Sunday, February 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

 The New England Patriots won a historic last minute victory in Super Bowl XLIX over the Seattle Seahawks 28-24. It was historic in the fact that the final pass by Russell Wilson took Jim Marshall, Leon Lett and Scott Norwood off the hook for the worst play in NFL history.

Super Bowl XLIX saw a relatively few 12 penalties called during the game. Mostly because the referees needed to keep their yellow hankies in their pockets to wipe their eyes after watching the Budweiser lost puppy commercial.

Mitt Romney has decided against running for President. Apparently he and his family just couldn’t bear the thought of spending the next four years in a house that was built more than 200 years ago, has only 132 rooms and no car elevator.

Scientists say that looking at a person’s DNA can help predict how long they will live by revealing their “biological age.” With Larry King, the only question is whether his biological age is Pleistocene or Mesozoic.

A study says it takes $108,092 a year to live comfortably in Washington, D.C. That’s good news for members of Congress who make more than $174,000 a year. The only problem is coming up with the $20 Million needed to campaign for the job.

A study says it takes $108,092 a year to live comfortably in Washington, D.C. Which is bad news for people making $10 an hour who could work every hour of every day all year and still come up about $20,000 short.

The Economist has named Toronto the Best City in the World. Which is fine if you want to live in a place that has the excitement, elegance and energy that appeals to a bunch of economists.

New technology has caused AOL to lay off 3% of its workforce. The modernization made it so they had no use anymore for the company’s crew of telegraph operators.

New technology has caused AOL to lay off 3% of its workforce of 5,000. That and the fact they don’t even have 5,000 customers anymore.

A Swedish company is implanting chips under the skin of employees to get access to the office. The worst part is when they leave the company and have to turn in their arm.

A Swedish company is implanting chips under the skin of employees to get access to the office. The worst part is that when they warn about hackers who want to get access to company information, they mean people who will literally hack off their workers’ hands.

Prince Charles has reportedly had talks with his mother, Queen Elizabeth II about what kind of King he should be. Although at his age, by the time he gets to take over the thrown the answer will be “brief.”

Prince Charles has reportedly had talks with his mother, Queen Elizabeth II about what kind of King he should be. Which probably isn’t great news for the English who are looking at the next in line to the throne who is still asking his Mum what he should do.

A woman has been charged with making adult movies on the campus of Oregon State University. Apparently she thought she could get away with it as no one would probably notice one more Beaver.

The National Highway Transportation and Safety Administration is pushing Congress to prohibit used car dealerships from selling vehicles that have an open recall. Dealers say it’s already plainly posted on all their vehicles. Just look for the big “GM” written anywhere on the car.

Stig Bergling, a Swedish Cold War spy who was convicted of selling military secrets to the Soviet Union has died at age 77. Which explains why the Soviet Union fell apart as they were actually paying money for military information from Sweden.

Stig Bergling, a Swedish Cold War spy who was convicted of selling military secrets to the Soviet Union has died at age 77. He didn’t need to be cremated as his body was programmed to self-destruct in five seconds.

A man has been detained in San Francisco in connection with luggage that was found to be stuffed with human remains. Authorities say the crime was committed by someone who had a lot of emotional baggage.

A man has been detained in San Francisco in connection with luggage that was found to be stuffed with human remains. He could have made it a bit more difficult for authorities if he had bothered to remove the suitcase ID tags.

Lewis & Clark College in Oregon college says that Saudi Arabia’s new crown prince did not graduate from there as was reported. Mostly because he was a distraction as every time he showed up in class the other students thought someone there was a Toga party somewhere on campus.

Fire has devastated a major library in Russia. Reports say the blaze destroyed the entire library collection which consisted of 50,000 copies of “Das Kapital.”

There has been a shakeup at the Egyptian museum where there was a botched repair of the beard on the mask of King Tut. The curator’s first mistake was having the beard repaired by the same person who styles Kim Jong-un’s hair.

A poll says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the opportunity to get ahead in the U.S. with hard work. The only problem is that the only way to really get ahead in this country is to do something that could lead to being sentenced to hard labor.

A poll says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the opportunity to get ahead in the U.S. with hard work. The other 40% couldn’t take the survey because they were on the way to their third job they need to work to try to make ends meet.

A study says that 1.5 Million Americans don’t go to work the Monday after the Super Bowl. Which means they are temporarily joining the other 90 Million Americans who are still looking for a job to go to any day.

The wife of hedge fund billionaire Ken Griffin is asking for $1 Million a month in child support, including 24/7 access to a private jet in their divorce. Apparently that’s why its called a hedge fund, because she isn’t hedging about trying to take it all.

The wife of hedge fund billionaire Ken Griffin is asking for $1 Million a month in child support, including 24/7 access to a private jet in their divorce. Because you never know when your child has a report due the next day on the Eiffel Tower and you just have to make a quick flight to Paris.

Dairy Queen has a Valentine’s Day ad that parodies Jared Jewelers. Although there is an inverse correlation on the chances of getting jewelry for Valentine’s Day and the number of Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzards you have been downing at Dairy Queen.

Discover Card is advertising at the Super Bowl for the first time since its 1986 launch. The embarrassing part was that the television network would only accept payment for the ad with a Visa or MasterCard.

A Hollywood film producer was ordered to pay $1.2 Million in a lawsuit over a film he failed to make. The producer is just lucky he didn’t lose more money by actually finishing and releasing an Adam Sandler film.

A study says that people are not putting the money they are saving on the lower price of gasoline back into the economy. Mostly because they are using it instead to pay off the debt they have built up from paying more than $4 a gallon for gas since 2008.

Toyota, Chrysler and Honda have recalled another 2.1 Million cars for defective airbags. Fortunately, GM was not in on this one since their customers don’t need to worry about their airbags with the cars off the road and in the shop for all their other recalls.

A survey says that 14% of all Baby Boomers are being treated for depression. At least the ones whose kids are now just graduating college and they are getting their first bills for their tuition loan payments.

A survey says that 14% of all Baby Boomers are being treated for depression. The other 86% are at the awkward age of too old to get health insurance that will cover it and too young to qualify for Medicare.

A study says that the cities of the teams in the Super Bowl see an 18% spike in flu deaths. Mostly from their fans who go through the playoffs standing outside in subfreezing weather watching games wearing nothing but body paint.

A study says that technology in vehicles saves 7,000 lives a year. The only problem is that three times as many people are killed from the technology in their smartphones they are using while driving.

The FDA has approved a drug for ADHD to help with binge eating disorders. The bad part is that the ADHD is caused from all the sugar we are consuming from downing a whole box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts at one sitting.

A college in Pennsylvania is apologizing after advertising a fitness program only for those who are overweight. Which made the college reconsider sending out a notice for basketball tryouts only to students who are unusually tall.

A college in Pennsylvania is apologizing after advertising a fitness program only for those who are overweight. That’s as insensitive as sending out a notice for a campus dance to anyone in the computer science program.

Tiger Woods has dropped out of the top 50 in world golf rankings. What’s worse, after shooting an 82 in the second round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open, he was dropped to the B Flight in the Club Championships at Isleworth Country Club.

Tiger Woods shot an 82 in the second round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open Saturday. Which was fitting since he threw away more strokes than a 12 handicapper playing with a borrowed set of clubs.

The body of a Mongolian monk was discovered still in the lotus position after 200 years. Which is a lot better than being destined to spend eternity stuck doing the forearm-stand scorpion pose.

The body of a Mongolian monk was discovered still in the lotus position after 200 years. Physiologists say they haven’t seen anyone stuck in the same position that long since the time Al Gore tried to take up yoga.

Two Canadian ice climbers scaled a frozen ice wall at Niagara Falls. Sure, anyone could do that. Let’s see them do something really difficult and climb up the falls during the summer when all that ice finally melts.

University of Maryland researchers have built a robot that learns tasks by watching Youtube videos. So now all the robot does all day is meow while playing a piano.


A list of the world’s richest musicians puts Madonna in first, ahead of Paul McCartney. Although Madonna would show a net loss if they also included all the money any of her acting projects brought in.

A list of the world’s richest musicians puts Madonna in first, ahead of Paul McCartney. When hearing those results, music industry experts all came to the same conclusion. McCartney really needs to audit his financial people.

A report says that western Africa is becoming a dumping ground for discarded electronic devices, or e-waste. Which is still better than what it was previously known for, being the dumping ground for E-bola.

A melatonin spray is being marketed to help people fall asleep. It is reportedly much easier to fall asleep using that spray than it is to try dozing off after your wife catches you sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning and greets you with a faceful of mace.

College students at Virginia Tech have designed what they call the kitchen of the future. Which for college students consists of a refrigerator that holds 20 cases of beer along with enough room left over for a full keg tap.

A study says the human memory acts like a camcorder. Unfortunately for men, the tapes with anniversaries, birthdays and other important occasions always seem to be recorded over with football games.

A report predicts that 18 states will have legalized marijuana by 2020. The other 32 still have moral objections to pot. That, and the people there are perfectly satisfied just staying with alcohol, prescription drugs and sniffing glue.

A poll says that 4 in 10 Americans say they would steer their kids to play other sports besides football. The other 6 would be happy just to see what it would be like for their kids to get their backsides off the couch for any reason besides another trip to the refrigerator.

A bill in the Texas legislature would allow teachers to use deadly force on students. Remember when a failing grade and detention was the biggest fear that kids had to face when they went to school every day?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you watch the Super Bowl? Of course you did. I can tell by the pizza sauce all over your computer keyboards and the smell of pepperoni on your breath. It’s all over now. Which means that most men will be going into a deep depression that will last until August in 3...2...1... As for me, I am much more diversified in my interests other than football. There is always, tennis, golf, baseball, bowling...and of course, my favorite activity of all. That is when all of you remember to send the love!

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