Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie used his State of the State address to tackle what he calls a “culture of divisiveness and distrust” in the country. Not to mention the divisiveness and distrust that the people of New Jersey have from watching their Governor spend the past two weeks in Dallas and Green Bay rooting for the Cowboys.

A study says that fewer than half the children in the U.S. grow up in a home with their mom and dad. Not because of divorce, but because researchers don’t count living in a car as a “home.”

A study says that Wi-Fi exposure is more dangerous to children than previously thought. Mostly because whenever there is an available Wi-Fi signal, their parents immediately ignore the kids and just give all their attention to their iPad, iPhone or laptop.

A survey says the most narcissistic social media users are in California. Mostly just people posting selfies showing everyone else they have enough money to live in California.

A survey says the most humble social media users are in Utah. Although that could change just as soon as the people of Utah get access to the Internet.

A survey says the most humble social media users are in Utah. Mostly because it’s hard to be selfish with all the photo space on Facebook when you have to share it with your five wives.

A reality series about the International Space Station is in the works. Although it might be hard to get an audience to sit through a show where the astronauts just keep asking if there is anything to drink besides Tang.

A reality series about the International Space Station is in the works. Viewers are hoping there will be a crossover episode with “The Kardashians” where they put Kanye West in orbit a few thousand miles above the planet for a couple of years.

A beauty queen in Ecuador has died after going through a liposuction procedure that was a pageant prize. Isn’t the whole point of a beauty pageant to find someone who doesn’t need to have cosmetic surgery?

A beauty queen in Ecuador has died after going through a liposuction procedure that was a pageant prize. Apparently pageant organizers arranged the prize after she won the talent competition by taking first place in a pie eating contest.

A beauty queen in Ecuador has died after going through a liposuction procedure that was a pageant prize. U.S. beauty contestants were shocked. Why didn’t she hold out first for a nose job, tummy tuck and breast implants?

Verizon is planning to offer a wireless car service that lets drivers of older cars get help during a breakdown or find out about repairs and maintenance that is needed. Apparently it’s for people who haven’t heard about this new technology called “the cellphone.”

A restaurant in China is offering free food to beautiful people. In the U.S., KFC made the  same offer years ago but has yet to actually find any winners.

A restaurant in China is offering free food to beautiful people. The worst part is, if you have to pay for your food there you are still ugly an hour later.

A restaurant in China is offering free food to beautiful people. It’s the only restaurant where the more people are charged, the less they tip.

A restaurant in China is offering free food to beautiful people. Their policy is if you are a ten, you get egg roll.

Apple has been granted a patent for technology that will allow people to control electronic gadgets with hand gestures. They got the idea after seeing people constantly giving hand gestures to their computers that operate on Windows.

A morality group says that the R rating for the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” is too soft because it promotes torture as sexually gratifying. Which explains why enhanced interrogation didn’t work for the CIA, because the terrorists were getting too much of a thrill out of being waterboarded.

Police in riot gear sprayed tear gas at crowds at Ohio State University who were celebrating after their football team won the National Championship. In fact, the only people brought to tears without any chemicals were those who made the mistake of betting on Oregon.

Neiman Marcus has introduced a digital mirror that allows people to try on clothes with a 360 degree view. Although if you are so large that you need a full panoramic view to see your backside, you should probably be shopping in the plus size section at Wal-Mart.

Microsoft says it will use Kinnect hardware to let retailers recognize shoppers and offer them tailored suggestions. The first suggestion from the new technology was to get someone to tell Bill Gates his haircut doesn’t look any better today than it did in 1975.

A report says that Mitt Romney is likely to run for the White House in 2016. He will start working on that just as soon as he is done figuring out a strategy for his run in 2020.

A couple who walked down the aisle together as ring bearer and flower girl did so again as bride and groom nearly 20 years later. Women were amazed that it only took the bride that long to get a man to commit.

A Connecticut woman has been committed to a psychiatric hospital after torturing her mother. Although the CIA does say she has potential since her technique worked to get her mother to admit she belongs to al Queda.

A middle school principal in Alabama is proposing stockpiling canned food for children to throw at intruders. The plan was devised after the previous strategy calling for students to bite any attackers failed after they realized they were in Alabama.

A middle school principal in Alabama is proposing stockpiling canned food for children to throw at intruders. Just imagine how much damage a can of corn would do to an attacker when thrown by a 19 year old 7th grader.

A man fell off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship off the coast of Mexico and was rescued by a passing Disney cruise ship. Fortunately, they were near Cuba so Disney already had a planned activity to rescue him called “Ariel’s boatlift.”

A man fell off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship off the coast of Mexico and was rescued by a passing Disney cruise ship. The only problem is that after five minutes of listening to Disney show tunes, he jumped back overboard and asked if there was a Carnival cruise ship passing by any time soon.

U.S. News and World Report says the best job in America is being a dentist. Seriously? Do they realize that isn’t a job? Hey, where do I go to apply to be one of them dentists?

U.S. News and World Report says the best job in America is being a dentist. If they are going that route, how about CEO of a Fortune 500 company or maybe President of the United States?

Coors says it will soon be offering a gluten free beer. As opposed to their other beers which are only free of alcohol and taste.

Woody Allen has signed a deal to create a TV show exclusively for Amazon. There has been no word on what the show is about, but by hiring Allen they have tipped their hand they are trying to get into some children’s programming.

A report says that half of all home buyers don’t shop around for a mortgage. Mostly because they are more interested in which lender will be the easiest to deal with during the foreclosure.

The College Football Playoff Championship game brought the highest ratings in cable history. Which means the producers of “The Kardashians” will try to beat it with one of their upcoming episodes showing Kim baring her backside.

Donald Trump is suing a Palm Beach, Florida airport for $100 Million for rerouting air traffic over his nearby resort. Apparently the pilots find it easier to determine the wind direction and speed by looking at which way Trump combs his hair over.


U.S. job openings have hit a 14 year high. Which is good news for the people who can finally reapply for the job they lost back in 2001.

A report says that overdose deaths rose in 2013. Which is just more ammunition for those against Obamacare, who will say that if we didn’t give people prescription insurance so they could get medication, they wouldn’t have the chance to take too much.

Scientists say that soon there will be a universal flu shot. Which will be great if there is ever such a thing as the universal flu.

Scientists say that soon there will be a universal flu shot which could last for up to 20 years. Which is great news to anyone who is tired of having their mother constantly call to make sure they wear a sweater when they go out so they won’t catch something.

A study says the U.S. is no longer the world leader in medical research because of a lack of funding. Mostly because pharmaceutical companies see that it is much more advantageous to donate the money to political campaigns to elect people who will stop any competition that will lower their prices.

A study says that turning down the thermostat can help people lose weight. Which is ironic in that most people’s weight gain comes from the coldest places in the house. The refrigerator and freezer.

A study says that turning down the thermostat can help people lose weight. Although keeping the thermostat up in the winter can help people lose weight as they won’t have any money left over for food once they finish paying their heating bill.

A study says that naps may help babies retain memories. As opposed to the memories they keep when they don’t nap of their mothers crying uncontrollably while screaming “Can’t I have just five minutes to myself?”

A furniture store in Ohio lost $1.5 Million in a promotion that gave money back to customers if Ohio State won the National Championship game. Ironically, most of the furniture bought during the promotion was couches that were set on fire by students celebrating the win.

The Brooklyn Nets ownership says the team is for sale after losing $144 Million last year. Who’s running that team, Congress?

The Brooklyn Nets ownership says the team is for sale after losing $144 Million last year. Apparently no one told the Russian owner it is customary to charge a gate admission at NBA games.

A Hong Kong man was arrested in China for trying to smuggle in 94 iPhones taped to his body. Authorities were tipped off when he accidentally posted selfies of every square inch of his body on his Facebook account.

An app allows users to take selfies and use virtual stickers to make themselves up to look like KISS. Because who doesn’t want to look like 60 year old men who still parade around wearing Spandex and stage makeup?

An app allows users to take selfies and use virtual stickers to make themselves up to look like KISS. Which is just unfortunate that this app would have actually been in demand if there were smartphones back in 1975.

A company made a 3D printed car at the Detroit Auto Show. The only problem with cars coming out of a printer is that instead of a traffic jam, the biggest concern is having a paper jam.

Twitter has filed a lawsuit against the government over free speech and the right to publish government requests from tech companies. The only problem is that to put all the information out to the public 140 characters at a time, someone will have to make about 15,000 tweets.

A survey says that small business confidence is at an 8 year high. Mostly because if a small business has made it through the past 8 years, they know they can pretty much get through anything.

A federal review blames a lack of resources and planning for the failed $1.3 Billion iPad initiative by the L.A. Unified School District. Administrators thought that aside from not having the money or a plan, what could have possibly gone wrong?

A federal review blames a lack of resources and planning for the failed $1.3 Billion iPad initiative by the L.A. Unified School District. Although there is one success to the program. There is no question that L.A. students will take home the trophy if there is ever a national “Angry Birds” competition.

GM says it wold consider the possibility of partnering with Google to build self-driving cars. The best part is that the owner could sit at home while the car could just take itself right back to the dealership anytime there is another recall.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the college football season is over, and the pros are in the playoffs. Which means the Raiders were technically done about 12 weeks ago. But, soon it will be time for the Super Bowl which will then signal the start of baseball season. In other words, I am sick of the cold weather already. But as you know, it always gives me a warm feeling inside when you all remember to send the love!

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