Thursday, January 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Seattle is planning to fine residents who throw away food instead of using it for compost. Families in Birmingham, Alabama were shocked at the report. There are people who throw away food?

A report says the wage disparity in Washington, D.C. is at a 35 year high. Politicians are alarmed, mostly because it is a result of the lobbyists keeping all their money and not handing out as much in bribes to members of Congress.

The Mayor of Beijing says smog has made the city “unlivable.” Fortunately, most people don’t notice it because they are more concerned with the chemicals in their drinking water and the mystery meat in their food.

A report says that legalized marijuana is the fastest growing business in the U.S. Followed closely by pizzerias, ice cream parlors and bakeries.

A neighborhood in a suburb of Los Angeles says their tap water has turned black, but that the water company is telling them it is safe to drink. To which nearby residents in Beverly Hills are asking “What’s tap water?”

Scans reveal that psychopaths’ brains don’t grasp punishment the same way as other people. Especially when the ones at Wall Street banks who destroyed the economy for their own gain know they aren’t going to be punished for what they did in the first place.

A report says that Apple has enough money to pay every American $556. Mostly because every American is giving Apple $5,000 so they can have an iPhone, iPad and MacBook.

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson set a world’s record by taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. But only because Kim Kardashian can’t count past the number 17.

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson set a world’s record by taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. Cleveland quarterback Johnny Manziel tried to surpass the record but kept dropping the camera.

A program run on a supercomputer picked the Seattle Seahawks to win the Super Bowl. Although before dropping any money on the game, keep in mind that supercomputers also said New York City was going to get 18” of snow earlier this week.

Experts are stumped by the estimated 1 Million young people in Japan who never leave their rooms. Although it’s easier to understand when you realize in Tokyo you can’t go out for a hot dog and soft drink without dropping $150.

Experts are stumped by the estimated 1 Million young people in Japan who never leave their rooms. They can’t understand why they aren’t more like American teenagers who leave their room all the time to lock themselves in the basement playing video games for three straight days.

The FDA is taking steps to make sure defibrillators are more reliable when they are needed. The only problem is when patients who are saved with a defibrillator go back into cardiac arrest once they are given their hospital bill.

Mexico’s environmental protection agency has shut down a proposed 1,400 acre mega-mall that would have featured Chinese made goods. Or as that is known as in the rest of the world, a redundancy.

Mexico’s environmental protection agency has shut down a proposed 1,400 acre mega-mall that would have featured Chinese made goods. People in the U.S. were surprised. Mexico has an environmental protection agency?

A survey says that fewer than one third of U.S. workers were engaged in their job in 2014. The figure was reached because the other two thirds knocked off work for a half hour to answer the survey.

Jeff Bridges will be featured in a Super Bowl ad for a tape he made to help people fall asleep. The only question is whether the commercial will air before everyone falls asleep from drinking all day and trying to stay awake through another Super Bowl blowout.

Google says that Youtube is so inundated with videos that the staff is unable to filter out any terror related content. Which means we can forget airport searches and domestic spying. The real security risk is all the people spending 18 hours a day watching cat videos.

Amazon says it will start an e-mail operation for companies. The only catch is that the e-mails will be delivered free only if it comes with a minimum $35 purchase.

Bill Gates says he feels stupid for never having learned a foreign language. Which isn’t entirely true since he is completely fluent in the computer geek required BASIC, Fortran and Klingon.

California has declared e-cigarettes a health threat. Which won’t be taken completely seriously until the state posts the same status for Bakersfield.

Apple has become one of the few enterprises that has sold more than 1 Billion items. The company joins icons like Elvis Presley, McDonald’s and Taco Bell. Which Apple may want to consider before being linked to endeavors associated with obesity, poor health and dying young.

The owner of an online clothing company says he is interested in buying bankrupt SkyMall. There have been crazier business deals. Like the millions of people who actually bought something through SkyMall.

An estimate says that overfishing could empty the oceans of fish by 2050. Which means people will have to just come up with another source for their daily minimum requirements of mercury.

An estimate says that overfishing could empty the oceans of fish by 2050. Fortunately, that won’t stop the Red Lobster from continuing to serve whatever it is they are putting in their coastal soup.

A report says that veterinarians are using acupuncture for pain relief for pets. Although it might not be a good idea to be the first one to try sticking a needle into a pit bull that is already not feeling real well.

A report says that veterinarians are using acupuncture for pain relief for pets. The only question is what to do for the pain the owners feel after paying $250 to have their Chihuahua experience the latest trend in New Age Medicine.

A study says that most people say they would donate samples of their body tissue for research. Although in reality for most Americans, the only samples they really ever actually give are during their visits to the sperm bank and the mandatory blood test when they are pulled over for a DUI.

A study says that trouble falling asleep may be associated with high blood pressure. Especially for the people who stay up all night worrying about how they are going to pay their prescription bills for all the medication for their high blood pressure.

A study says that trouble falling asleep may be associated with high blood pressure. Especially when people can’t shut out the noise of the “glug, glug” sound their heart is making while trying to pump their blood which has the same viscosity as maple syrup.

A study says that expensive drugs work better than cheaper versions. Which is why Mark McGwire won the home run title in 1998 over Sammy Sosa because Sosa’s health care plan only paid for the generic brand of steroids.

A study says that expensive drugs work better than cheaper versions. To which anyone who has had a prescription filled out in the past 15 years is asking “What cheaper drugs?”

A study says that NFL players who played tackle football before the age of 12 are more likely to have thinking and memory problems as adults. Mostly because if they were that good at such a young age they were able to go all the way through college without ever having to actually get an education.

A study says that beauty products may trigger early menopause in some women. Which is ironic because women who have a houseful of kids would give anything to have five minutes to actually be able to sit down and put on some makeup.

A study says that beauty products may trigger early menopause in some women. Then why is it always the women who are way past their childbearing years who are the ones piling on a two inch thick layer of foundation, sealer and powder?

Lindsay Lohan’s claims of community service were questioned in court. Apparently the judge feels she won’t really meet her requirements of providing a benefit to the public until she takes an extended break from making movies.

Kobe Bryant underwent successful shoulder surgery. Apparently the injury was cause by the strain of making the unusual move of actually trying to pass the ball to someone else.

Brett Favre says he was rushed into retirement the first time. Fortunately, he was able to go more at his own pace for each of his following five retirements.

Portland State University researchers have designed a coffee cup especially for astronauts to use in space. Apparently they hold just enough coffee so they don’t go over the limit of how much their astronaut diapers can hold.

Portland State University researchers have designed a coffee cup especially for astronauts to use in space. The only problem is that the astronauts’ demand for Starbucks coffee on the ISS has pushed NASA over its budget allotment through 2018.

A study based on skeletons dug up from Danish graveyards dating back to the 12th through the 17th centuries shows that skull fractures can lead to early death. As could pretty much anything else for the people living in Denmark in the 12th through the 17th centuries.

Microsoft personal assistant Cortana has picked the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. But before anyone places any bets based on the information, they have to remember this is the same source Bill Gates uses to find a place to get his hair cut.

A computer program simulated 50,000 games between the Patriots and Seahawks before figuring the Seahawks would win 57.3% of the time. Computer programmers say the other 42.7% of the time the matchup would be won by Uther the Lightbringer from World of Warcraft.

A computer program simulated 50,000 games between the Patriots and Seahawks before figuring the Seahawks would win 57.3% of the time. The simulation total of 50,000 was used because that is the same number of times Marshawn Lynch has said “I’m here so I won’t be fined.”

Facebook says that 8 of 10 users are on mobile devices. Mostly because its the only way they can post pictures of all the meals they are eating when they go out.

Ford, Toyota and Nissan have announced recalls of more than 1 Million vehicles. To which GM is saying “Amateurs!”

A Japanese man has invented a rideable robotic horse. Since it is powered by a gasoline engine, the only question is how many horsepower is it?

A study says that liberals are more likely to outlive conservatives. At least until conservatives do away with gun controls, the EPA and banning sugary soft drinks.

A study says that liberals are more likely to outlive conservatives. Mostly from all the conservatives who have heart attacks from having to clean their own pools after reporting their undocumented pool boy.

Mitt Romney says that marriage is one answer to poverty. Just ask John Kerry who married the woman who inherited the Heinz fortune.

Mitt Romney says that marriage is one answer to poverty. Except when you are Mickey Rooney and die poor from doing it eight times.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only three days until the Super Bowl. That’s a huge day for women around the country. Not because it is the end of football season, but because it’s the one weekend day since August when their husbands have only one game to pick from. I’ll be watching the game because what else is there to do when the whole country is shut down? I don’t care who wins, just as long as it isn’t the Patriots. If you are going to cheat, do it out in the open where everyone can see it, like the Raiders. I just ask everyone to play by one rule here. That is to try to remember every once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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