Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that men who post selfies online tend to exhibit narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies. In other words, they behave like men.

A study says that men who post selfies online tend to exhibit narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies. They should be more like everyone else, who uses social media to post pictures of what they just ate for breakfast.

The family of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is embroiled in a dispute over ownership of his Nobel Prize and personal Bible. It’s getting so bad that the only person who could solve that conflict would win the Nobel Peace Prize for walking on water.

A study says a high fiber diet is linked to a lower risk of death. Mostly because what harm can come to you while you are spending all your time in the bathroom?

A study says that many people suffer separation anxiety when they are without their iPhone. Researchers say that without their cellphones, people suffer a loss of self. Or even worse, a loss of being able to post their selfies.

A study says that many people suffer separation anxiety when they are without their iPhone. Especially men who fear they may have left their cellphone where their wife can see who they have been texting with and will soon be separated.

A former football player from the University of South Dakota has been sentenced to five years in prison for a scheme to defraud the IRS out of $400,000. It was the biggest football associated attempt to scam the IRS since the NFL was able to declare itself a non-profit organization.

A former football player from the University of South Dakota has been sentenced to five years in prison for a scheme to defraud the IRS out of $400,000. Apparently he forgot to report the salary and gifts he made while playing football there.

An “experimental” U.S. penny from 1792 has sold at auction for $2.6 Million. I guess all those old people are right when they tell us their money used to be worth a lot more.

A report says that using smartphones too much can cause droopy jowls and wrinkled “tech neck.” The good news is that becoming less physically attractive is the only way to stop people from posting all their selfies.

President Obama is calling for stronger data privacy laws. For one thing, he is getting tired of everyone always finding out how much it cost taxpayers when he goes on vacation.

Fidel Castro wrote a letter to soccer legend Diego Maradona to prove he is still alive. People were surprised to hear about it. They had no idea that Maradona was still alive.

Microsoft lashed out at Google for revealing a flaw in Windows before they had time to fix it. Apparently Microsoft was upset that they were that close to getting Windows 95 to finally work right.

A report by economists says that job security for government workers has dropped in the past few years. The only problem is that we keep rehiring all the government workers who need to be let go. All the members of Congress.

A report says that arts and culture adds $700 Billion to the economy. Mostly from conservative groups donating money to eliminate anything that has to do with art or culture.

A report says that arts and culture adds $700 Billion to the economy. Mostly because arts and culture are code words by the wealthy for porn.

A report says that arts and culture adds $700 Billion to the economy. Which is a drop in the bucket compared to how much money the opposite of arts and culture, reality TV, country music and NASCAR bring in every year.

New apps turn iPhones into mobile urine tests. Which means it may finally not be a complete loss when you drop your smartphone in the toilet.

The CEO of Family Dollar is telling stockholders to accept a takeover bid from Dollar Tree even though it is less than the offer from Dollar General. At least they are all still a little more than the offer from the 99 Cent Store.

The CEO of Family Dollar is telling stockholders to accept a takeover bid from Dollar Tree even though it is less than the offer from Dollar General. Apparently the CEO just feels the company is due for some change.

A Saudi Prince says that oil will never return to $100 a barrel. Which could save Americans billions of dollars in buying gasoline, heating oil and paying for the next military invasion of the Middle East.

A Saudi Prince says that oil will never return to $100 a barrel. Which is bringing tears to the eyes of oil company executives who were praying back in 2008 that oil would never return to $100 a barrel.

Volvo will become the first company to export cars made in China to the U.S. Which will be good in the fact that for once we will be buying goods from China that weren’t made from jobs outsourced from the U.S.

A study in the Journal of the AMA says that the U.S. overtreats diabetes. Which is different from how most people develop type 2 diabetes, from overeating treats.

A study says that 20% of American moms wear their daughters’ clothes. Mostly when their teenage daughters get knocked up and they can fit into their larger maternity dresses.

A study says that 20% of American moms wear their daughters’ clothes. Especially when they wear the same size and they share closet space when the daughters are 40 years old and still live at home.

United Airlines says it may outsource 2,000 airport jobs. Why have a couple thousand people sitting around at the airport for a bunch of flights that are perpetually delayed or cancelled?

A study says that Facebook “likes” can be used to predict a person’s personality. Mostly the ones who have no personality because they are on Facebook all day “liking” all their friends’ posts.

American and United Airlines were targets of an attempt to steal customers’ miles. The joke was on the hackers, though as American and United don’t complete enough flights for their customers to ever rack up any miles in the first place.

A study says an optimistic outlook is good for the heart. Especially when your heart is in good shape and you don’t have to worry about how to pay the next bill from the cardiologist.

A study says that the Head Start program helps reduce childhood obesity. Mostly because it gets kids into the classroom earlier so they don’t have time to sit around the house all day and discover video games.

The World Bank says that Ebola is ruining the economies of Liberia and Sierra Leone. The economies of both countries have not been so thoroughly decimated since someone passed a bad check at the supermarket for $25.

A report says that more young women are using natural family planning as their method of birth control. They say if it weren’t for that technique, they would probably already have six kids instead of just being pregnant with their fifth.

A report says that more young women are using natural family planning as their method of birth control. Apparently they are following the endorsement of the last person to use that technique. The Octomom.

A study says that dwelling on a breakup may lead to a speedier emotional recovery. Unless you keep wondering what it would be like if you still had your house, car and bank account.

An op-ed column in the New York Times says that annual physical exams are “worthless.” Which is ironic coming from the New York Times which has already been recommended to be placed in a hospice.

69 people in Mozambique have died after drinking beer contaminated with crocodile bile. Which apparently is what happens in a foreign country when the bartender doesn’t understand what people mean when they ask for a Gatorade.

A study says that teens may think that light smoking is safe. Which sounds about right since teens also think that playing Wii Tennis for two hours is a pretty good aerobic workout.

A new form of e-cigarette called the JuJu Joint allows people to electronically smoke marijuana. Which means someone could make a fortune by inventing a gadget that allows them to electronically eat a pizza.

A study says that 10% of all patients who are prescribed aspirin for their hearts don’t need it. The other 90% of heart patients do need the aspirin for the headache they get after trying to figure out how they are going to pay their cardiologist bill.

Selena Gomez was spotted holding hands with DJ Zedd at a Golden Globes party. The report means that Gomez has moved on with her life, she is meeting new people and Zedd will be spending the next three months cleaning egg off his house.

“The Bachelor” contestant Ashley Iaconetti says she is a virgin who has not even ever had a boyfriend. Which means the show’s hopefuls consist of 29 bachelorettes and one spinster.

NASCAR driver Kurt Busch says his ex-girlfriend is a “trained assassin.” Which means it would have been a much more compatible relationship if she had been instead introduced to Tony Stewart.

A Greek historian says that Homer was not a person but a legend whom many works were attributed to. Which makes sense, since when have you ever heard of a Greek not named Nick, George or Alexander?

Ride sharing company Uber offered helicopter rides to the College Championship football game Monday night. The only problem was getting people to put their trust in a helicopter pilot that works for the same company that arranges rides from teenagers driving a 1998 Honda.

A computer program called Cepheus has been programmed so that it never loses at poker. Otherwise known to most poker players in Las Vegas as “the dealer.”

IBM was granted a record 7,534 patents in 2014. All of which were designed to try to finally make their computers work when being operated by Windows.

A study says that Twitter can predict which TV shows will be successful. Mostly the ones who are interesting enough so that people aren’t tweeting on their cellphones while they are watching them.

David Lee Roth played with the Foo Fighters Saturday night in L.A. and removed his hat to show he is bald. If he had done that years ago, people in the audience may have been so shocked they might have not noticed that he can’t sing.

David Lee Roth played with the Foo Fighters Saturday night in L.A. and removed his hat to show he is bald. Which for the people who were just finding out, it shows that it is possible to fool people for 20 years with a bad combover.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think the blog is really starting to take off. Unlike any flights with United Airlines. All I need to achieve my goal of 7 Billion daily readers if for all of you to keep spreading the word to your friends. By achieving world domination on the site, I could become the next Mark Zuckerberg. On second thought, you might want to just keep this under your hat. Well, you can tell a few people. But you can always score points by just remembering to always send the love!

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