Sunday, January 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The latest developments in the New England Patriots Deflategate have now moved off the field. Reports say that SuperBowl halftime show headliner Katy Perry has dropped down to a C-cup.

Jeb Bush previewed his 2016 presidential run in a speech last week where he promised to offer the country “adult conversations.” Although campaign staffers may have mistaken what he meant by adult conversations when they changed the official campaign phone number to a 900 area code.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. She says she hasn’t experienced being in such an out of control free fall since she worked at CNN.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. The elevator dropped so fast that for a few seconds her mouth was actually symmetrical.

Pope Francis I told followers to “Put down the iPhone and start talking to each other.” Although no Catholic will be giving up their smartphones until there is another way to kill time watching cat videos during Sunday mass.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The test checks to see if the person has booked any upcoming trips booked on Amtrak.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The odds apparently drop dramatically the farther the person’s address is from Detroit.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The first thing the test does is ask the person’s occupation. The test ends if the person says anything besides “rapper.”

The CIA top spy has stepped down. No one even knows the person’s name or what they do. Until now, the only other job with the same description has been Vice President.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper says that legalizing marijuana was a bad decision. Mostly because if you thought people who were high on pot giggled uncontrollably before, just wait until someone says “Hickenlooper.”

The World Economic Forum in Davos which is attended by billionaires is selling hot dogs for $43. Even the world’s wealthiest were fuming at that. Imagine thinking they would actually consider eating a hot dog.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on Super Sunday. The one chicken wing that was never even able to make it to the regular season is the one that describes Tim Tebow’s throwing arm.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on during the Super Bowl. Which is sad that while Buffalo has never had their name engraved on the Lombardi Trophy, at least they always have a prominent place on the Super Sunday menu.

A report says that Maryland has more millionaires per capita than any other state. The only reason it beats out New Jersey is because as soon as anyone there makes a million dollars they know they have enough to go live somewhere else.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. Hopefully he can be cleared of all charges by the work of the detective team headed by his cousin Scooby.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. He should have been like the other rappers and gone after a lighter sentence for just shooting someone.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the school says having to work and make the college money for four years and not getting a degree teaches everyone a valuable lesson.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” Fortunately, the students were able to afford to hire a legal team with all the illegal payments they were given while playing for UNC.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the university is asking why, if they wanted a meaningful education were they enrolling at UNC?

9 year old twins in New Hampshire are back with their parents after their uncle who was put in charge left them alone for days at a time in an apartment over five months. To which the children are calling him “The greatest uncle ever!”

The TSA is being accused of hiding security problems at airports, saying they are classified. Although the TSA wouldn’t so many problems with classified information if they didn’t hire all their agents through classified ads.

Edgar Froese, a founding member of Tangerine Dream has died at age 70. Doctors say he could have probably lived several more years if he would have gone to a diet that had more citrus.

A study says that women have only 17% of the leadership roles available in the film industry, the same percentage as in 1998. Apparently that is the maximum number of women available that movie executive men will hire who have had implants, Botox treatments and are still under 40.

The Border Patrol says the GOP Border Security Bill is weak and just “window dressing.” If the GOP hasn’t been criticized for using weak window dressing since their 2012 nomination of Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis I says ridding stereotypes is the key to relations between Christians and Muslims. Eliminating stereotypes is also the only way the Church will ever get young boys to start volunteering again to be altar boys.

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs real photographers when athletes are spending all their time on the sidelines tweeting selfies?

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs to pay real photographers when there are millions of freelancers who will do anything just to be included on the shooting for the annual Swimsuit Issue?

A poll says that Americans’ satisfaction with federal income taxes is on the low side. Mostly because so many Americans forgot how much of a bite taxes take since they are finally getting an income for the first time since 2007.

The beer can is celebrating its 80th birthday. The innovation has led to the formation of two other completely separate industries. Recycling and rehab.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Which means that the other 54% are not advertising beer or using bikini models in their commercials.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Those are the ones who will see their ads played in the first half before the game has been already decided and some of the fans are still sober.

Modern Farmer magazine has let its entire editorial staff go. Mostly because truly modern farmers have switched over to another magazine for direction. High Times.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz received a 24% boost in his pay package in 2014. In other words, he was given one of those lifetime supply cards.

The NFL is offering services to former players to help them start businesses after their playing careers are over. Apparently the program was suggested by New England Patriots players as a hedge against inflation.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because of passengers on United and American who can now use electronic gadgets while flying as a way to book the next flight for their connection which has been cancelled.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because after paying for air fare, luggage charges and all the other fees, no fliers have any money left to buy expensive novelty goods from a magazine.

Billionaires attending the World Economic Forum in Davos walked a combined 8,700 miles to raise money to buy bicycles for underprivileged kids around the world. Which was easier than giving up their private jets to fly coach and using the savings to buy bicycles for every child on the planet.

Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team at $2.1 Billion. The New England Patriots came in second at $1.64 Billion, but as the team will tell you that is before adjusting for inflation.

A study says that saying at home and watching TV can prevent the spread of the flu. Mostly because people glued to the couch will die from heart disease, high blood pressure and obesity long before they catch the flu bug.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Which is no problem because if there is that little emotional intimacy he is more than likely in the bar across the street from the hospital watching football.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Although a lack of emotional intimacy with a partner might be a good sign that you shouldn’t be having a baby with them in the first place.

A study says that social media can cause stress. Especially when your wife figures out your Facebook password and sees the messages you have been exchanging with other women.

The FDA has approved a system of apps that will allow mobile monitoring of blood sugar. Which means your doctor will be able to call the emergency room to make a reservation the minute he sees you are sitting down at a table at Krispy Kreme.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. The worst example is the hospital nurses who can cut some of the expense of their own operations by staying awake and handing the doctor their surgical instruments.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. Which is good since between the three jobs most people have to work at to make ends meet, no one has time to actually get sick anymore.

Bill Gates says a vaccine for HIV may be available by 2030. An even bigger breakthrough was his announcement that there could be a reliable version of Windows by 2050.

Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson set a record with 37 points in one quarter. Or as Kobe Bryant calls that, a great team effort.

The NFLPA is advising New England Patriot players not to talk about Deflategate. Although the whole problem started because no one on the team could control any leaks.

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There are three categories; Qantas: great. Southwest: good. American: have you bought flight insurance?

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There isn’t a category for United Airlines since it’s hard to rate the odds of a crash when every flight since 2012 has been cancelled.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note in the world of baseball. Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks has died at the age of 83. I was too young to get to see him in his prime. By the time I started watching the game he was in semi-retirement at first base. It was always great when Banks played for the Cubs and they came to town because it meant you got to see a future Hall of Famer while your team still got to win the game. How can it get any better than that? His motto was always “Let’s play two.” Which in today’s lingo with pitch counts, relief pitchers and designated hitters translates to “Let’s play about three and a half innings.” Make sure that you send a little of the love today to the man who was great both on and off the field!

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