Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama took an aggressive stance during last night’s State of the Union address. Republicans were so upset that no one was sure if Speaker John Boehner was angry or if he had just turned up the tanning bed two settings.

President Obama took an aggressive stance during last night’s State of the Union address. One side of the audience was standing and cheering wildly while the other side sat in silence. It was like being at the wedding between Elizabeth Taylor and Larry Fortensky.

A new cellphone app makes “invisible” boyfriends or girlfriends to show “proof” the user is in a relationship. Which they could actually have a chance of making a reality if they would put down their cellphone once in awhile.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. The other two thirds put the blame on Instagram, Pinterest and Google Plus.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. Not from meeting other people, but because they have gotten fat from eating all the meals they make to post pictures of online.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. The main problem is when men get confused and accidentally send out a romantic message to their own wife.

Researchers say they may soon be able to use X-Rays to read ancient scrolls that were scorched 2,000 years ago during the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Although conservative scientists are afraid they will just be political writings saying the approaching lava is a sign of global warming.

A study says that nearly half of all Japanese adults are not having sex. Mostly because when 127 Million people are crammed into an area the size of California, who can ever get any privacy?

A study says that even for active people, sitting for long periods can lead to a shorter life span. Although sitting for three hours or more at a time is really only a problem when it is in a booth at McDonald’s, Captain D’s or Taco Bell.

Netflix is planning to expand its streaming service to hotels. How lazy have we gotten that our vacation plans now center around which TV programs are available to watch?

The Mayor of Paris says she will sue Fox News for insulting the city’s image. To which the Democrats and President Obama are saying “You can do that?”

A sports agent in Chicago has been arrested in a fraud scheme to swindle his clients out of millions of dollars. Who does he think he is, some kind of sports agent?

Facebook says it is clamping down on fake news stories posted on the site. A spokesperson for the site says that fake news stories have their own place. On Fox News.

Facebook says it is clamping down on fake news stories posted on the site.The social media site wants fake posts limited to how happy, successful and wealthy people say they are in their posts.

A Georgia man was ticketed for eating a Quarter Pounder while driving. The worst part is that he was eating it while driving around looking for the nearest Burger King drive-thru.

A British man is being treated for being trapped in a “time warp” where he says he feels like he has previously experienced the events of each day. Either that or he needs to just stop watching the endless loop of cat videos posted on Youtube every day.

A British man is being treated for being trapped in a “time warp” where he says he feels like he has previously experienced the events of each day. Or as that is called in the U.S., middle class suburbia.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is planning a trip to London. He must be serious about running for President because it’s the last place anyone would book an international trip if they were going there just for the food.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is planning a trip to London. The only problem will be when he finds out he has been invited to a football game and he realizes it means he just agreed to watch three hours of soccer.

The tiger population in India has increased 30% in the past four years. The reasons are better awareness, protected areas and fatter and slower Indians.

Red Velvet Oreos will be reaching the shelves next month. Although for some reason the first shipments have all been exclusively directed to stores in Washington and Colorado.

The building that housed the world’s first Taco Bell in California is facing being torn down. Although there is a movement afoot to save it and turn it into a shelter for abandoned and unemployed chihuahuas.

The building that housed the world’s first Taco Bell in California is facing being torn down. At the very least it should be replaced by the same kind of business it is associated with. A gas station.

A report says that airlines are saving billions of dollars on fuel costs but will probably not lower their prices. Airlines spokespersons say that may happen right after they reduce their fees, widen their seats and improve customer service. Which is scheduled to happen right after the sun starts rising in the west.

Wal-Mart says it will cash tax refund checks in the hopes that people will spend the money in their stores. The only problem is finding any Wal-Mart customers who actually have an income that requires filing a tax return.

A report says that Peyton Manning has the most popular NFL jersey. Mostly from people who identify with him. Not for being an NFL quarterback, but in his Papa John’s commercials he also wears a football jersey while he works slinging pizzas.

A study says that walking on breaks with coworkers can make people feel better. Mostly because it’s harder for the boss to single anyone out to be laid off when they are always in a group setting.

An airline passenger who traveled through an Ebola infected country was hospitalized after landing in Newark, New Jersey. Other travelers were sympathetic towards the person. They would never wish on anyone traveling to be held over in Newark.

Pope Francis I says just because the Church has banned birth control doesn’t mean that Catholics have to “breed like rabbits.” Or he could just start approving contraception.

A study says that more than a third of seniors over 65 have fallen in the past two years. The other two thirds don’t have enough money in their estate to make it worthwhile for their kids to push them down the stairs.

A study says that a drink a day may lower the chances of middle aged people suffering from heart failure. Especially the ones who will have to cut back three or four drinks to make it down to one.

A survey says that half of the people in the world think they are overweight. The other half apparently don’t have access to a full-length mirror.

A survey says that half of the people in the world think they are overweight. The other half likes to say they are pleasantly plump, big boned or chunky.

A study says that drinking coffee daily may protect people from skin cancer. Especially the ones who sit in a coffee shop all day staring at their laptop and never getting out into the sunshine.

Sarah Palin slammed “Hollywood leftists” to defend military snipers after online remarks by Michael Moore and Seth Rogen about the movie “American Sniper.” Palin feels that firing guns from hidden locations protects other soldiers, makes combat safer for troops and puts moose meat on her table every night.

Peter Mayhew, who played the role of Chewbacca in “Star Wars” is reportedly suffering from pneumonia. Either that or he wouldn’t quit doing that Wookie growl during his annual physical.

One of Mark Wahlberg’s victims of racially motivated attacks in the 1980s says the actor shouldn’t be pardon as he is requesting. Most people feel that before he is pardoned for the crimes he needs to apologize. Not for the attacks, but his performance in “Rock Star.”

Justin Bieber is set to be roasted on Comedy Central. Although when referring to Bieber, instead of being roasted it should be called getting hard boiled.

Justin Bieber is set to be roasted on Comedy Central. Network executives are just hoping that there will be enough time for the comedians to come up with some material to slam Bieber.

Major League Baseball is planning to shorten the amount of time pitchers have to get ready between innings. That’s so that at Cubs games the playing time actually last longer than the warm up.

Golfer Dustin Johnson says that cocaine was not the “personal challenge” that kept him off the PGA Tour much of last year. Which is fueling speculation that he has been dating Elin Nordegren and has been in hiding after she caught him cheating.

The NFL is planning to use narrower goal posts along with longer extra points in the Pro Bowl. It’s the most exciting idea for the Pro Bowl since some of the players started playing “quarters” on the sidelines between possessions.

The NFL is planning to use narrower goal posts along with longer extra points in the Pro Bowl. Which puts even more pressure on the kickers since they are the only players who actually put more than a 50% effort into the game.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that the unemployment rate for IT workers is down to 2.5%. Mostly since the 500,000 out of work web programmers were hired by the government to try to keep the Obamacare website from going more than a few minutes between crashes.

The U.S. government has settled with a New York woman for $134,000 for using her personal information for a fake Facebook account. The only question is why didn’t they just use one of the half billion fake Facebook pages that make up for half the friend requests that are out there for free?

Facebook says it has boosted the global economy and labor force. Mostly from all the money being spent by women on private investigators to see who their husbands are talking with on Facebook.

Facebook says it has boosted the global economy and labor force. For instance, there have been millions of people who have a renewed interest in finding a new job ever since they got fired for being on Facebook all day at work.

A report says the most common password in 2014 was “123456.” But only because the passwords require six digits, otherwise they would just use their preferred password choice of “1.”

The NFL says that 11 of the 12 footballs used by the New England Patriots in last week’s playoff win over the Indianapolis Colts were partially deflated and weighed less than the required 14 to15 ounces. Tom Brady says he had no idea since the balls still weighed more than his super model wife.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama got great review for his State of the Union address. Mostly because no Republicans watched it. It was full of inflated accomplishments and empty promises. And he said he had no more campaigns to run. Apparently he was just trying to stay in practice. Of course, I practice writing jokes every day. To which people are asking when am I going to stop practicing and try for real. I’m getting there. All I need from you is to remember to make sure to keep sending the love!

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