Thursday, January 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says people born during times of calm solar conditions may live up to five years longer. The only problem with the study is that it was done in Norway where they don’t even know what the Sun is six months of the year.

A study says people born during times of calm solar conditions may live up to five years longer. The one case that couldn’t be proven was Larry King as he was born three years before the Sun even came into existence.

New technology could soon put data on car windshields. The only problem is that people who are texting while driving never have time to actually look up at their windshields anymore.

Justin Bieber has been named an underwear model for Calvin Klein. Which is pretty amazing seeing that it was just three years ago he got out of wearing Huggies.

Justin Bieber has been named an underwear model for Calvin Klein. Bieber’s neighbors don’t mind seeing him walking around in his underwear because at least then they know he doesn’t have any pockets where he can carry around eggs.

McDonald’s officials in Japan are apologizing for a human tooth and pieces of plastic found in food there. The worst part is that the tooth and plastic had more nutritional value than the food they came in.

A woman in Connecticut was killed after jumping off a mall escalator. Apparently she took it a bit too literally when someone told her to “shop til you drop.”

A survey says 3 in 5 Americans don’t have enough savings to cover unexpected bills. The other 2 don’t have enough to cover the bills they do expect.

A survey says 3 in 5 Americans don’t have enough savings to cover unexpected bills. The worst part is the unexpected bills are the ones they still have from 2007 they thought their creditors had given up on collecting.

A report says the average American college freshman reads at a 7th grade level. The worst part is that the students who read the report complained that it didn’t come with any pictures.

A report says the average American college freshman reads at a 7th grade level. Or as 7th grade reading skills is called at UNLV, a full ride scholarship.

Jameis Winston says he is leaving Florida State for the NFL draft. The Heisman winning quarterback says that an NFL contract will allow him to do things he never thought possible. Like going through the checkout line in a supermarket.

Jameis Winston says he is leaving Florida State for the NFL draft. Football experts thought he was instead getting ready to transfer. From Florida State University to the Florida State Prison System.

A $32 Million lottery prize in Puerto Rico expired before it was claimed. The winner had the option of accepting the prize in cash or just taking Puerto Rico.

A survey says the job most likely to remain single at is motion picture projectionist. Apparently the results were extrapolated from the zero dates ever in high school for anyone in the Audio Visual Club.

A survey says that crossing guard is the job where people are most likely to be widowed. Especially when they put down the “Stop” sign just as their spouse is half way through the crosswalk.

The original Les Paul prototype electric guitar will be sold at auction. Millions of rock guitarists around the world had the same reaction to the news. “What?”

The original Les Paul prototype electric guitar will be sold at auction. The invention led to millions of mothers around the world saying the same thing to their children. “Turn that down!”

AT&T will let customers roll over their unused data roll over to the next month. Which means they can still use their January data allotment for when their AT&T cellphone finally makes an Internet connection in February.

The Federal Reserve says it expects a strong economy in 2015. Apparently they figure since they have been saying the same thing since 2008, one of these years they will have to be right.

The Federal Reserve says it expects a strong economy in 2015. In other news, AOL expects a breakthrough year, RadioShack is predicting record profits and the Cubs say they are going to win the World Series.

13 United Airlines flight attendants say they were fired for refusing to fly on a plane where someone had written “threatening words and menacing images.” Apparently they were frightened by seeing “United Airlines” written right next to the company logo.

A report says that gun sales surged in December. Which is a good sign for the economy. Apparently it means that people finally have enough money again where criminals need guns to try to rob them.

Dunkin’ Donuts is planning on opening 1,400 stores in China in the next 20 years. Apparently the Chinese feel now that they have taken our jobs and economic superiority, next on the agenda is to go after our domination of world obesity.

McDonald’s says it is laying off 63 people from its headquarters in Illinois. Apparently even some of their executives are making noise about wanting their wages raised to $15 an hour.

The FBI says that Sony hackers gave clues to their identity when they “got sloppy.” Although they still weren’t as sloppy as Sony which could have avoided the mess if they had changed their corporate computer password to something other than “password.”

The FBI says that Sony hackers gave clues to their identity when they “got sloppy.” Although they weren’t anywhere near as sloppy as Sony when they made the decision to release the most recent Adam Sandler movies.

Intel has unveiled the world’s smallest PC, which is about the size of a thumb drive. It was designed for people who are too embarrassed to let anyone know they are still using a Windows operated device.

Starbucks gift card sales jumped during the holiday season. Mostly from people who still like to help out their down and out friends during a depression by buying them a cup of coffee.

Starbucks gift card sales jumped during the holiday season. Mostly from people who like to give a $50 gift card they know will all be spent on one visit.

A study says that choosing between healthy foods like carrots and unhealthy foods like cake is a snap decision. To which most people who can’t decide just go with a slice of carrot cake.

A study says that choosing between healthy foods like carrots and unhealthy foods like cake is a snap decision. Meaning that they want to eat the carrots but their will power snaps and they go ahead with the cake.

A study says that active older people physiologically resemble younger people. The only problem is that the only active seniors they could find for the study were the ones wandering around trying to remember exactly where they live.

The CDC says that 1 in 7 older adults have some form of lung disease. Or as the other 6 who have high blood pressure, are morbidly obese, and suffer from chronic heart failure call those people, “the lucky ones.”

A study says that working rotating shifts increases the risk of an early death. Especially when the person is working three straight shifts at different jobs over 24 hours to try to make ends meet.

A study says that high blood sugar levels are a risk to patients with heart failure. Mostly because anything is a risk to patients who have heart failure.

A report says that half of U.S. adults over 40 who have some sort of breathing problems still smoke, often as a result of anxiety or depression. Of course, nothing causes more anxiety or depression than when you realize you can’t breathe anymore.

A study says that people buy the most high calorie food between January and March. Mostly in advance of when they figure they will finally give up on their New Year’s resolution to lose weight.

A study says that brain imaging is a possible predictor for a person’s future behavior. Mostly in being able to predict that they will freak out right after they get their doctor’s bill for the brain imaging.

Two sisters in Philadelphia gave birth 15 minutes apart. The only problem was for the hospital to make it possible for Kevin Federline to be in both delivery rooms at once to be their for the births of both his latest children.

An Ohio couple married for 69 years died 8 hours apart. After her husband passed away, the wife spent her final few hours happily by doing something she had never done before. Getting to hold the remote.

New rules say that fraternities and sororities at the University of Virginia can’t have beer kegs or mixed drinks at their parties. Apparently those will only be allowed during the usual times they are permitted, during study hall.

New rules say that fraternities and sororities at the University of Virginia can’t have beer kegs or mixed drinks at their parties. Which is pretty much about the same as asking the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest to go vegetarian.

New rules say that fraternities and sororities at the University of Virginia must have “sober monitors” at all parties. Which means they are going to have to figure out a way to get in some transfers from BYU fast.

New rules say that fraternities and sororities at the University of Virginia must have at least three members who are “sober and lucid” during parties. Which means they will have to change the rules to be allowed to recruit members who aren’t college students.

Critics are asking TLC to pull the show “My Husband’s Not Gay” from its lineup. Not only that, but some people are apparently confusing the show with the interaction between Kris and Bruce Jenner on “The Kardashians.”

A new show on VH1 called “Hindsight” is about a woman who goes back to 1995 to correct her life mistakes. Which is like the wish of members of the metal bands on VH1 Classics videos who would like to go back to 1983 and lose the hairspray and Spandex.

A comedian in Washington state was attacked by another comedian on stage with a baseball bat. Apparently the second comedian really needs some work on how to deliver a punch line.

Jennifer Lopez says she is going to legally remove her married name. The only question everyone has is which one?

Former Major League pitcher Curt Schilling says he missed being selected to the Hall of Fame because he is a Republican. It’s his own fault for insisting his stats show that he throws with his right wing.

Former Major League pitcher Curt Schilling says he missed being selected to the Hall of Fame because he is a Republican. How conservative is Schilling with the writers voting in John Smoltz, who thinks Attila the Hun was a little too liberal?

McDonald’s is installing 600 wireless charging stations for mobile devices in its UK restaurants. Apparently the restaurants want the outlets left open for when they need to use the defibrillators on any customers who have just wolfed down their third Big Mac.

Elections expert Philip Converse from the University of Michigan has died at age 86. Converse demonstrated that most the public is woefully uninformed when it comes to politics. When asked for proof, he always just showed a copy of the Congressional Record.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s January 8th. That means just a few more days until decorations and ads start appearing for Christmas 2015. In the meantime, the New Year is going well. I am actually writing “2015” on all my checks. The bank also writes on my checks, usually “Insufficient Funds.” Speaking of money, I still offer this blog at no cost. Mostly because it’s hard enough to get anyone to read it for free. All I ask for is an occasional transaction that doesn’t cost a dime. Just remember once in awhile to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Per your Starbucks Gift card joke...

I thoroughly enjoyed my $50 gift card, and 3 weeks later I still have it! It has no value, but I still have it, lol! Had to pay for my own latte today...

Always
Catherine