Thursday, January 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg appeared to have fallen asleep during President Obama’s State of the Union speech Tuesday. How bad is it for the President when she dozes off during his address but can somehow stay awake through the entire Supreme Court docket?

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Can You Believe We Used To Be A Respected News Organization?”

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Who Wants To Blitz The Wolf?”

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. The other four would, but haven’t seen an extra $500 since 2007.

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. To which those people are saying “Thanks for spoiling the birthday present.”

A report says that 7.2 Million Americans have a bank or credit card account they have hidden from their spouse. Or as the financial community calls people who hide money from their partners, “men.”

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Many feel there will be no penalties against the team. Which they are lucky that it is different than how other sports handle cheating, like when Tiger Woods was caught by his wife who caused him to crash his car after chasing him down with a 9 iron.

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Even President Obama in his State of the Union speech says that now that gas prices are low again people can stop inflating car tires and put that air in their footballs.

A report says that 35 of the world’s wealthiest 80 people are Americans. Which comes down to those being the only people who were smart enough not to try to flip a home using a subprime loan back in 2007.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. When you are in the delivery room and they hand you a scalpel in the middle of labor, that’s probably a good time to start looking for a new HMO.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. No one even knew Crocodile Dundee’s wife was pregnant.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that puts the man farthest from the window when his partner’s husband comes home early.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman a view of her partner’s cellphone to see who is leaving him text messages while they are in bed.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman’s hands to be close enough to a knife when her partner calls her the wrong name.

Nicolas Cage is set to star in a movie where he plays an ordinary guy looking for Osama bin Laden. It’s too bad the script didn’t call for the guy to be ordinary enough to read a newspaper once in awhile and see the bin Laden was killed back in 2011.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. Like some day when the researchers are asked what was the biggest waste of time in their career, they will remember this study.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. There are people who have the ability to bring back unpleasant memories at the most inopportune time. They are called “wives.”

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The only question is how could they tell?

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. Their legal strategy is to show a jury that the brain damage is so advanced, it is getting hard to find any difference between the wrestlers and the fans.

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The wrestlers will take the WWE executives to court and hope that the judge throws the chair at them.

The beard on King Tut’s burial mask was reattached improperly with epoxy after falling off during a cleaning. Apparently that will be the last time the Egyptian Museum will hire a crew from the cleaning company of Howard, Fine and Howard.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. And vice versa.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. The problem is that the biggest cause of illness is seeing how much your variable mortgage rate just went up.

A poll says 14% Americans see healthcare and low wages as the top financial problems. The other 86% say their biggest financial problems are health care and no wages.

A study says that less qualified applicants to law school end up paying more. Apparently the law schools figure they will charge those with the lowest test scores more since they won’t be smart enough to graduate and sue them later.

Microsoft says it will give away the Windows 10 operating system as a free upgrade. Which is good news for people who may finally get the chance to see their Windows Vista computers actually boot up.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. At least he got the second half of his wish.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. To which NBC is saying they had both until they gave Donald Trump a show.

Cheetos is introducing a new cinnamon and sugar snack called Sweetos. It was made for people who need something to snack on while they are doing laundry to get all the orange dye stains off the rest of their clothes.

A startup called SendMyBag is launching domestic U.S. service that will take luggage on trips from door to door. As opposed to U.S. airlines that also takes your luggage door to door, until they finally find the right house.

O’Hare International Airport in Chicago has reclaimed the title of the world’s busiest. It doesn’t have the most flights or passengers. It’s just that the restaurants and hotels there are busy trying to take care of all the people while they are waiting for their cancelled flights on United to be rescheduled.

United Airlines is expanding its domestic inflight catering, offering lobster to passengers in business class. While is different from the people flying coach who have to be satisfied with the person sitting next to them giving them the crabs.

Some airlines are cutting back on employee flight perks. Workers are becoming concerned that the airlines are starting to treat them almost as badly as if they were customers.

Toyota was once again the world’s auto sales champ, beating out Volkswagen and GM with 10.23 Million cars sold. GM sold 9.92 Million. Although sales results won’t be final until 9.1 Million of the GM cars get back from the shop for the latest recalls.

Microsoft has unveiled its wireless HoloLens, which allows people to see and interact with 3D images all around them. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “eyes.”

A Right-to-Die law has been proposed in California. Once it is passed, the only problem will be figuring out how to get the entire Kardashian family to exercise it.

A study says that e-cigarettes are full of formaldehyde. Which is good news for the people who die from smoking them who will already be more than halfway embalmed.

NKOTB, TLC and Nelly have announced a summer tour. Which is great news for anyone who wasn’t around to see them when they were relevant back in 1993.

Johnny Depp says he is “sickened” by actors who become musicians. Although he didn’t say what he thought of people like Paris Hilton who aren’t either but still make movies and records.

Forbes says the Lakers are the NBA’s most valuable franchise, with a net worth of $2.6 Billion. Although that number drops to $1.3 Billion if you don’t count Kobe Bryant’s jewelry collection.

A study says that early humans dined on animals we now call pets. In other words, the cradle of humanity goes back to ancient Korea.

A study says that chimpanzees chat with each other mostly about food, just like humans. They are so similar that they will also occasionally throw in a comment about how expensive it has become to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Netflix says it plans to be in 200 countries by 2016, including China. Who would have thought that one day the Chinese people when talking about the Great Wall would be referring to their flat screen TV?

The Commissioner of the IRS is warning of a possible shutdown later this year. Which was met with as much shock and disappointment as the eradication of Ebola.

Google says it wants to sell wireless service through Sprint and T-Mobile. To which Sprint is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Freedompop is launching an unlimited talk, text and data plan through Wi-Fi for $5 a month. Anyone using the service in Wyoming, Montana or North Dakota have a word for cellphones that operate off Wi-Fi. A “paperweight.”

Google, Facebook and Apple spent record amounts of money on lobbyists in 2014. It cost them a fortune to hire the best lobbyists in Washington, D.C. to try to explain the concept of the Internet to the 90% of congressmen who are over 80.

EBay says it will cut 7% of its workforce in the wake of its split with PayPal. The good news is they will give all their former employees a break on the fees they will be charged to sell all their stuff on eBay to try to get by while they are looking for work.

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal disappeared Wednesday with his office refusing to say where he went. Tabloid magazines are just hoping when he shows up the official reason he was gone was to go hike the Appalachian Trail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am off from my real job today and tomorrow, but don’t let that worry you. I will still be cranking out the jokes. The question most people have is how does someone who puts this stuff out even have a real job? To that I say if Lindsay Lohan can still find work anything is possible. Even though I will be enjoying my afternoon and evening off, don’t let that stop you from continuing to send the love!

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