Thursday, January 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The company that owns Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas has filed for bankruptcy. The owners are asking the judge if they can take all their liabilities and go double or nothing.

The company that owns Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas has filed for bankruptcy. The gambling part of the casino is still making money, but apparently you should never take on vacationing Americans with the offer of a cheap buffet.

A report says that Atlantic City casinos lost half of their annual revenue over the past eight years. To which working the government, a lot of businesses and most working Americans are saying “Join the club.”

U.S. astronauts aboard the International Space Station had to move to the Russian sector after fears of a toxic leak. It was completely unexpected to have a toxic leak as there weren’t even any astronauts on the ISS from China.

U.S. astronauts aboard the International Space Station had to move to the Russian sector after fears of a toxic leak. The only problem is that no one has heard back from our astronauts after they discovered that Tang can be mixed with vodka.

The FBI says a bartender at a country club where John Boehner is a member was planning to poison the House Speaker. Apparently he was going to do it gradually by putting increasing amounts of Coppertone QT into all of his drinks.

West Hollywood, California has passed a law requiring all single stall restrooms to be gender neutral. Pretty much like everyone in West Hollywood.

A Wisconsin bull has died after siring an estimated half million offspring. It broke the old record held by Kevin Federline.

A Wisconsin bull has died after siring an estimated half million offspring. Which finally explains the reason the inspiration behind the naming of the Chicago NBA team.

A woman just reported her son missing following his disappearance after going to a Grateful Dead concert in 1995. The reason it took so long was she apparently got into his stash the day after he left and finally just came down.

54 people have been arrested in France for “hate speech.” Although in Paris, it can be considered hate speech if you say “Bonjour” to the wrong person.

The U.S. Senate is set to vote on an amendment to a bill asking if they agree that climate change is happening. The vote will come right after measures proclaiming the Sun revolves around the Earth, the universe is 5,000 years old and the world is flat.

A robot has been programmed to be an exercise coach for as many as 40 seniors at a time. Apparently the robot keeps them busy for the first hour by saying “Get up out of your chair.”

A marijuana based spray that promises to help women have better sex will soon be sold in Colorado. The only problem is that after sex, instead of wanting to smoke a cigarette it makes them crave an entire box of Oreos.

A marijuana based spray that promises to help women have better sex will soon be sold in Colorado. The scent also works as a perfume, as long as women don’t mind only attracting Domino’s delivery men.

A Canadian court has banned a polygamous group from using the name of the Mormon Church. The Mormons’ argued that a polygamous group calling themselves Mormons is like someone selling sugary soft drinks and calling itself Coca-Cola.

An anonymous taxi passenger in Philadelphia tipped a cabbie nearly $1,000 on a fare of $4.31. People were shocked. You can take a cab somewhere in Philadelphia for under five dollars?

A survey of Wall Street finance professionals hiring MBAs says the most important feature they look for is communication skills. Especially the ones who are best able to place the blame for the economic meltdown on the government and not the banks.

The Brooklyn Nets are up for sale and the team that lost $144 Million last year could go for as much as $1 Billion. Even Time Warner says they would buy out AOL again before getting mixed up in this disaster.

Bitcoin plunged 22% this week, causing concern about the stability of the cryptocurrency. Although no one will be sure about its value until someone is actually able to find a business that will actually allow them to make a payment with Bitcoin.

Bitcoin plunged 22% this week, causing concern about the stability of the cryptocurrency. It is called a cryptocurrency because anyone who invests in the tender will find their economic future going straight to the graveyard.

A report says that Americans saved $13 Billion on gasoline with lower prices at the pump over the holiday season. Which came in handy when they needed extra cash to pay for their medical bills from injuries sustained while shopping during Black Friday rioting.

A report says that budget cuts at the IRS have caused a “devastating erosion” of services to taxpayers. People are now having to be put on hold several hours on the IRS hotline before an agent is available to try to extort their money, guarantee financial ruin and threaten time in prison.

A report says that budget cuts at the IRS have caused a “devastating erosion” of services to taxpayers. If Congress is threatening to hold back their funding, why don’t they treat them like the rest of us and just seize the Capitol Building?

The Federal Reserve says the economy is moving along at a “moderate” growth. Which apparently is just a little better than “cautious” but not quite as good as “tolerable” or “middling.”

A report says the average American will pay $280,000 in interest during their lifetime. And that’s for just carrying a balance of $500 for a couple of years on their MasterCard.

A report says the average American will pay $280,000 in interest during their lifetime. Although many people who used subprime loans for their mortgage saved a fortune on interest by just being foreclosed on after a few months.

GM set a record for global sales last year, coming in just behind Volkswagen. Apparently GM was able to sell so many cars because they just counted it as a new deal each time a buyer had to bring their vehicle back in for the latest recall.

A study says that retirement can lead to depression and purposelessness which can promote alcohol and substance abuse. Which most retirees will say still beats having to go into the office every day.

A study says that retirement can lead to depression and purposelessness which can promote alcohol and substance abuse. Especially for people who realize they had to work all the way until they were 90 to have enough money to retire.

A study says the scent of lavender can bring about a feeling of trust in others. As opposed to wearing “The Key” cologne by Justin Bieber and having everyone think you might be getting ready to egg their house.

A study says that seeing people who are cold can be contagious and make others feel cold themselves. But then you can’t help but feel cold when you see the morons rooting for the Green Bay Packers with no shirts and just body paint at Lambeau Field in the middle of a January blizzard.

A study says people who work long hours tend to drink more alcohol. Mostly because now that they are working longer hours and are making some overtime pay, they can finally afford to buy more booze.

A study says that taking a 20 minute daily walk can cut the risk of early death. Unless the walk happens to be on the streets of Manhattan during rush hour.

A study says that scheduling recess after lunch makes it more likely that kids will eat more fruits and vegetables. Although it is tough on bullies who find that recess is the most convenient time for them to schedule taking all their classmates’ lunch money.

A study says that a drug used for ADHD may be an effective treatment for binge eating. Especially for people who have such a short attention span they go back to order more food because they forgot they just ate lunch.

A change in government policy is expected to help first time home buyers. Mostly because first time home buyers are the only ones who haven’t had their credit ratings ruined yet by going through foreclosure.

A study says that certain mood changes including irritability, depression and anxiety can signal the early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because people become irritated when they lose their car keys, depressed when they can’t find their house and anxious when they can’t remember their name.

The FDA has approved a new pacemaker that controls the appetite to fight obesity. Which can come as a matching set with the other pacemaker they will need when they get obese enough to eventually develop heart failure.

The FDA has approved a new pacemaker that controls the appetite to fight obesity. The device gives shocks to the stomach to make the person feel full. Or they could just try putting a set of smaller dishes in their home.

The CDC says hospital infection rates are declining. Mostly because anyone with a low paying job and no health insurance can’t even get past the front doors of most hospitals anymore.

Taylor Swift sent a fan nearly $2,000 to help pay her student loans. That’s good news for the fan who will be able to pay off her tuition loans a month earlier than she thought which will be right before she turns 58.

Snoop Dogg has become a grandfather for the first time at age 43. His grandson is said to already be growing like a weed.

Snoop Dogg has become a grandfather for the first time at age 43. Anyone thinking 43 is young to become a grandfather has to remember that in the rap world, anyone making it to 25 is considered a senior citizen.

America Ferrera is hinting that there could be a third “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie. Hollywood insiders were surprised. They made a second “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie?”

America Ferrera is hinting that there could be a third “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie. Which is not to be confused with an upcoming documentary about Hillary Clinton’s Presidential campaign called “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.”

The Lakers say that Kobe Bryant may shut down for the season if the team is out of playoff contention in March. Which is fairly likely considering the team was pretty much taken out of the running for the post season after their first eight games.

The Oakland Raiders have hired Jack Del Rio as their new head coach. The sad part is that the team is hoping the Raiders can elevate themselves to the former glory that Del Rio achieved with his nine years of coaching the Jacksonville Jaguars.

A Japanese mathematician says he has solved a complex problem but that no one can understand his solution. Mostly because the only people considered math whizzes anymore are the ones who can successfully work out a Rubik’s Cube.

President Obama proposed a plan to bring high speed and inexpensive Internet to the entire country. The speech was made in Cedar City, Iowa where the Internet speed is 100 times faster than most other places. Which will be really big news when the city finally gets its first computer sometime in 2017.

President Obama proposed a plan to bring high speed and inexpensive Internet to the entire country. The speech was made in Cedar City, Iowa where the Internet speed is 100 times faster than most other places. Now people there can use the lightning speed of the Internet to go to Facebook and post their latest clothing designs for scarecrows.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yes, the Raiders have a new coach. Same old team, same dilapidated stadium, same crumbling home city. But a new coach! Who knows, maybe he can inspire the team to win four games next year. At least Raiders fans like myself don’t have the anxiety, stress and worries of other teams that are actually in the playoffs. We get to watch the other fans freak out over their teams while we pretty much know we can relax once we are a couple of games into the season. So while winning a few more games next year would be nice, all I really ever ask for is for all of you to remember once in awhile to send the love!

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