Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NBC has announced Brian Williams will be suspended six months without pay on the same day that Jon Stewart said he would be leaving “The Daily Show.” One is a highly respected career journalist and the other runs a fake, comedy based news program. The only hard part is remembering which one is which.

Brian Williams has been suspended by NBC News for six months without pay after being caught in a series of lies. The worst part is that if he comes back the network is thinking of changing the title of “NBC Nightly News” to “50 Shades of Gray Areas.”

The manager of the New Orleans hotel where Brian Williams stayed while he covered Hurricane Katrina says he may have “misremembered” the dangers of the storm. Because it’s easy for reporters to confuse what happened in all of those cataclysmic hurricanes that wipe out complete cities that they cover on a daily basis.

A study says that millions of Facebook users don’t realize it is part of the Internet. Mostly because who needs the rest of the Internet when you can see what all your friends are eating for breakfast plus the latest cat videos on one site?

A wearable device will reportedly let employers know if their workers are happy. Which is pretty much already evident if workers show up to the office and are forced to strap on electronic mood detectors.

A study says that power naps can restore the damage from the lack of sleep. Who would have thought that people who aren’t getting enough sleep could make up for it with more sleep?

Samsung admits its smart TVs can eavesdrop on conversations that can be shared with a third party. Although the only comments they have been picking up so far are from people watching “The Kardashians” who keep asking “How do you turn this off?”

People in the UK have been cringing at Prime Minister David Cameron’s recent use of slang, including “chillax” and “chatarama.” Which is just slightly more hip than if he were still saying “groovy.”

A poll says a majority of Americans support lifting a 40 year old ban on exporting oil. Mostly because we know from looking at recent history that if we have too much oil sitting around we might eventually invade ourselves.

A study says that positive thinking can actually hamper the odds of achieving success. Just look at all the Cubs fans who keep coming back each year thinking they have a shot at the playoffs.

Former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn at his “pimping” trial says he had no idea that women who were participating in hotel room orgies were prostitutes. He feels that just because he paid them for sex doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have done it for free.

Former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn at his “pimping” trial says he had no idea that women who were participating in hotel room orgies were prostitutes. You have to believe a man whose job it is to be around international bankers all day would be able to spot someone who will do anything for money.

The Mormon Church has excommunicated a man who ran a website aimed at skeptics of the religion. Not only that, he had to give back two of his wives.

A Pennsylvania town is posting signs declaring itself “Not a gun free zone.” The only problem was after the first week being able to read what the signs say through all the bullet holes.

President Obama has asked Congress for the authority to fight ISIS without an “enduring offensive combat” role. He used that term so on one will confuse it with our efforts in Iraq.

Puerto Rico is considering fining the parents of obese children. No one thought when they coined the term “the scales of justice” they were referring to a bathroom scale.

JetBlue is letting passengers use Apple Pay for snacks and other amenities on flights. As opposed to United Airlines who is taking it a step further and allowing passengers to pay all their inflight fees by taking out a second mortgage.

JetBlue is letting passengers use Apple Pay for snacks and other amenities on flights. It’s amazing how the airlines did everything they could to keep people from using electronic gadgets on flights until they could be used to get their cash from them.

Halliburton is cutting 6,400 jobs because of falling oil prices. The company says the latest developments in the Middle East may make a difference, especially if it is found out that ISIS is in control of any land sitting on some oil reserves.

Home Depot is planning on hiring 80,000 employees this spring. Mostly for the expected demand for tools and supplies needed to board up all the bankrupt RadioShack stores.

A report says that sex toy injuries have increased after the publication of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Not only has there been an increase in the number of sex toys sold, but pet shops are wondering what to do with all the gerbils that everyone has lost interest in.

A report says that sex toy injuries have increased after the publication of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Not only that, but finally women can justify giving their husbands ties for Christmas, birthdays and Fathers’ Day even when they work at a blue collar job.

A California teenager says he found a chicken organ in his KFC order. Fast food industry experts were shocked. KFC uses real chicken?

Data says the fastest growing careers don’t usually lead to home ownership. Mostly because it’s hard to come up with a down payment and make the monthly mortgage when your career involves standing behind the register at 7-Eleven for $7.50 an hour.

The Department of Transportation says that three hour delays on tarmacs have dropped to a record low. Mostly because United has learned that it is much easier more effective to cancel their flights before any passengers actually get on board.

A report says that U.S. farms are expected to see a 32% drop in income in 2015. Especially the farmers who are dumb enough to think that any Americans will actually buy any vegetables they have grown.

A report says that U.S. farms are expected to see a 32% drop in income in 2015. Mostly the farmers who have switched over to growing legalized marijuana but for some reason keep forgetting to harvest their crops.

Oklahoma is debating whether to use nitrogen gas for executions. They were considering using helium but it just made everyone laugh too hard when the condemned spoke in a really high voice while trying to say his last words.

A study says that shorter work shifts for resident doctors made no improvement in their fatigue levels or patient care. Although no matter how tired they are, they always seem to manage to get those hospital bills submitted to the patients right on time.

A study says that people who feel younger tend to live longer. Like Cher who was born in 1946 but half her body parts weren’t even manufactured until 1987.

Google is changing results of searches for common medical ailments to include more information about symptoms and treatments. That is opposed to the current medical searches which only tell you the probability of dying from the condition and how long you have to live.

A study says that people who can’t carry a tune because they are tone deaf can improve by singing more. Which means that anyone planning on seeing Britney Spears in concert should wait to buy tickets until at least 2019.

Health officials say that measles parties for children is a bad idea. Especially when one of the parents misreads the invitation and brings their child who has just come down with a case of Ebola.

A report says that the U.S. may lower cholesterol’s level of threat to health. Mostly because it is nothing compared to the threat to most people’s health from all the sugar, fat and alcohol they are consuming.

A report says that the U.S. may lower cholesterol’s level of threat to health. Apparently after looking at the shape of most Americans after years of warning of the health consequences of what we eat, dietary experts have finally just given up.

A government advisory group says that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be given better guidelines for diagnosis along with a new name. The group says the name for being constantly exhausted should go back to what it has always been known as. Parenthood.

The FDA has approved a device that reduces the risk of having a stroke. The only problem is that the risk of strokes goes up even higher than before when the patient who has the device implanted gets their hospital bill.

A study says that anxiety may speed the aging process. Well, that news will certainly make those people relax a little more.

Bill O’Reilly says he does not see Brian Williams keeping his job after being caught lying about his war coverage in Iraq. For one thing, O’Reilly says being an anchor on a news network who tells lies was his idea first.

Bill O’Reilly says he does not see Brian Williams keeping his job after being caught lying about his war coverage in Iraq. He defended the embattled anchor saying that some people delight in seeing famous people being taken apart. O’Reilly feels that should only be reserved for President Obama.

John Daly’s ex-wife is suing his current fiance for being a homewrecker and destroying her marriage. People were shocked to see Daly having relationship troubles. They were also asking if the woman suing is Daly’s ex-wife number four or five?

John Daly’s ex-wife is suing his current fiance for being a homewrecker and destroying her marriage. His ex was so respectful of him that instead of attacking him with his own 9 iron like Elin Woods, when she got mad she just stabbed him with a steak knife.

Richard Sherman has reportedly opted out of having Tommy John surgery. Mostly because who wants to have a surgery that sounds more like the name of a company that services port-a-potties?

Rapper Iggy Azalea says that her boyfriend, Laker Nick Young was attacked by a dolphin that tried to kill him once. To which Brian Williams is saying “You, too?”

A report says that Marlins Park in Miami will be the site of the 2017 Major League Baseball All-Star Game. It will be the first time that the home team will pretty much also just be visiting.

Neil Armstrong’s widow says she has found moonwalk artifacts in his closet. She came to that conclusion when mixed in with all the items was a single white sequined glove.

Apple has set a record for a company’s worth at $700 Billion. It was originally valued at $350 Billion but like all Apple products was automatically doubled in price.

Apple has set a record for a company’s worth at $700 Billion, nearly twice the amount of second place ExxonMobil. Oil company executives are praising the late Steve Jobs as a genius for doing what they couldn’t achieve. Run a monopoly that charges excessive prices and not be despised by everyone on the planet.

A study says that Verizon is the best wireless carrier in the country over Sprint, AT&T and T-Mobile. Which is about as meaningful as asking people to pick their favorite airline, cable company and health insurer.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It has finally happened...This blog has gone over the 300,000 mark in views! Which is depressing considering I have been writing it for more than 10 years. A static drawing of a dinosaur by a five year old will get more hits than that. Oh, well. I persevere. One of these days the word will get out and I will have the 7 Billion daily readers I have set as my goal from the outset. All I need to keep on grinding it out are lots of spare time away from having a life, plenty of pain pills and having you all occasionally remember to keep sending the love!

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