Sunday, January 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Food shortages have forced Venezuelans to go to the grocery stores under military protection. Apparently they got the idea after watching what happens to Americans who go shopping without armed protection during Black Friday sales.

A report says the TV of the future may be a 360 degree sphere. Apparently we are getting so fat, a complete orbital view is the only way to fit us on the screen anymore.

A report says the TV of the future may be a 360 degree sphere. Apparently it is physically impossible for flat screen technology to take in a full view of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

A report says that future of medicine is in smartphones with new available apps. Ironically, many men need medical attention only after their wives see who they have been texting with their smartphones.

A report says that future of medicine is in smartphones with new available apps. Which is only fitting, since we have become so in need of medical attention from sitting around all day staring at the screens of our smartphones.

64 Dartmouth students, all athletes have been suspended for cheating in an ethics class. Their punishment was just a lower grade, which taught them a valuable lesson that adhering to any ethics is unnecessary as long as you are a student athlete.

64 Dartmouth students, all athletes have been suspended for cheating in an ethics class. Their punishment was just a lower grade, as the professor figures they will all learn about cheating on ethics when they deal with their first sports agent.

London is getting ready to set a population record, going over the 8.6 Million who lived there in 1939. In order to prepare for having that many people living in the city, stores have stocked up with an additional five toothbrushes.

A report says that Nordic countries are setting the standard towards a cashless society. To which most Americans say that isn’t true, we have been leading the way by trying to get along without having any cash since 2007.

The U.S. unemployment rate has fallen to 5.6%. It is expected to stay that low at least as long as there aren’t any massive closings of 7-Eleven or Wal-Mart stores.

Japan is passing laws to force workers to take vacation time. Many employees there say they don’t like to leave the office because it inconveniences their colleagues. As opposed to the U.S. where workers can’t leave the office because they have to do the work of all their colleagues who were laid off.

A survey says that many Britons are “horrified” at the idea of a self-driving car. Which is really not a good sign for the industry as these are the same people who think nothing of eating jellied eels, Marmite and haggis every day.

President Obama is proposing a plan to make it free to go to community college. Which is great news for anyone planning on getting a two year degree who is wondering how to pay it off with the only job it can get them, working the late shift at a 7-Eleven.

A report says that top colleges are filling more of their classes in early admissions programs with kids from wealthy families. Which will make things more equal as those families will no longer be wealthy once they finish paying off their children’s tuition.

A report says that top colleges are filling more of their classes in early admissions programs with kids from wealthy families. Which nowadays “early admissions” means students who graduate high school before they are 25.

South Korea has deported an American woman who gave talks where she spoke positively about North Korea. For one thing, she gave them kudos for trying to keep the American public from being subjected to another Seth Rogen movie.

The arrest of a Chinese journalist is said to mark the end of an era of optimism and idealism in the profession. Which would follow the lead of the U.S., which ended the era of optimism and idealism in journalism sometime back in 1967.

A report says that stagnant wages mean many Americans will be looking for new jobs this year. The sad part is that it means they will be leaving their current jobs just as soon as any job openings come up at the closest 7-Eleven or McDonald’s.

Nissan and NASA are teaming up to design technology for self-driving cars. Although having NASA design your self driving car means overshooting your freeway exit by 50 miles and landing on the ground upside down after driving off an overpass.

Victoria’s Secret says it has been picking up 100,000 Instagram followers a day. Mostly men who are just finding out that Victoria’s Secret has an Instagram account.

The New York prosecutor that led the chokehold probe of the NYPD has announced he is running for Congress. The only problem is that his opponents are afraid to debate him because of how he might try to cut them off if they go over their allotted time limit.

A report says that economic conditions are forcing young people to do without cars. The one good thing is that texting constantly on their cellphones has made their thumbs so overly large that it is easy for them to be seen from miles away when they are trying to hitchhike.

A report says that economic conditions are forcing young people to do without cars. Although some of them miss driving because it’s the time they use to stay in touch with all their friends by texting.

The top U.S. car safety official says that recalls may climb this year. Which means it could actually get to the point where GM cars will have to be sent back to the beginning of the assembly line for repairs before they are done being put together.

A report says that St. Louis Rams fans are resigned to losing their team. Even worse, the fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars are resigned to probably having to keep theirs.

Malls around the country are turning to medical clinics to take the space of stores that have gone out of business. The clinics find they can make enough money for the whole year just by treating the people injured trying to shop during sales on Black Friday.

A report is warning that fraudulent scammers claiming to be the IRS are starting up for the coming tax season. People can tell they aren’t real because they try to get less money from them than the IRS.

Harold Hamm’s ex-wife decided to cash a divorce settlement check from the oil billionaire for $975 Million. Her divorce lawyers made quick work of him like would be expected when throwing a Hamm to some sharks.

Harold Hamm’s ex-wife decided to cash a divorce settlement check from the oil billionaire for $975 Million. At first she rejected it, saying she was appealing. She then realized that a check for $975 Million was even more appealing.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have no savings to pay for an emergency. The other 38% have no money to pay for anything that isn’t even an emergency.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have no savings to pay for an emergency. Mostly because it becomes an emergency just trying to scrape enough money together each month to pay the bills.

The widow of John DeLorean has filed a lawsuit against a new DeLorean Motor Company which is said to be trying to make money using the name of the old DeLorean name. Which means citrus companies could soon bring action against GM for trying to sell their own brand of lemons.

A study says that e-cigarettes may be linked to respiratory infections. Especially in people who have been diagnosed with e-emphysema.

A study says that kids who play football in middle school don’t appear to suffer any brain damage from the sport. The only question is how could anyone even tell if they did?

Researchers say that unusual changing rhythms in Beethoven’s music may give evidence that he suffered from an irregular heartbeat. Either that or more likely because he was a white guy.

A new implant has made it possible for paralyzed rats to walk again. Which is good news for anyone who has nearly tripped trying to get out of the way of a rat going down the hallway in a small wheelchair.

A study says online avatars are a good indication of the people who created them. Like Paris Hilton’s which is a rock.

A report from three U.S. Senators says energy drinks should not be marketed to minors. Instead they should probably be marketed to members of Congress who could use them to actually see if they help them get something accomplished.

Doctors in Kansas have made a breakthrough in treating frostbite. Mainly telling people in Kansas who are cold they need to move to Florida.

Kourtney Kardashian and her husband Scott Disick reportedly want out of appearing on “The Kardashians” and are contemplating their future. Which if it doesn’t involve being on “The Kardashians” pretty much means standing in the unemployment line.

Miley Cyrus’ house was reportedly targeted by thieves for the third time. Apparently the burglars need to start robbing other houses if they are looking for women’s underwear.

Miley Cyrus’ house was reportedly targeted by thieves for the third time. The burglars need to look for another location if they are trying to steal some singing awards.

Researchers have proposed a new theory about what caused the demise of the civilization on Easter Island. They now speculate that someone stole all the colored eggs they were planning to eat and hid them where they couldn’t find them.

Overstock.com is offering to pay their employees with Bitcoins. If workers don’t want that they can take their regular payments of wooden nickels, Chuck E Cheese tokens or Monopoly money.

Overstock.com is offering to pay their employees with Bitcoins. Apparently the one thing the company isn’t overstocked with is cash.

A study says that 83% of all porn is watched on devices operated by Windows. The other 17% of porn that is watched are naked women who are being looked at by men peeping through their windows.

A survey says that more than half of all Americans 65 and older are on Facebook. Which means the parents of the kids who left Facebook because their parents were on it are now leaving because their parents are on it.

A survey says that more than half of all Americans 65 and older are on Facebook. Which is why so many of the posts of pictures of breakfast are now bowls of Bran Flakes, Quaker Oats and Meuslix.

The world’s largest digital camera which will weigh three tons and be built in the mountains of Chile has gotten the go-ahead for funding. The only problem is no one will be able to figure out how to use it until they can invent the world’s largest selfie stick.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know it is the middle of the football playoffs, but I was very excited this weekend as it was the start of the PGA Tour. That means baseball players report to camp next month, followed by Spring Training, the baseball season and warmer weather. That was a long ways to go to say I am getting sick of the cold. However, I know that my jokes help warm the people who read them. Especially the ones who print them off and use them to start the kindling in their fireplace. In return, I always get a warm feeling when all of you remember to send the love!

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