Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Blizzard of 2015 has caused 7,500 flight cancellations across the country today. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Tuesday.”

A study says that people who hear voices in their heads should try talking back to them. Although it’s not a good idea while in their therapist’s office since he might charge for a group visit.

“American Idol” winner Phillip Phillips has filed a lawsuit to get out of what he calls is the show’s “oppressive contract.” He claims he was mistreated; being made to perform for free, left out of important decisions and repeatedly being referred to as “Dawg.”

“American Idol” winner Phillip Phillips has filed a lawsuit to get out of what he calls is the show’s “oppressive contract.” Other “American Idol” winners were attempted to be contacted for their opinions but no one knows where to actually find any of them.

A report says a group of Cuban youths has put together a makeshift Internet out of piecemeal equipment to make a crude connection that services about 9,000 people. To which AOL immediately sued, claiming they stole their business model.

A report says that union membership is at a 100 year low. The worst part is that most of them are the striking air traffic controllers who were fired back in 1981 and are still waiting for the government to give them their jobs back.

Some lenders are allowing people to buy homes with only a 3% down payment. They figure they will get the other 97% when the house goes into foreclosure and they sell it to a real estate speculator for cash.

Some lenders are allowing people to buy homes with only a 3% down payment. Which is a coincidence as that someone with that little money to put down has about a 3% chance on making payments for more than a couple of years.

A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. In other words, they will have to move to a remote, desolate place in the wilderness to live like the people who are angry at them for making them all poor.

A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. Which justifies them stealing all that money that they now need to get away from the problems they caused.

S&P has downgraded Russia’s credit rating to junk. How bad have things gotten there when their credit rating is worse than the U.S. where we are $17 Trillion in the hole?

S&P has downgraded Russia’s credit rating to junk. The worst part is they found out because they only had enough money to go online and check out FreeCreditReport.com.

Lawyers are asking for clemency for a Georgia death row inmate who only has an IQ of 70. His legal team says that qualifies him for a chance at rehabilitation and a new life through a full ride academic scholarship at the University of Alabama.

The CBO says the federal deficit has dropped to its lowest level of the Obama presidency. Which is like Cubs fans celebrating their team lost fewer games than usual this year.

The CBO says the federal deficit has dropped to its lowest level of the Obama presidency. Which is like praising GM because for the first time in six months your car isn’t in the shop for the latest recall.

A report says that innovation suffers at NASA because employees stay on too long and don’t work well with colleagues. Although those are difficult to do while you are waiting for the next rocket to pick you up from the ISS while having to constantly wear astronaut diapers.

A report says that innovation suffers at NASA because employees stay on too long and don’t work well with colleagues. Apparently many workers are miffed that the only snacks available in the breakroom are Tang and leftover Space Food Sticks.

A survey says the income gap is the top concern of high net worth individuals. Most of them are upset that their plan to get it all hasn’t quite worked out yet.

Family Dollar stores say their sales were up in December. Which is nice to see that some families were actually to get their hands on a dollar.

Family Dollar stores say their sales were up in December. How sad is it when dollar stores are now counting on Christmas shoppers to push them over their profit line?

The first U.S. Bitcoin exchange has opened for business. So far, ever single transaction has involved barterers trading in their Bitcoins for Star Wars figurines.

IBM is denying reports they will have a massive layoff involving 26% of their employees. The word is already out that their PCs that work off Windows have seen sales drop so much they are going to have to show everyone the door.

The CEO of Mattel Toys has resigned over poor sales of its Barbie line. Not only that, there have been allegations of sexual harassment ever since Barbie announce she is being represented by Gloria Allred.

The CBO says that interest on the national debt will triple over the next decade. Which means it could be worse since the way things are going, the national debt will quadruple in the same amount of time.

The IRS says that thieves stealing tax refunds is still a big problem. Fortunately, it is only a real threat to the six people who still make enough income to actually need to file a return.

The IRS says that thieves stealing tax refunds is still a big problem. Which angers the tax agency who is saying they thought of it first.

A new program will tie Medicare payments to quality over quantity of care. In other words, when a patient dies over lack of treatment they will get a break on their final bill.

The Blizzard of 2015 with all its canceled flights will cost fliers who have to eat meals and get hotel rooms at the airports where they are stranded. That doesn’t affect travelers who have already budgeted those expenses when they booked their flight on United.

A report says that electronic dance music is making a comeback as older Millennials are starting to listen to it. Apparently they have already figured the fastest way to stop your kids from doing something you don’t like is to take an interest in it yourself.

A report says that Valentine’s Day spending is expected to hit a record $18.9 Billion this year. Mostly from men who have to pay out the big bucks for expensive gifts after being caught by their wives buying presents for all the girlfriends they have met on Facebook.

A paper written by an economist says that Wal-Mart is responsible for making the obesity epidemic worse through their food distribution methods. Which means that Wal-Mart was able to expand its empire mainly through helping to expand most Americans.

A survey says that only a third of the oldest Baby Boomers are still working. Mostly because they have to if they ever want to pay off the college bills of their Millennial kids.

A survey says that only a third of the oldest Baby Boomers are still working. Which is pretty good considering only about a quarter of every other generation can still find jobs.

The U.S. adult obesity rate went up to 27.7% in 2014. Which means that there are still 72.3% of us out there who just aren’t trying hard enough.

The U.S. adult obesity rate went up to 27.7% in 2014. If you have been out lately it looks like a lot more than 27.7% of us are obese. Mostly because they are so big they make it impossible to see the other 72.3%.

A report says that more than half of the dogs and cats in the U.S. are overweight. Mostly because they know they can get away with being fat and slow as long as their owner doesn’t plan on moving to Korea anytime soon.

A study says that salt may have little or no effect on the risk of heart disease in older adults. Mostly because at that point if all the fat and sugar they eat hasn’t killed them, how much is a little salt going to hurt?

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of PTSD as early as 1300 BC. Although back then it was called “spear and shield shock.”

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of PTSD as early as 1300 BC. Soldiers who survived the battlefield apparently had guilty feelings about being able to have a chance to make it all the way to the full life expectancy of age 27.

A study says that mindfulness exercises improve kids’ math scores. Mostly in children who can concentrate on their math studies while being able to block out distracting thoughts of how the all the bullies will give them their usual wedgies right after class.

A study says that employers should take an active role in making sure their workers get enough sleep. The problem is they keep waking them up from their nap time every day when they come back from their three hour lunch.

A study says that employers should take an active role in making sure their workers get enough sleep. Although they see the real problem as the two other jobs their employees have to take to make it by on what they pay them.

A study says that depression medications are being tied to a higher risk for developing dementia. Which is good because the patients can go off their medication when they can’t remember what they were depressed about in the first place.

Kylie Jenner says she is busy working towards her high school diploma. To which the other cast members of the Kardashians are saying, “Show off!”

Kylie Jenner says she is busy working towards her high school diploma. The rest of the Kardashian women are proud to say their education came from the school of fake knockers.

Lance Armstrong says he thinks it is close to the time where people will start to forgive him. Especially when it turns out he didn’t use drugs to win his races, he took a page from the New England Patriots and let the air out of the other bike racers’ tires.

Las Vegas casinos say that more fans are betting on New England than Seattle in the Super Bowl. Especially now that they think anything involving the Patriots will end up as a blow out.

The Super Bowl will reportedly be missing an iconic part of every major sporting event because of Deflategate. It turns out the Patriots’ equipment manager was also the person in charge of putting helium into the Goodyear Blimp.

The NFL is reportedly investigating the Patriots’ locker room attendant over the team’s deflated footballs. Although the word is that he has been cleared of any wrongdoing as the only needles found in his desk were for injecting steroids.

Golfer Robert Allenby’s story about being kidnapped and robbed at a bar in Hawaii is reportedly falling apart. The strange part is the kidnappers’ ransom demand was for one of Tiger Woods’ teeth.

Golfer Robert Allenby’s story about being kidnapped and robbed at a bar in Hawaii is reportedly falling apart. He says he can’t identify the suspects because they kept their faces hidden behind some Mai Tai umbrellas.

Ray Lewis says if the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl it should come with an asterisk. Which, fortunately the Ravens were able to avoid since the two murders Lewis is connected with happened after the game.

A survey says that 1 in 10 adults have damaged a smartphone while watching or playing in a sporting event. Mostly from other people taking it away and breaking it while they are yakking on the phone through the entire Super Bowl.

A survey says that 1 in 10 adults have damaged a smartphone while watching or playing in a sporting event. Although if you damage a cellphone while participating in a sporting event, you need to stop fooling yourself into thinking that bowling, fishing or fantasy football are actual sports.

Uber is vowing not to gouge people during the Blizzard of 2015. Mostly because they already made their profit goals for the entire year by gouging everyone on New Year’s Eve.

This week is the 100th anniversary of the first Transatlantic phone call. Although it wasn’t a happy occasion as the call came in 2015 from England asking if anyone had heard from the Titanic.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only five days until Super Sunday, when Americans will spend the entire day overeating, getting drunk and passing out on the couch. Which used to be called “Thanksgiving.” The thanks that are being given this year are from the people who enjoy Tom Brady squirming while taking questions and trying to proclaim his innocence over Deflategate. I couldn’t care less about either team in the Super Bowl. Mostly because my team, the Raiders couldn’t care less in trying to ever get there again. What I do care about is that all of you occasionally remember to send the love!

No comments: