Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Experts say the risk of nuclear war is rising because of global tension and a stockpile of weapons. Also, other countries are figuring why waste 13 years on a war like the U.S. did with Afghanistan when you can obliterate them in a single afternoon?

A study says the cause of the California drought is natural and not man made. Although there are some people who are suspicious that it came right after medical marijuana was made legal in the state and bong sales went through the roof.

A study says the cause of the California drought is natural and not man made. Although there were no problems with any droughts before 40 Million people decided to move into a state that is basically located in a desert.

A poll says that 75% of Americans say they are “better informed” because of Internet news sites. Although we’re talking about people who are “informed” enough to be able to name all three Kardashian sisters but not one Supreme Court justice.

Scientists claim an “obesity pill” could soon replace exercise to help people lose weight. Although obesity didn’t become a problem until exercise was already replaced by snacking while playing video games.

U.S. and NATO troops have closed the combat command in Afghanistan after 13 years. However, American troops will remain for at least another two years. So we finally have developed an exit strategy. Say we’re done and stick around another two years to see if anyone notices.

New vending machines with face recognition technology will be able to refuse to sell products to certain people. The worst part is when the machine says “I think you’ve had enough doughnuts already, fatty.”

A health insurer in New York will pay its members to walk more. Which is good news for the people who had to sell their cars and can’t afford gasoline because of their increasing health insurance premiums, deductibles and copays.

Big Mac sales are down as customers are becoming more picky. Apparently the selective taste buds of Americans are taking them towards the part of the menu that features the more gourmet friendly selections such as Chicken McNuggets, the McRib Sandwich and Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

A report says that President Obama and congressional Democrats are showing cracks in their unity. Political experts were shocked. Since when have Democrats ever been unified?

Queen Fabiola of Belgium has died at age 86. She is survived by her husband, King Superbo and her children, Prince Marvelo and Princess Spectaculina.

A judge in South Africa has thrown out charges in a honeymoon murder trial. To which Oscar Pistorius is saying “No one told me I should have waited until after the wedding to shoot her.”

The Supreme Court has rejected a BP appeal of the settlement in the Gulf Oil Spill. If BP had put anywhere near the time and money into cleaning up the spill as they have trying to clean up their responsibility, there wouldn’t have been any lawsuits in the first place.

A study says that stressed out adults are more likely to make unethical decisions at work. Unless they are already stressed from worrying about being caught making unethical decisions.

A study says that stressed out adults are more likely to make unethical decisions at work. Although Wall Street bankers crashed the economy even though there was no stress from them worrying about actually ever being punished for their crimes.

GM is using social media to try to improve its cars. For one thing, instead of taking pictures of what they are eating for breakfast they can just post pictures of the cars that are on the list of the latest recalls.

American Airlines is planning to spend $2 Billion to upgrade their planes and airport lounges. Which means they will just increase the size of their lounges to hold more passengers so they can get hammered and not complain about the latest delays and cancellations.

A study says that men who remarry prefer younger women. The only trick is to be able to get enough money in the divorce settlement to get a younger woman interested in the first place.

A study says that men who remarry prefer younger women. Just like when Hugh Hefner got remarried he picked a 28 year old although at his age anyone he married would have been a younger woman.

A study says that men who remarry prefer younger women. Mostly because being caught with a younger woman is why they ended up divorced in the first place.

Apple and Amazon are refusing to release their federal diversity data. Even Augusta National Golf Club is asking them what they have to hide.

Apple and Amazon are refusing to release their federal diversity data. Apparently they feel they have achieved great diversity, with their white and Asian males workers coming in all kinds of different shapes and sizes.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are unveiling a 3% down payment program for first time home buyers. That way they don’t have to worry about losing the other 97% of the home’s equity when it goes into foreclosure.

Bill Gates has listed his five favorite books of 2014. Obviously one of them wasn’t “30 Ways to Become the Most Interesting Person You Know.”

McDonald’s has released a video showing how Chicken McNuggets are made. Not only does it show how they are actually processed, it also finally clears up the mystery of what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Prince William gave a talk in Washington, D.C. where he condemned wildlife trafficking. In other words, Prince Harry is pretty much being banned from any more trips to Las Vegas for life.

Starbucks will open streamlined stores in 2015 that will be smaller with a limited menu that will take payments only with credit cards or pay-by-phone. In other words, they will be copying the business model of Starbucks.

Amazon is testing bike messengers for one hour deliveries in New York. Apparently the messengers will ride to customers’ homes and give them the message that their package will arrive in one hour.

A Korea Air executive caused a flight to be delayed 20 minutes while she chewed out flight attendants for not opening her bag of macadamia nuts. Apparently she wasn’t made aware of the airline’s new $4 macadamia nut bag opening fee.

A report says that 36 private college presidents in the U.S. were paid $1 Million or more in 2012. Which is why graduates from that class will be paying off their college tuition loans until 2047.

A four pound truffle found in Italy was auctioned off for $61,000. It was the most money ever made from a fungus since Dr. Scholl came up with the cure for athlete’s foot.

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says that using comparable wages for similar jobs, Santa Claus would be paid $140,000 a year. Which means he must have a pretty strong union to pull that kind of money working just one day a year including overtime.

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says that using comparable wages for similar jobs, Santa Claus would be paid $140,000 a year. The worst part is that while Santa is making six figures, his elves claim that on payday they always get shorted.

200 passengers out of 1,500 on a Princess cruise ship off New Zealand were sickened with the Norovirus. The other 1,300 passengers who felt left out were given vouchers to book their next cruise on Carnival.

A study says that obesity can cause “silent” heart damage with no symptoms. Apparently the damage is called silent since their doctors’ stethoscopes can’t pick up any sound through more than eight layers of surrounding fat.

Scientists say that low doses of antidepressants may prevent PMS in women. And high doses of antidepressants may get their husbands ready for when it is about to strike.

A rare disease has made a 29 year old Chinese woman look like an 80 year old after childbirth. Doctors were confused by the change as that doesn’t normally happen to mothers until after their kids become teenagers.

A study says that watching too much TV may lower the chance of survival for people with colon cancer. Mostly because sitting on their colon watching TV all day may be the reason they got sick in the first place.

New research questions giving ultrasound screenings to women with dense breasts. Until now “dense breasts” was used as a correlation explaining how the larger a woman’s breasts, the more dense the men seem to become around her.

Time has announced its short list for Person of the Year which includes Taylor Swift, Vladimir Putin and Roger Goodell. It’s a can’t lose situation for Swift who if she loses will just write a song about the man who took it away from her.

Ken Weatherwax, who played Pugsley on “The Addams Family” has died at age 59. Apparently he had some health problems that he let go and just allowed to Fester.

New York Knicks President Phil Jackson says the team has a loser’s mentality. Which could possibly have come about from 40 straight years since having a winning season.

LeBron James wore an “I Can’t Breathe” shirt before a game against the Brooklyn Nets. Apparently he wasn’t wearing the shirt in support of Eric Garner as much as it was how he was feeling as he choked his way through losing in last year’s NBA Finals.

Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak says he expects Kobe Bryant to retire after 2016. Although even if the team takes the championship the nest couple of years, his wife will still end up with way more rings on her fingers than he could ever win.

Ralph Baer, who invented the first home video game console has died at age 92. He is being credited with making it so that generations to come will not be able to make it anywhere even close to age 92.

Scientists say that Mars was once warm, wet and humid. Which Republicans are saying look where global warming got them.

A  research firm says that smartphones will cost less than $100 by 2020. Which will work out well because that is when most smartphone owners’ contracts with their wireless carrier will be over and they will finally have their current iPhone paid off.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My week has gotten off to a great start as the Raiders have now won two of their last three games. Which I think brings them somewhere up around two games in their last three seasons. You would think they would be better with all the extra rest the players keep getting during the off season. Speaking of time off, I get a couple days off this week from work, but don’t worry. I will still be cranking out the jokes here as always. So don’t think you are getting off that easy. This is the season for giving, and this site does just that if you count indigestion. Just make sure to take a couple of Alka-Seltzers and remember to always send the love!

No comments: