Friday, January 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The leap second that will be added to clocks on June 30th is feared by some to potentially take down the Internet. Until now, the Internet was only vulnerable to something extremely catastrophic, like showing pictures of Kim Kardashian’s rear end.

California Senator Barbara Boxer has announced she will not run for reelection in 2016, saying she has “about a thousand accomplishments.” Those accomplishments include hundreds of crossword puzzles, several knitted sweaters and a solved Rubik’s Cube while waiting for the rest of the Senate to actually do something.

9 people were infected with measles while visiting Disneyland. The good news is they got through the entire incubation period while standing in line for Space Mountain.

9 people were infected with measles while visiting Disneyland. Three of the victims ended up in the hospital, not from the illness but because a private hospital room is a lot cheaper than staying on property at Disney.

A study says that 7 in 10 Americans stream TV on electronic devices. Which is nice those people can go to work, school or vacation and accomplish exactly the same amount as the other three who still just sit on the couch watching TV all day.

Apple users spent $500 Million on apps the first week of 2015. Apparently they will keep spending even more until they find one that actually does something useful.

John Boehner says he is the “most anti-Establishment House Speaker ever.” Only because he considers President Obama to pretty much be the Establishment.

John Boehner says he is the “most anti-Establishment House Speaker ever.” Which is the kind of thing people like to hear, especially the ones still living in 1968.

A Florida couple was arrested for having sex on top of a car at a dealership. Apparently the man had always wanted to test drive a model that had been around the block a few times.

A Florida couple was arrested for having sex on top of a car at a dealership. It turns out the car wasn’t the only thing that had been prepped with a complete wax.

Mercedes Benz has announced it is moving its headquarters from New Jersey to Georgia because of taxes. That and there are still three demo models stuck on the George Washington Bridge.

A still working 100 year old exercise instructor in Minnesota says the secret to longevity is an “attitude of gratitude.” Apparently she is thankful she has been able to work so long at an occupation that doesn’t pay enough to retire before becoming a centenarian.

A Michigan couple who was married for 60 years died 60 hours apart. Apparently after his wife died, her husband couldn’t take the thought of having to watch the grandchildren by himself.

Russia has a new rule that have “sex disorders” will not be able to get a driver’s license. To get behind the wheel, the government is telling people they will have to curb their enthusiasm.

Russia has a new rule that have “sex disorders” will not be able to get a driver’s license. People who have traveled to Russia were surprised. Russians need driver’s licenses?

A Florida developer has bought the Revel Casino in Atlantic City with plans to turn it into a water park. Which will be an easy task seeing as how all the Atlantic City casinos are already operating underwater.

Seismologists are planning to monitor CenturyLink Field in Seattle during Saturday’s Seahawks game to see if there will be another fan-generated earthquake. The only other earth movement caused by fans is when fans at a football game between Alabama and Mississippi race to the concession stands at halftime.

A report says most wealthy Americans think the poor have it easy. In fact, many of them only made their domestic servants work 14 hours on Christmas Day.

A study says that middle age is the happiest for most people when they are married. Especially at the point right before they lose half of everything they own in the divorce.

The Pentagon is seeking a 20% cut in war funding for 2015. Since oil prices have been going down, the military feels there will be 20% less of a need to invade Middle Eastern countries.

A report says new cars may soon come with punishment devices to stop people from driving while distracted. Until now, the only punishment for texting while driving was having to continually pick splinters out for weeks after running the car into a tree.

A report says that aging may affect the decision making skills of financial advisers. Although if your financial adviser is exhibiting symptoms of dementia, the question is why haven’t they been able to save enough money themselves to retire before they got that old?

GM CEO Mary Barra says she has become impatient to make accomplishments at the automaker. Just like her customers are getting impatient to stop taking their cars into the shop every week for the latest recall.

80 year old Alabama Senator Richard Shelby has been named chairman of the Senate banking Committee. The only problem having someone that old in charge of the financial industry is listening to him complain about the price of everything with “That used to cost a nickel.”

Apple says it has created more than a million jobs, directly or indirectly in the U.S. Which they then immediately directed those jobs to be sent directly over to China.

J.C. Penney will shut 40 of their more than 1,000 stores across the country. Although even RadioShack is asking how the others are managing to stay in business.

J.C. Penney will shut 40 of their more than 1,000 stores across the country, which will affect about 2,250 employees. The problem could be that 50 of those workers are in sales, with the other 2,200 in the returns department.

Artificial Intelligence experts say they have developed a computer that can play Texas Hold ‘Em poker almost perfectly. Apparently all it took was installing a CD that keeps playing Kenny Rogers singing “The Gambler.”

Artificial Intelligence experts say they have developed a computer that can play Texas Hold ‘Em poker almost perfectly. The only problem is that it has already been shot three times accusing the dealer of marking the cards.

Artificial Intelligence experts say they have developed a computer that can play Texas Hold ‘Em poker almost perfectly. The only problem is that every time it gets a good hand, the computer gives it away when its hard disk goes into overdrive.

Selfie sticks are becoming the latest craze with tourists who can use them to take vacation pictures by themselves. Of course, they have to take them by themselves because they don’t have any friends on account of their narcissistic need to always take selfies.

A report says that consumer credit in the U.S. was up $14.8 Billion in November because of the improving economy. The sad part is the only way to tell if the economy is improving is when people feel good about going even deeper into debt.

A study with 700 retired people with an average of 43 years of marriage was done with the intent of finding the secret to a happy marriage. People were surprised at the results. There are 700 people who have saved enough to retire?

A study says that some older adults with dementia commit unintentional crimes like shoplifting because they aren’t thinking straight. Which means Bernie Madoff’s attorneys may use the information to say he just forgot the $18 Billion he stole belonged to someone else.

A baby girl in Missouri was born with two front teeth. Well, there goes her first Christmas list for Santa.

A baby girl in Missouri was born with two front teeth. The birth was hailed as a miracle by the people of Alabama. They couldn’t believe someone could be born with a full set of teeth.

A study says that cooler temperatures could boost the growth of brown fat which in turn burns other fat in the body. Some people are skeptical of the findings. When is the last time you have ever seen a skinny polar bear?

A study says that cooler temperatures could boost the growth of brown fat which in turn burns other fat in the body. If that was true, why is there not a single Chicago Bears fan at Soldier Field who can actually fit into one seat?

A Massachusetts woman gave birth one hour after finding out she was pregnant. She named the baby “Amazon Prime” because it also guarantees a one hour delivery.

The Discovery Channel admits that its program “Eaten Alive” was misleading. The question is, what else did anyone expect from a network that also brought us “Naked and Afraid,” “Billy Bob’s Gags To Riches” and “Amish Mafia”?

The Discovery Channel admits that its program “Eaten Alive” was misleading. Apparently they felt they were well within their limits if the E! Network can go on claiming “The Kardashians” is reality TV programming.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” was given an R rating instead of the more coveted PG-13 for “unusual behavior.” Apparently some of the people on the ratings committee were confused thinking the title meant the film was shot in black and white.

Kim Kardashian says she stayed up all night with Kanye West redoing her wardrobe. People were surprised. Since when did Kim Kardashian start wearing any clothes?

Kim Kardashian says she stayed up all night with Kanye West redoing her wardrobe. As opposed to most other nights when she stays up all night with Kanye West listening to him talk about himself.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told employees the league is “stronger and better” since the domestic violence controversies. Meaning he was able to get away with all the bad publicity and still keep his job.

Former Dolphin Rob Konrad reportedly fell off his fishing boat and swam nine miles to shore. So much for him being a “former” Dolphin.

Former Dolphin Rob Konrad reportedly fell off his fishing boat and swam nine miles to shore. It’s just a good thing he was associated with the Dolphins and not the Vikings.

Federal regulators are planning to raise the definition of broadband Internet to 25 Megabits per second. Which AOL says they are planning to try to achieve just as soon as they can upgrade their connections to Touch Tone from rotary dial.

A report says fewer job cuts were announced last year than any year since 1997. Mostly because businesses are now going under so fast they just don’t have time to tell any of their workers.

Coca-Cola says it will be cutting up to 1,800 jobs. The only problem for those people is what kind of jobs will they be able to get with their only qualification being able to mix sugar with water?

A study says that modern security tactics fail to protect computers against malware. Which was pretty much proven by Sony not even being able to keep out North Korean hackers who broke in using a RadioShack TRS-80 computer connected to AOL.

An analyst says that Google is planning to sell auto insurance in the U.S. The rumor started when people found that the GEICO Gecko had completely disappeared from any Google searches.

An analyst says that Google is planning to sell auto insurance in the U.S. Which is not a good sign that they want to sell people car insurance at the same time they are ready to launch a fleet of their self-driving cars onto the nation’s streets.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was another successful week with my comedy blog. Meaning when I pushed the “publish” button it put a bunch of words I wrote down onto the Internet. And of course, it brought much joy to the fingertips of 7 Billion potential readers. Almost all of whom have no idea it even exists. Which you can help put an end to by telling all your friends about my blog. It works much better if you have some sort of information or pictures they want kept secret. As for me, I am always good when all of you just remember once in awhile to send the love!

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