Thursday, February 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Brian Williams wanted to be considered to host “The Tonight Show” when Jay Leno stepped down. However, NBC executives thought he would be better suited to host a remake of “To Tell The Truth.”

A report claims that Joe Biden’s name has all but disappeared from the national political conversation. To which everyone is asking when was his name ever a part of the national political conversation?

Experts are warning that 2015 could be the year of the healthcare hack. Which Republicans are naturally saying it’s the fault of Obamacare, because if we didn’t give millions of people health insurance they wouldn’t be getting hacked in the first place.

Experts are warning that 2015 could be the year of the healthcare hack. It’s the first time the words “healthcare” and “hack” have been used together since the start of the HMO.

A Chinese “sneakerhead” pawned 283 pairs of Nike Air Jordans to come up with the money to buy an apartment. He was looking for a place with three bedrooms, two baths and no shoe closet.

Scientists claim there is a link between smoking marijuana and manic behavior. Although the only time anyone has ever seen a stoner get excited is when the pizza deliverer rings the doorbell.

A federal court in Texas has ruled that residency requirements to buy handguns are unconstitutional. Mostly because the only address ever given out by gun owners in Texas is that they live at the corner of Smith & Wesson.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was in London this week where he refused to answer a question from reporters as to whether he believes in evolution. To which he said “You tell me. You’re the ones who recently spent time with Chris Christie.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was in London this week where he refused to answer a question from reporters as to whether he believes in evolution. Although he did point out how little we have changed over the eons since John McCain was born.

A report says that what a person will earn in their lifetime is set before they are 30. Mostly because anyone who is under 30 in this economy will be pretty much stuck being paid the minimum wage the rest of their life.

A study says that 27% of Americans feel that ISIS represents true Islam. The other 73% of Americans don’t tune in to watch Fox News.

Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino has been sentenced to 16 years in prison for manslaughter in the sinking of the cruise ship. It could have been worse. He could have instead gotten latrine duty following the Mexican buffet on a ship with Carnival.

North Dakota was first among U.S. states in job creation in 2014. Which is great news for the people there who were finally able to find work to make enough money so they could move somewhere warmer than North Dakota.

A report says the U.S. budget deficit is running 6.2% higher than last year. Which is no big deal since at $17 Trillion, it’s not like we’re ever actually going to have a chance of ever paying it off.

A report says that kill switches have cut cellphone thefts in several cities. The switches render the phones useless if they are stolen. The hard part is calling the number and trying to convince the thief to activate it.

A report says that kill switches have cut cellphone thefts in several cities. The switches render the phones useless if they are stolen. Which is pretty much the same as signing up for a plan with AT&T.

A report says that customer service horror stories with Comcast could jeopardize their planned $45 Billion merger with Time Warner. Comcast says they will address the problem between 8 and 5 sometime in the next three weeks.

A report says that customer service horror stories with Comcast could jeopardize their planned $45 Billion merger with Time Warner. Or as cable companies call customer complaints, a business model.

A report says that customer service horror stories with Comcast could jeopardize their planned $45 Billion merger with Time Warner. To which Comcast says that any customers who get 500 channels and still watch “The Kardashians” and “Jerry Springer” have no right to complain about anything.

The IRS is apologizing for seizing the bank accounts and assets of hundreds of small businesses. To which the IRS says what’s the difference, they might as well take it all at once since they are eventually going to end up with all their money anyway.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple stock which is currently valued at $125 a share is worth $216. In other words he is trying to find suckers to buy the shares he is trying to dump on the market.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple stock which is currently valued at $125 a share should be selling for $216. Trying to convince people the stock is worth more than it’s real value is not a bad idea. Look how it worked with every other Apple product.

A report says that storms have canceled 20,000 flights already in 2015. Or as United Airlines calls 20,000 canceled flights, “Friday.”

A government official says that Saudi Arabia “engineered” the dramatic fall in oil and gas prices. Apparently they just wanted to give the rest of the Middle East a break by taking away the reason for all the other countries to keep invading.

Microsoft has bought calendar app Sunrise for $100 Million. Which may sound like a lot of money but was the only way anyone working at Microsoft would ever be able to tell anyone they actually have a date.

Lawmakers from both parties say it is likely that Congress will authorize military action against ISIS. Apparently they are going through withdrawals over the withdrawals from all our other wars in the Middle East.

A study says that some fitness apps on smartphones are inaccurate. Which is ironic since most of the people using the apps wouldn’t be so out of shape if they would put down their cellphones once in awhile.

A study says that one third of Americans use alternative medicine. The other two thirds have still managed to hang on to their health insurance plan.

A study says that low levels of Vitamin D in young people is linked to a higher risk of heart issues when they are adults. That would be a tough one to prove. Name one doctor who has ever even tested a patient for their Vitamin D level in the first place.

A new analysis says that the benefits of alcohol consumption have been overstated. Apparently researchers now say it was the alcohol talking.

The FDA is warning about dark chocolate for Valentine’s Day, saying people are not aware it contains small amounts of milk. Because nothing adds to the romantic mood of Valentine’s Day than finding out the hard way your sweetheart is lactose intolerant.

A study says that parents are more likely to lie in front of their sons than their daughters. Mostly because their sons are the mostly likely the ones to be asking questions about the girlie magazines they found that their dads hid away in the garage.

A survey says people on average have sex after 3.53 dates. Which means on the fourth date they are doing it after dinner in the backseat of the car in the parking lot before the movie starts.

A study says that treadmill desks at work don’t make up for the time people spend sitting around. Which means most people would do just as well to go back to refer to the treadmill at work as a metaphor of their career.

Scientists say they have found 97 DNA mutations that affect obesity. No one even knew that Kirstie Alley had that many family members.

A bill in California is proposing warning labels be put on sugary drinks. The labels will say there are enough calories in that one drink to go over the entire monthly intake allowed by 94% of all diets currently in vogue around the state.

A bill in California is proposing warning labels be put on sugary drinks. It’s getting so bad in the diet conscious state that they are even considering warning labels for the potential of water retention from drinking a bottle of Perrier.

A study says that one in ten deli sandwiches were found to have listeria. The other nine were just too delicious and were eaten by the researchers before they could be tested.

A study says that one in ten deli sandwiches were found to have listeria. Although most people didn’t care since the pickle that came with the sandwich made the risk worthwhile.

A study says that the health toll of smoking is worse than previously thought. They used to tell us it would kill us. How much worse can it get?

A study says that the health toll of smoking is worse than previously thought. Not only can it cause cancer, but before that happens you can also get burns on your fingers from trying to light the matches.

A study says that the health toll of smoking is worse than previously thought. There are the long term dangers like cancer, but people also have to watch out for getting punched when lighting up too close to a militant non-smoker.

Christina Aguilera says she was “speechless” when her daughter was born. Most women are far from speechless during childbirth, especially when they are screaming at their husbands “You did this to me!”

NFL player Richie Incognito says he wants to prove he is not a “racist jerk.” Although it isn’t known which of those descriptions he is working on.

A report says the Atlanta Falcons have the easiest schedule in the NFL in 2015. The only way it could be easier is if they had a chance to play the Atlanta Falcons.

A report says the Atlanta Falcons have the easiest schedule in the NFL in 2015. The only way it could be easier is if they played the Jets, Browns, Jaguars and Raiders four times each.

Tiger Woods says he is taking some time off as he needs “a lot of work on his game.” He is having all kinds of trouble chipping, which is being attributed to his response of flinching every time his caddie pulls a 9 iron out of his bag.

Scientists say that it takes 1,000 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Apparently there is just nothing left to research ever since they found those cures for cancer and heart disease.

An IBM study says that 60% of dating apps are vulnerable to cyberattacks. The worst part is when the virus you get trying to find a Valentine’s Day date turns out to be an STD.

Google is reportedly designing a sensor that tells the wearer when they have body odor and steers them away from any friends. Although it’s hard to imagine anyone needing to wear a body odor detector has a whole lot of friends hanging around in the first place.

The PGA says it is going to launch an online golf network aimed at Millennials. The only problem is that most Millennials don’t know that golf is a real game and is something you only play on an XBox.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thank you all for being some of the 300,000 hits that this website has received over the past ten years. Even RadioShack has been reporting better numbers over the last decade and look where they are. Well, it’s hard to go bankrupt when you work for free, so I am good there. I am now officially into full speed ahead mode in my goal to get 7 Billion daily readers. I need a little help, so if each of you can try to pass the word on to around 100 Million people I will be on my way. If nothing else, you can at least make my day by remembering to send the love!

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