Friday, January 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A teenager has opened a pawn shop in New York City that takes high end athletic shoes as collateral. The sad part is that people are pawning their current sneakers to get money to buy the latest edition of Air Jordans.

Billionaire Carlos Slim has become the largest investor in the New York Times. Apparently he is determined to have the world know him as Millionaire Carlos Slim.

Lithuania has printed a manual telling its citizens how to survive an invasion from Russia. Apparently it was an old manual already in print that was found by the nation’s leaders. The only change they had to make was translating it from French.

Lithuania has printed a manual telling its citizens how to survive an invasion from Russia. It pretty much tells them to just wait it out for about ten minutes until the Lithuanian Army has officially surrendered.

An analysis says the average life expectancy for the next generation will be close to 100. Which is good news since the way the economy is going, by then that will give them about five years to enjoy their retirement.

New apps allow people to book trips to the ER with their smartphone. Which is ironic, especially for people who need to go to the ER because they crashed into a tree while they were texting behind the wheel.

Pope Francis I says that free speech has limits. Which is quite an understatement coming from the person leading the church that carried out the Inquisition.

Pope Francis I says that free speech has limits. Which is why the Church has been trying to keep their altar boys from talking to authorities for years.

New York legislators may try to pass a Death With Dignity law this month. Which won’t mean anything for most elderly New Yorkers unless they pass the same measure down in Florida.

Southwest Airlines has been fined a record $1.6 Million by the FAA for letting their planes sit too long on the Tarmac. Not only that, they could face a lawsuit for copyright violation from JetBlue.

A study says the environment and germs are more of an influence on a person’s immune system than their genes. Which is why there could be an outbreak of Ebola and the Plague and Paris Hilton wouldn’t even develop a case of the sniffles.

A study says the environment and germs are more of an influence on a person’s immune system than their genes. Which means if their was a nuclear war, the two species most likely to survive are cockroaches and residents of New Jersey.

The CDC says this year’s flu shot is only 23% effective. Or as the vaccine manufacturers would prefer to say it, this year’s flu is 77% effective.

The CDC says this year’s flu shot is only 23% effective. Or as GM calls a product with a success rate of 23%, an engineering breakthrough.

Darrell Winfield, called the real Marlboro Man has died at age 85. Funeral arrangements are pending until it is decided on if he will be buried in a pack or box.

A study says the Earth may be less safe for humans in the near future. Mostly from all the generations where the Earth was less safe from humans.

A study says the Earth may be less safe for humans in the near future. Which will be different than it has been up to this point where it was mostly humans have been less safe from other humans.

A typographical error on rugs ordered by a Florida sheriff’s department read “In Dog We Trust.” Which brought a laugh when arrested suspects were brought into the office to be read their Rimanda Rights.

A federal study says there is no effective alternative to the government’s bulk collection of citizens’ cellphone data. Other than actually picking up and actually reading all the way through that thing called the Constitution.

A Mormon man who runs a website with forums for church members questioning their faith says he is going to be excommunicated. Which apparently is what happens to members whose faith is questioned by the Church.

A survey says the percentage of Americans who say the top U.S. problem is jobs is at a 6 year low. Mostly from the people who have just given up after being out of work the past six years.

A report says that mobile malware was up 75% in 2014. Although that was mostly for people who used their cellphones to make payments on their Target account.

The owner of a dry cleaning store in Menlo Park, California has been arrested for defrauding customers out of $678,000. When those people went to the cleaners, they were really taken to the cleaners.

The owner of a dry cleaning store in Menlo Park, California has been arrested for defrauding customers out of $678,000. Authorities became suspicious after wondering how a dry cleaner could make $678,000 in a city where no one wears anything but Polo shirts and khaki pants.

The American Society of Magazine Editors has announced its Award finalists for 2015. The winners will give the magazines they work for the prestige they need that could result in them doubling the number of people subscribing to their publications to 12.

The American Society of Magazine Editors has announced its Award finalists for 2015. The worst part for the winners is that when the results are listed in Readers’ Digest, they always just put in their initials.

Anheuser-Busch has launched an at-home beer delivery service in Washington, D.C. The only problem is waking up the next morning and having to shovel off all the Clydesdale droppings in your front yard.

Anheuser-Busch has launched an at-home beer delivery service in Washington, D.C.The service won’t be available on Capitol Hill or K Street since no members of Congress or lobbyists would be caught dead drinking anything other than champagne, vintage wines or rare Cognac.

The IRS Commissioner is telling taxpayers to call their help lines only “as a last resort.” To which most Americans are telling the IRS to expect any of them to have any income to tax as a last resort.

The IRS Commissioner is telling taxpayers to call their help lines only “as a last resort.” Which is no problem for most Americans who would rather take financial guidance from Bernie Madoff than the IRS.

A report says that RadioShack is trying to sell several thousand of it stores to Sprint. Sprint is said to be interested in buying the stores but the only snag is that RadioShack keeps asking them if they would also like to buy some batteries.

A survey says the number of Americans experiencing financial distress from their medical bills is dropping. Mostly because they are now more in financial distress from college tuition, mortgage payments and holiday shopping.

A study says that limiting eating to a 12 hour window makes it easier to keep from gaining weight. Except for those people who means they get to actually eat during that entire 12 hours.

A study says that limiting eating to a 12 hour window makes it easier to keep from gaining weight. The only thing getting in the way is the temptation from the 24 hour drive-thru window at McDonald’s.

A study says that a person’s blood type can increase their chance for heart disease. There is a higher risk for people with type A, B and AB, but the way to tell if you are really in danger is when your blood has approximately the same viscosity as maple syrup.

A blood test is available for $99 that gives people a clue to their longevity by revealing their “biological age.” Although anyone who forks over $99 for a blood test can pretty much consider themselves to be born yesterday.

A study says a lack of exercise is twice as deadly as being obese. Of course it’s worse when people are obese because the only exercise they get is walking back and forth from the couch to the refrigerator.

A study says that being around strangers causes stress that makes it harder to feel others’ pain. Which anyone who has ever been through enhanced interrogation by the CIA will say “Tell me about it.”

A report says that health premiums in Alaska are three times higher than they are in Arizona. Mostly because you are three times more likely to be gunned down in Alaska by getting mistaken for a moose by Sarah Palin.

An assemblywoman in New York is pushing a bill to make declawing cats illegal. She says the reasons for the legislation are that it is painful to the cats, unnatural and that her husband owns a furniture store.

An assemblywoman in New York is pushing a bill to make declawing cats illegal. She is asking why the state legislature is the only place where everyone always has their claws out.

The CDC says the U.S. birth rate remained at an all-time low in 2013. People who want to see the birth rate go up have only one solution. Someone needs to fix up the Octomom with Kevin Federline.

A survey says that women who used social media frequently to connect with friends and family feel less stress. Mostly because the rest of the day they are stuck at home trying to figure out what besides football they can talk to their husband about.

A survey says that women who used social media frequently to connect with friends and family feel less stress than men. Especially because the men are stressed out their wives will find out who they have been exchanging messages with on Facebook.

Rosie Perez says she is leaving “The View” after cohosting for four months. Apparently she feels her work there was done once she was finally able to get a word in edgewise.

Bethenny Frankel is set to launch a strain of pot called “Skinny Girl marijuana” that reportedly doesn’t give users the munchies. It’s for women who like to stay high and thin at the same time without having to go through all the trouble to constantly try to score more diet pills, meth or heroin.

Lowell W. Paxson, the man who started the Home Shopping Network has died at age 79. He made it possible for people to shop without leaving their couch. Which means callers were encouraged to order any items two sizes larger.

Lowell W. Paxson, the man who started the Home Shopping Network has died at age 79. The family has announced that front row pews for the funeral are still available for anyone calling in the next ten minutes.

Beyonce is reportedly catching up to Kim Kardashian as the person with the most followers on Instagram. Which is pretty good for someone who can actually do something else besides mug for the camera.

Bruce Jenner is being photoshopped as a woman along with a declaration he is coming out as transgender on the latest cover of In Touch magazine. If nothing else, it was the first time the words “in touch” have ever been used along with someone associated with the Kardashians.

Muhammad Ali has been hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. “The Greatest” can still float like a butterfly, but now it stings when he pees.

The coach of a California high school girls basketball team has been suspended after his team won a game 161-2. Parents were furious. How could he allow the other team to spoil their chance at a shutout?

RadioShack stock plunged after reports of their impending bankruptcy. Financial experts were surprised. People still own stock in RadioShack?

RadioShack stock plunged after reports of their impending bankruptcy. Financial experts were confused. Someone was actually surprised by RadioShack going bankrupt?

A website called Hacker’s List offers hackers for hire to do people’s online dirty work. Although if anyone wants to make someone’s online experience full of constant misery all they need to do is buy them a computer that is operated by Windows Vista.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Isn’t the Internet great? Just push a few buttons and you get dozens of the funniest jokes you will ever read. Then there is this blog you can also get into. At least I give it a try. I guarantee there are dozens of jokes that are mostly grammatically correct. Which is important as any mother will tell you. And all I ever ask in return is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!

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