Friday, January 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Gates cautioned about the eventual potential dangers to the human race from Artificial Intelligence. Although he says we have nothing to worry about the threat of robots taking over as long as they are operated by Windows.

A pot grower in Seattle is rolling 12,000 marijuana joints in advance of Super Sunday. Apparently it’s a cross promotion with Domino’s, Papa John’s and Little Caesar’s.

A report says that group medical visits with several patients are becoming more popular with doctors. The only bad part is when you are the only one who is there for a prostate exam.

A poll shows a huge gap between what scientists and the public thinks. Especially when it comes to thinking you look good wearing khakis and a polo shirt while driving around in your Prius.

Senator John McCain yelled “Get out of here, you low life scum” at protesters at a hearing. He just wishes the event was outside so he could have also told them to get off  his lawn.

The new Air Force 1 jet being built by Boeing could be the last four engine jumbo jet ever built. Apparently the White House was making the provisions for the bigger plane in the event the 2016 election is won by Chris Christie.

The FCC says that anything below 25 megabits per second will not be considered as broadband anymore. In other words, everyone using DSL just got downgraded to AOL.

A survey says that 29% of Americans hide at least some cash bills and coins at home. The other 71% say they will start to do it just as soon as they actually get some cash.

A survey says that 29% of Americans hide at least some cash bills and coins at home. The sad part is the ones who label their spare change jar “retirement account.”

A report says that the world is now at “peak food” production. Which is no coincidence because it is pretty obvious that Americans are trying to reach peak food consumption.

A Canadian man missed out on sharing a $27 Million lottery prize when his ticket was printed seven seconds past the deadline. It was most money lost over a few seconds other than any company that has bought commercial time during the second half of the Super Bowl.

A Virginia woman is suing after she claims a police dog bit her after leaving a party. No one had any idea that Spuds MacKenzie had changed careers into law enforcement.

Two pilots have beaten the world’s distance record for flying in a helium balloon despite encountering several problems along the way. The biggest obstacle was almost not getting off the ground until they realized the person in charge of filling the balloon was the equipment manager for the New England Patriots.

Google profits were up 30% in the fourth quarter of 2014. Which was the only time any of  their investors were ever heard to say “Yahoo!”

A report says the number of new jobless claims dropped to a 15 year low. Mostly because the last time we saw any new jobs being created was back in 2000.

Airport food workers in Chicago were protesting against United Airlines. Apparently they are upset at having to work so much harder because of all the people who are living at the airport while waiting for their canceled United flights to be rescheduled.

A report says that U.S. home ownership has fallen to a 20 year low. Which isn’t entirely true. Someone owns every home. Although instead of the homeowner, its the banks, mortgage companies and foreign investors.

A report says that 72,000 Americans have 401(k) accounts of $1 Million or more. They all say they are looking forward to enjoying the money when they retire in another three years after they turn 87.

A report says that 72,000 Americans have 401(k) accounts of $1 Million or more. Those people are called company executives.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety says nine car models were found to have no fatal accidents from 2009 to 2012. Mostly because they were all made by GM and spent that entire time in the shop for the latest recalls.

Billionaire Carlos Slim’s TracFone wireless provider has been fined $40 Million for deceiving consumers about its unlimited data plans. Not only that, but they are now facing legal action from Sprint, Verizon and AT&T for stealing their business model.

A poll says that 41% of Americans think the Patriots cheated by deflating their footballs. The other 59% said they cheated but thought they meant a diet, taxes or their wives.

A survey says that 47% of Americans spend all their income or go into debt to meet their expenses. The other 53% are still waiting for the day when they actually can say they have an income again.

A Texas man may have been killed by an exploding airbag in his car. The worst part is his mechanic is the equipment manager for the New England Patriots.

A cellphone app reminds people to not stay out in the direct sunlight too long. Although that isn’t really necessary since cellphones keep people out of the sun for more than a few seconds at a time because they can’t update their Facebook accounts every minute from the glare on their screen.

A study says athletic performance may be based on the time of the event in relation to the athlete’s body clock. Which means the Cubs finally need to get some players with a daytime circadian rhythm when they are playing at Wrigley Field.

A study says that binge watching of TV could be a sign of depression and loneliness. Or that it is a Sunday during the NFL regular season.

A study says that binge watching of TV could be a sign of depression and loneliness. An even bigger sign of depression and loneliness is when someone is binge watching their radio.

The NFL says that concussions were down 25% this year. Meaning that when the coach held up two fingers to a player who was hit in the head, they only saw three fingers instead of four.

A study says that money is the most important to people between 30 and 50. Mostly men in that age group who need a lot of extra money to pay for the divorce from their first wife and still have enough to attract a much younger second wife.

A study says that drinking three cocktails a day may boost the risk of having a stroke. Not from the alcohol, but from repeatedly landing on your head every time you keep falling off the bar stool.

Sean Penn says he would consider a marriage to Charlize Theron to be his first. Which is interesting because that comment makes Madonna and Robin Wright pretty much regard him as number two.

Matthew McConaughey has been chosen as the commencement speaker at the University of Houston in May. Coincidentally, it will be just like one of his movies where the audience is made up of a large number of Cougars.

Justin Bieber has apologized for his behavior over the past year and a half, saying “I’m not who I was pretending to be.” Which everyone understands since he was pretending to be a singer.

The WWE Network has reached 1 Million subscribers. People were surprised at the news. Who thought there were that many wrestling fans who could scrape up $9.99 a month?

Blackbeard’s pirate ship the Queen Anne’s Revenge was excavated to be full of medical supplies. Apparently it was equipped with the latest medical technology from the 18th century including custom fitted leather eye patches along with lathed and varnished wooden legs.

Researchers have discovered a new tattoo on the body of mummified ice man Otzi. Apparently the location makes it the first recorded tramp stamp.

Congressional Democrats launched an issues conference in Philadelphia to help the middle class. And more importantly to make sure no members of Congress ever fall backwards into that economic group.

Congressional Democrats launched an issues conference at a  Philadelphia hotel to help the middle class. Which gave hotel workers the hope that some day they could get a job somewhere else that paid enough to get them out of the lower class.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham says he is considering a run for President because he is tired of hearing himself complain. Which is good because the day he is elected to the White House it will change to him hearing everyone else complain.

China has overtaken the U.S. for the top country for foreign investment. Mostly because the only time foreigners invest in the U.S. is when they are looking for a tax write off.

John Kerry was fined $50 for failing to clear his sidewalk during the recent snow storm. You would think a man who served in the Senate for nearly 30 years would be able to know how to handle a shovel.

Ford beat its profit estimates despite lower earnings and sales in 2014. It’s not a good sign for a business when everything is down but the year still ended better than they expected.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! Not a great day for jokes, but then if you read this blog you could pretty much say that on any given day. Super Sunday is just two days away. There will be tremendous pressure in the locker rooms and on the sidelines. But not as much as the the amount of pressure Roger Goodell will make sure is inside each football. Just make sure you don’t deflate my feelings before the big game by making sure to remember to send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Wishing you a happy and joyous three day Ground Hog Day Holiday weekend. lol