Friday, January 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which as people today know that as, owning a computer that operates with Windows Vista.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which will make it tough to use a search engine like Google when you are spending most your time just searching for the web.

Harvard professors told the World Economic Forum at Davos that privacy is dead. Unless you are someone with less than a billion dollars in personal wealth and a private jet who is actually trying to get inside the World Economic Forum at Davos.

New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver has been arrested for corruption, being accused of taking bribes and masking them as legitimate income. To which most politicians are saying “You mean they’re not?”

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although he says he will now make sure the person whose job it is to pump up the footballs will be signed up for some strength training sessions.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although one clue could be the equipment manager’s autographed copy of the autobiography of Joe Niekro.

Anthropologists say that a 3 Million year old human ancestor had hands that would allow them to grasp and use tools. Although after all that time we still haven’t evolved enough to be able to throw a fully inflated football.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Which means it might be a good idea to cancel Daylight Saving Time this March.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Not to miss out on any possible trends, Apples used the occasion to introduce their new Doomsday iWatch.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight because of nuclear proliferation and global warming. Which is ironic for the group in that the only way we may be able to stop climate change is with a global atomic conflict that envelops the planet in nuclear winter.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. It’s the one class where the students are always ready to work on their papers.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. Since it is an advanced class with a specialized topic, it is considered a 420 level course.

NASA says a telescope aboard a solar studying spacecraft has taken its 100 Millionth picture of the Sun. The only problem is that every single one of them has come back overexposed.

A Russian businessman speaking at the World Economic Form in Davos says sanctions aren’t affecting his country. Going through another few years of having to wait in line for toilet paper might just bring back another nostalgia craze.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. His plans are to take some time off and travel around the country in a car that lets him make a right turn every once in awhile.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. Not to say he is getting older, but the other drivers are starting to complain about how hard it is to pass him with his turn signal always blinking.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Which just shows the Germans could have won either World War if they just had better aim.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Apparently the judges decided that the men should have the same rights as all the German women.

A survey says the chances of workers getting a raise are the best in years. Employers now say the improving economy has dropped those chances from none to slim.

A report says that McDonald’s french fries have 19 ingredients. The worst part is that none of the ingredients are listed as “potatoes.”

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. Although it hasn’t been too much of an issue because no one has yet been interested in buying $2,000 watches that come only in a 24 pack.

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. The last thing Omega watches wants is for people to think lower prices means their watches are second hand.

T-Mobile is offering a new phone deal to people with bad credit. Which makes sense since most people sign up with T-Mobile after they can’t afford making their monthly payments to Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Although before he makes statements like that, he should remember what happened to the last person who said that and suggested to “let them eat cake.”

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Which is a brave statement to make to people who lost their homes in the mortgage crisis considering he is the one who made billions betting against subprime loans.

A report says the NFL’s brand perception is down by half from last year. If it goes down any more, it will be almost as flat as a New England Patriots’ football.

Melvin Gordon, the CEO of Tootsie Rolls has died at age 95. The sad part is he was that close to finally getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop without biting.

Bankers are warning consumers about problems they are facing from the wealth gap. Although it would have been nicer if they would have warned us before their mortgage lending practices destroyed the economy and created the wealth gap.

A study says that people are better at remembering details when they anticipate having to recall them in the future. Apparently the study didn’t include men and birthdays, anniversaries and taking out the trash.

An analysis says that smokers spend more than $1 Million on their habit over their lifetime. The good news about smoking is that it keeps them from going even more in debt by killing them so soon.

A study says it is easier to lose weight and quit smoking if your partner becomes involved. The only problem is for the people who won’t be able to find a partner until they lose 50 pounds and quit smelling like an ashtray.

A study says a handful of walnuts a day can help improve a person’s memory. For one thing, it will help them remember to clean up the shells after they step on the ones they left on the floor with their bare feet.

A study has linked a type of birth control pill to brain tumors. Although the tumors still don’t cause as many headaches compared to what can happen if the person stops taking the pills.

A study says that for career success, it is better to have a conscientious spouse. Although if you a choosing a spouse based on how they will help your career, the best bet is to just marry the boss’s daughter.

California health officials are warning people to stay away from Disneyland unless they have been vaccinated against measles. Which means in order to get inside the theme park, customers will end up getting stuck twice.

A study says that cheerful tweets on Twitter can indicate people with healthier hearts. Mostly because people who are angry get even more wound up that they can’t voice all their complaints in just 140 characters.

Elsa Mars, the woman who plays “The Fat Lady” on the series “American Horror Stories” says producers wanted her to be even bigger and make her wear a fat suit. Apparently the show’s budget just didn’t give them enough money to afford Kirstie Alley.

A report says that many celebrity women are getting tired about always being asked “What are you wearing” while on the red carpet. Which is still better than most other women who get that question asked mostly on 2:00 in the morning booty calls.

Elizabeth Olsen says she has ended her engagement. The rumors started when the Olsen Twin was seen in public without wearing her ring in its usual place. Around her waist.

Jon Gosselin says he is now working as a DJ in Pennsylvania. Which just shows the hardest part of being on a reality TV show is the part when you have to come back to reality.

Johnny Depp says that he is not “quirky” or “eccentric.” Mostly because he is actually downright crazy but is rich enough where no one cares.

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. How bad is it when Alec Baldwin agrees with what you are saying?

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. Of course, Baldwin agrees. If there is anyone who should speak out against the idea of people wanting to lie in wait to ambush you with a gun, it is Alec Baldwin.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Mostly because they were smart enough not to be caught when they deflated the team’s footballs.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Which was just considered a tip since it was about 20% of what the alumni association gave in payments to the players.

Madonna has thanked the FBI for arresting the hacker who released her songs on the Internet. Although the FBI admits they started investigated Madonna when they mistakenly thought they were told to look for a music hack.

A survey says that drivers for the ride sharing site Uber are happy. Especially the ones who got away with charging drunk New Year’s revelers more than $100 for driving them less than ten miles.

A study says that people do use calorie charts in restaurants. Mostly because at the cost of dining out these days, they want to make sure they are getting all the fat, sugar and salt they are paying for.

A new feature on Twitter helps people see tweets they may have missed. Which is good news for people who have actually had to put their phones down for five minutes and can catch up with the latest pictures of all their friends’ cats.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the weekend before the Super Bowl, which means that men all over the country are planning to get together with their friends to talk about the Super Bowl next week. It also means there will not be one flat screen TV available at Best Buy this weekend, but not to worry as they will all be returned and back on the sales floor the week after the game. As  warm weather fan I just can’t get excited about sports until spring training. That’s when baseball players get together to shake off the rust of the offseason and try to get back into form. Sort of like what I seem to do every day here with my jokes. Hope you all have a great weekend. Mine are always good, especially when you remember to send the love!

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