Sunday, January 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Rapper Iggy Azalea says she has a jaw disorder that causes immense pain. Apparently it happens for most people every time she moves her jaws to sing.

A 75 year old Missouri man had a turn signal removed from his arm that had been there after a car accident when he was 24. He had the surgery because now that he is 75, he feels no need to ever turn his blinker off.

Bono says he may never play the guitar again after a bicycle accident. Apparently he can’t play the guitar anymore because the accident was a Fender bender.

Bono says he may never play the guitar again after a bicycle accident. Even U2 fans are saying “Bono plays guitar?”

Bono says he may never play the guitar again after a bicycle accident. After the accident he has a titanium elbow, so at least the other band members still find him useful as their tuning fork.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid broke some ribs and facial bones in an accident when a piece of exercise equipment broke. The diagnosis was that he got filibusted.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid broke some ribs and facial bones in an accident when a piece of exercise equipment broke. You would think of all people, a member of Congress would be able to work a treadmill where you run all day and get nowhere.

Bad politicians and a government that doesn’t work led a list of biggest problems in America, picked by 18% of those surveyed. Which could be solved if 18% weren’t also the same percentage of people who voted in the last election.

Americans who moved out of state in 2014 said their main reasons were a warmer climate and more affordability. Many people are moving to the South as the warmer temperatures and lower gasoline prices make it the perfect place for the millions of Americans still living in their cars.

Long lines were expected at California DMVs as undocumented aliens were allowed to apply for driver’s licenses. Which long lines at California DMVs are also known as, “weekdays.”

New Agriculture Department dieting guidelines will reflect the cost of foods to the environment. For one thing, it will take into account the incredible amount of methane released into the atmosphere with each burrito eaten at Taco Bell.

New Agriculture Department dieting guidelines will reflect the cost of foods to the environment. Although why would anyone take into consideration tips for losing weight from an agency of a government that can’t even trim any fat from its $17 Trillion debt?

A balloon launched from Antarctica will be used to investigate the Big Bang Theory. Which to most people means just inflating it until it pops.

Prosecutors say they won’t charge John Hinckley, Jr. with the death of James Brady from the 1981 assassination attempt of President Reagan. Mostly because they are afraid of what might happen after Hinckley sees Foster show up at the trial with her wife and decides he needs to try to impress someone else.

Lebanese wine maker Serge Hochar has died at age 75. Colleagues described him as “full bodied and zesty but complex and delicate and just a little nutty.”

Lebanese wine maker Serge Hochar has died at age 75. Wine connoisseurs were surprised. Grapes grow in Lebanon?

The U.S. says an Al Queda terrorism suspect has died after a long illness. Which is the first time anyone has ever heard of waterboarding actually being classified as an illness.

Madonna is defending altered pictures of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela. Apparently she felt it wasn’t a problem to alter other people’s pictures since she hasn’t had a picture of herself taken before a Botox treatment since 1987.

NYPD Chief William Bratton says that officers should not turn their backs to Mayor Bill de Blasio. Not because of disputes over treatment of police, but because it’s just never a good idea to turn your back on a politician.

A family of five is being accused of squatting in a $1 Million house in Maryland. Which apparently means they were only living in the bathroom.

Microsoft says its U.S. workforce is made up of 47% white males. The other 53% is the yard crew and domestic staff at Bill Gates’ mansion.

PayPal founder Elon Musk is divorcing his second wife. Which was only fitting when his wife’s legal team told him to “get ready to pay, pal.”

PayPal founder Elon Musk is divorcing his second wife. Which will make it easy when after the judgment he can punch in the new PayPal feature “Half of what you own.”

A report says that more unmarried couples are buying homes together. Apparently they figure it’s a better deal than buying after being married and losing it all to your spouse and the lawyers in the divorce.

Data says the percentage of Americans under 30 owning their own business is at a 24 year low. Mostly because the number of newspaper subscriptions has fallen so low that 30 year olds are finally being forced to give up their paper routes.

A study says that binge drinking may trash the immune system. Especially for women who do several shots at the bars and end up waking up next to Charlie Sheen.

A study says that Champagne hangovers are the worst of all alcoholic drinks. Especially when you wake up the next morning and realize you got drunk enough to buy several $200 bottles of Cristal.

A study says that dental problems could be a sign of eating disorders. Because it certainly can be a sign that something is wrong when you have eaten so much you have actually worn out your teeth.

A study says that dental problems could be a sign of eating disorders. Although dentists and doctors alike are confused as to how the people of Alabama can have so few teeth and yet still become so obese.

A study says there has been little change to the amount of calories and salt in fast food in the past 17 years. The only difference is that 17 years ago, most people were satisfied eating one meal off the fast food menu instead of five.

A study says there has been little change to the amount of calories and salt in fast food in the past 17 years. Although that study could be disputed by the large change during that same time in the size of the average American’s waistline.

A baby in Ohio was born on New Year’s Day to a set of parents who also both celebrate New Year’s birthdays. The worst part about that is if you count back nine months, they were all a result of someone having sex on April Fool’s Day.

A UK man paid a veterinarian $465 for surgery to cure his constipated goldfish. When he got the bill he said “Holy mackerel!”

New York City had a 100 year low in pedestrian deaths. Mostly because with ride sharing companies like Uber around, there are fewer cabs to run down people crossing the street.

New York City had a 100 year low in pedestrian deaths. Which can mean only one thing. Lindsay Lohan has moved back to California.

New York City had a 100 year low in pedestrian deaths. To which people in Los Angeles are asking “What’s a pedestrian?”

A British doctor is being criticized for writing that cancer is the best way to die. Mostly because illnesses that kill patients off faster don’t allow their doctors to milk them for more money for lengthy treatments and hospital stays.

A British doctor is being criticized for writing that cancer is the best way to die. The worst part is when he breaks into a big smile when informing his patients they have six months to live.

Health officials say a measles scare at the Please Touch children’s museum in Philadelphia is over. It was the biggest scare at the Please Touch Museum since Woody Allen volunteered to be a docent there.

Medical students at Rutgers University are watching episodes of “Seinfeld” to learn about mental disorders. Apparently the doctor conducting the class couldn’t get copies of all the episodes from each season of “Honey Boo Boo,” “Duck Dynasty” or “The Kardashians.”

Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are “obsessed with each other.” Mostly because they now share a common interested after previously just being obsessed with themselves.

Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are “obsessed with each other.” Which mostly means each one is keeping track to make sure the other isn’t getting more camera time, Twitter followers or photo opportunities.

Vinyl record sales in 2014 reached their highest number since 1991. Probably because vinyl records mostly contain music that was made before 1991.

“Beverly Hillbillies” star Donna Douglas has died at age 82. She wanted to be buried at sea, which meant she was laid to rest in the bottom of the ce-ment pond.

“Beverly Hillbillies” star Donna Douglas has died at age 82. She played the part of a country bumpkin who was out of place after gaining sudden wealth. Otherwise known as the prequel to “Honey Boo Boo.”

Florida State University football players say their cars were keyed and their tires slashed after losing to Oregon in the Rose Bowl. Authorities were stumped. That usually only happens at games in the Coliseum.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says courts “choose” to lag behind on technology. Mostly because all the justices are too old to have even gotten the concept of using e-mail.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says courts “choose” to lag behind on technology. Which became painfully evident when it was revealed the preferred method of communication between the justices is still carrier pigeon.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says courts “choose” to lag behind on technology. Mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court was still in their 30s before most houses even had electricity.

Uber passengers complain about being overcharged on New Year’s Eve, with one customer saying they were charged $163 for a six mile drive. Which it turns out would have been a similar amount charged by a taxi for taking a 60 mile detour to get to the same place.

A report says the big idea for 2015 will be wearable health sensors. Don’t we already have wearable devices that show a decline in people’s health? It’s called having to buy larger belts.

Microsoft search engine Bing suffered an outage over the weekend. The sad part is that the only thing most people use Bing to search for is Google.

A survey says that 6 in 10 Internet using workers in the U.S. say that e-mail is very important. The other 4 still have no idea the Internet can be used for anything other than porn.

A survey says that 6 in 10 Internet using workers in the U.S. say that e-mail is very important. Mostly as a way to have a record of inappropriate communications from their boss that they can use in a lawsuit when they get fired.

The White House has approved sanctions against North Korea for the country’s alleged hacking of Sony. The most damaging restriction will be not allowing the shipment in of any bowls that can be used to give Kim Jong-un his next haircut.

The White House has approved sanctions against North Korea for the country’s alleged hacking of Sony. In order to keep from any more hacking to take place, there will be no more access to the country for its computer of choice. The RadioShack TRS-80.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is good to be back on a regular schedule for the New Year. Which means absolutely no free time. Well, it was nice for the two days it lasted. Now it’s back to a steady stream of bad jokes five days a week. I cranked out around 12,000 jokes last year, which hopefully you found at least a handful worth reading. At least the price is right. All you ever waste here is your time. And it’s even cheaper to reciprocate, because all I ever ask in return is for you to remember to once in awhile send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have a great sense of humor, Jim, I'm looking forward to lots of laughs in 2015. Thanks for putting your time into sharing the funny every day!