizations to know we ended up just sitting around all day watching cat videos.

Facebook is allowing people to designate a friend to manage their account after they die. The worst part is when they die from not getting any exercise because they sat around posting on Facebook all day.

A driverless Audi coup has reportedly been able to beat a race car driver around a course. Although it won’t be a practical invention until the cars can be programmed to do a series of doughnuts in the winner’s circle and spray a bottle of Champagne over everyone.

Lawmakers are proposing two bills which will protect e-mail privacy. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s an e-mail?”

Lawmakers are proposing two bills which will protect e-mail privacy. Which is a nice gesture compared to the thousands of bills passed to allow the government to spy on everything we do whenever they want.

The South Carolina Corrections Department has punished more than 400 inmates in the past three years for using social media. Especially the ones in solitary confinement who are boring everyone by posting pictures of the bread and water they get for all their meals.

The South Carolina Corrections Department has punished more than 400 inmates in the past three years for using social media. Which is ironic since most of them are in prison for what they did when they were signed on to Myspace.



Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she fell asleep during the State of the Union Address because she "Wasn't 100% sober." To which John Boehner says "We were supposed to be sober?"

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she fell asleep during the State of the Union Address because she "Wasn't 100% sober." Knowing that Supreme Court Justices drink really helps explain that Bush v. Gore ruling.



That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still celebrating the 300,000 hits plateau that my blog has now reached. If you take all the money I have earned from this site and divide it by 300,000, you get zero. Not the best business model, but at least I am not losing anything yet. Other than my mind, self respect and anyone who has read this far. But I am not in this for the money. Which is the understatement of the year. I keep posting every day in the hope that you will all just keep remembering to send the love!

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