Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Grocery stores in the northeast were cleaned out on Monday. It was a perfect storm which was a combination of people stocking up on supplies in advance of the approaching blizzard which also fell on Chris Christie’s shopping day.

New “cubitat” rooms combine living spaces which include a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom , laundry and storage in a ten by ten foot area. Which are already known in New York City as a $3,000 a month apartment in downtown Manhattan.

A poll says that dissatisfaction with the federal government is at an all time low. It is so low that it is now officially tied with every other time in the nation’s history.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. The other three have read the list of this year’s Oscar nominees.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. They feel instead that Hollywood is biased against conservatives, the military and straight people.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. The other three have apparently seen black people in real life who aren’t an athlete, slave or a pimp.

A national phone company in Denver says it is “outraged” at the fraud and abuse in the free government cellphone program. Why shouldn’t the phone companies be able to take poor people for all their money for having a cellphone like they do with everyone else?

Dubai has overtaken Heathrow in London as the top international airport. Mostly ever since they introduced their express check-in lane for people transporting three bombs or less.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. Which means it’s a good thing Congress has been able to hold the national debt at just under $18 Trillion or we could be in real trouble.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. Which doesn’t bother most of the members of Congress since they will have been dead for at least ten years by then.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. The joke is on him because at this rate the country will have gone broke long before 2040.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he wants an apology from the NFL if their investigation into Deflategate finds no wrongdoing. Although most football experts feel his request will fall flat.

Equipment usually used for border protection will be brought in to help with security at Sunday’s Super Bowl in Arizona. Mostly because there won’t be any border patrolling that weekend as restaurants will need every undocumented aliens they can get to sneak in and help cook all the chicken wings they will be selling.

The IRS Commissioner says that staffing shortages will mean more taxpayers will be directed to the Internet for help with their taxes. People are being advised to be suspicious when they go online and get offers for tax deductions for any donations made to Nigerian princes.

Facebook says it is declaring war on misinformation on the Internet. They say anyone who is looking for fake news stories can always just go to Foxnews.com.

MIT researchers say they have developed an interface that will allow a computer to plug directly into a person’s brain. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a video game console.

The National Weather Service has admitted its forecasts for much of the northeast snow storm were wrong. They conceded their error after people didn’t believe their earlier explanation that two feet of snow meant there would be enough snow to cover both of your shoes.

The National Weather Service has admitted its forecasts for much of the northeast snow storm were wrong. Meteorologists are rethinking their strategy after realizing they have a better chance statistically of being right if they just forecast partly cloudy skies and 70 degrees for every day of the year.

A study says that cutting unemployment benefits created 1.8 Million jobs in the U.S. Mostly for extra prison guards for all the people convicted of stealing to try to get by without their unemployment benefits.

Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado wants the intelligence community to monitor Senator Marco Rubio around the clock for his support of domestic spying. Although it is already pretty much known that nothing that has to do with intelligence would ever come from snooping on a member of Congress.

Airlines continue to make huge profits with no plans to cut air fares or make any more available seating. Which answers the question as to where all the oil company executives relocated once the profits in their business started to dry up.

The FCC told Marriott Hotels they have no right to block Wi-Fi signals on their property. To which Marriott says they should have the right to charge people to go online while they are waiting three hours in their hotel lobby for their room to finally be ready.

Amazon says it is making it easier for customers to qualify for the $35 minimum order for free shipping. It is simply raising the prices on all its items by $20.

Microsoft stock fell 9.2% in one day based on the company’s dreary outlook. The problem is that it is always pretty drab outside when the only view is through Microsoft Windows.

A study says that boring stocks tend to generate better returns. Which is good news since to anyone who doesn’t have an Ivy League MBA, all stocks are boring.

A study says that boring stocks tend to generate better returns. Although all stocks are pretty exciting compared to trying to sit down to try to watch anyone on CNBC for more than two minutes.

Apple reported the largest quarterly profit in history with $18 Billion. Oil executives had to take their hats off to the people at Apple for making all those profits without even having to get the country involved in any wars to do it.

Louisiana saw the highest increase in unemployment in the country in 2014, going up 25%. Apparently they have just run out of items they can sell printed with pictures of the cast of “Duck Dynasty.”

The CBO has slashed the estimated cost of Obamacare. Although an even bigger saving to the nation is the Republicans finally doing something other than writing bills and voting to try to repeal the law.

A study says that childhood neglect can lead to harmful changes in the brain. Which is good for the wives of New York hedge fund managers who know that will never be a problem as their children are in the hands of the best nannies money can buy.

A study says that childhood neglect can lead to harmful changes in the brain. Although the study says that doesn’t apply if you are neglected but your dad is Kevin Federline.

The FDA has approved its first generic version of the heartburn drug Nexium. Although that didn’t do anything to help the indigestion the decision caused for the pharmaceutical executives who will lose the millions of dollars they have been getting for soaking people for the name brand drug.

A study says that blood transfusions during heart surgery may increase the risk of catching pneumonia. Although if you are having heart surgery that requires blood transfusions, pneumonia is probably halfway down the list of things that could go wrong.

A gene associated with better aging reportedly also makes people smarter. Especially people who live longer because they are too smart to watch and try to emulate the stunts on “Jackass.”

A study says that prostate cancer patients who smoke fare worse. Although if smoking is the cause of your prostate cancer, you may be putting that cigarette in the wrong place.

A disabled Chinese woman is writing a book with her toes. The only problem is that she has already been accused of plagiarism for not including footnotes.

A disabled Chinese woman is writing a book with her toes. Her publisher is very excited about the work, saying she really nailed it.

A study says that daily drinking may raise the risk of liver cirrhosis. In another related study, people who eat every meal at McDonald’s may raise the risk of gaining a little additional weight.

A study says that daily drinking may raise the risk of liver cirrhosis. In another related study, the sun may rise tomorrow in the east.

A study says that using Benadryl may increase the risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Researchers say the study is inconclusive but the results are nothing to sneeze at.

A food industry group says the average American consumes 2,400 calories during the Super Bowl. Which means the fans are doing everything in their power to make sure they will no way be personally accused of being touched by the scandal of Deflategate.

Mississippi is investigating an 88 year old doctor who works out of his car. Although many people applaud him as being one of the few doctors who still makes shanty calls.

Mississippi is investigating an 88 year old doctor who works out of his car. The biggest problem is the Medicare office which is having difficulty finding an insurance form to match his charges of two chickens and a quart of goat’s milk.

A study says that paying people is the best way to help them quit smoking. Apparently it’s not enough to show them the $8 they just saved every time they don’t buy a pack of cigarettes.

A study says that paying people is the best way to help them quit smoking. Or they could just show them an estimate of the bill they will be getting in a couple of years for their heart bypass surgery.

A Mississippi woman who wears a size 22 has just signed a contract with a modeling agency. Apparently she will be modeling this year’s duck hunting shelter tents.

A Mississippi woman who wears a size 22 has just signed a contract with a modeling agency. How does someone get to be a size 22 in Mississippi? By not living within driving distance of a Krispy Kreme store.

Taylor Swift’s Twitter account was reportedly hacked. Authorities say they have so far eliminated the six men who have not recently dated her.

A battery powered device in England is still running after 175 years. It is the longest constantly running device in the world other than Madonna’s vibrator.

Restorators at the Colosseum in Rome say they have found remnants of a stadium seating plan. The worst part was for people who were rooting for the gladiators who were stuck in the same section as the families of the lions.

Restorators at the Colosseum in Rome say they have found remnants of a stadium seating plan. The discovery was made when the remains of an old building outside the stadium had a sign saying “Ticketmaster.”

Apple sold 9 iPhones every second during the last quarter of 2014. Not only that, but iPhone made a fortune compiling the information with their 99 cent “I just bought an iPhone” app.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of great jokes to keep you amused. Which is what you would be saying if I had actually put any thought into any of these. I crank out nearly 50 jokes a day, while working at a full time job that actually pays me. Imagine that. There’s the real joke. I would have had even one more today but there is one idea I had that I wrote down and cannot read for the life of me. Maybe my daughter can help me out on that one. I should have been a doctor. At least I have the penmanship for it. You don’t need a pen. Just get into your e-mail account and type me a message that your computer will deliver. It’s the easiest way yet to send the love!

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