Sunday, December 07, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The world’s fattest man his died in England at age 44. At one point he weighed nearly 1,000 pounds. The question on most people’s mind is how could anyone possibly gain that much weight by having to eat only English food?

The world’s fattest man his died in England at age 44. At one point he weighed nearly 1,000 pounds. The worst part was that while he was confined to bed he would pass the time by making up Kirstie Alley jokes.

A report says the California drought is the worst in 1,200 years. Which makes it the state’s longest dry spell since the Oakland Raiders.

Google has revealed it is developing products aimed at kids under 13. It will be the first site revolving on attracting pre-teens since Myspace.

A Barack and Michelle Obama romance movie is reportedly in the works. It won’t be the first time a movie has been based on the love life of a First Couple. There was the movie made about the Clintons right after the Monica Lewinsky scandal. “Kill Bill.”

A study says there are more than 7,500 organisms living on office computer keyboards. Although none of them are anywhere near as annoying as the one that stands over your shoulder at work all day to see what you are doing online.

A study says there are more than 10 Million bacteria living on office desks. Possibly even more when you find out your desk was the rendezvous point of that creepy couple in accounting during the company Christmas party.

A suspect has been arrested in the stabbing of four people on an Amtrak train in Michigan. The victims’ only real fear at the time of the attack that their injuries might be serious enough to keep them from jumping from the train when it would inevitably go off the tracks.

Secretary of State John Kerry is asking Senator Diane Feinstein to “consider” the timing of the release of a report about the harsh interrogation tactics of the CIA. Mostly because there is no torture yet devised by the CIA that can match the pain and suffering inflicted by being forced to read all the way through a congressional report.

A mayor of a town in Hungary wants to perform mandatory drug testing on all 12 to 18 year olds. Although the testing should really be done on all the adults to find out what drugs they are taking to make them want to stay in Hungary.

A poll says that U.S. small business optimism is at its highest since 2008. Mostly because before 2008, many of today’s small businesses were still big businesses.

A poll says that nontraditional college graduates in the U.S. who are over 25 are not as attached to their alma mater. Mostly because older graduates are usually not getting their tuition paid for by their parents and just see the alma mater as the name they will be writing on their college loan checks for the next 30 years.

USA Today is closing down their weekend magazine. Employees of the magazine were notified by a pie chart placed in their pay envelope that showed a big white circle with a “zero” for their income level starting next week.

Starbucks has opened the first of their upscale new stores that will be pushing the rarest types of coffee in the world. Which their customers know the rarest coffee is the one that comes in a Starbucks cup that you can walk out the door with for under $5.

Remington says it will replace a defective trigger on more than 7 Million rifles. The gun maker is apologizing and says the recall should put the firearms back on track for killing as many people as they were intended.

The U.S. economy added 321,000 jobs in November. Mostly for the bouncers needed to break up all the fights at retail stores during their Black Friday free-for-alls.

The Coast Guard is proposing an eight mild wide shipping route through the ice in the Bering Strait for a quicker route from Europe to Asia. Not to say that global warming has removed some of the ice, but the biggest problem for the shipping vessels is trying to keep from running into all the water skiers on the route.

Ebola Czar Ron Klain is leaving his position to to back to the private sector after less than two months on the job. Democrats are satisfied the disease has been eradicated while Republicans are satisfied they were able to use it to help eradicate congressional Democrats in the midterm elections.

Ebola Czar Ron Klain is leaving his position to to back to the private sector after less than two months on the job. After Ebola was eradicated he is going to Wall Street to help them finish the job of eradicating the life savings of everyone who has managed to hang on to anything through the recession.

RadioShack is going to end matching contributions to their employee’s 401(k) plans in order to cut costs. Which makes sense since no one working for RadioShack was ever expecting to make enough money or stay with the company long enough to retire.

Major League Baseball is being sued by minor league players who say their contracts restrict their pay. In fact, some of them can barely make enough money to be able to afford the PEDs they need to make it up to the majors.

CBS and Dish Network have reached an agreement after CBS pulled their programming. Now all that the people old enough to watch CBS need to do is figure out how to actually hook up the Dish Network receivers to their TV sets.

CBS and Dish Network have reached an agreement after CBS pulled their programming. Which comes just in time for the people who were afraid they might not get to watch all 12 spinoff shows that have titles that start with “NCIS.”

Studies say that “technoference” or paying more attention to your cellphone than your partner can hurt relationships. It can also hurt a lot more than that when your wife sees who you are texting with at the dinner table and she hits you between the eyes with the gravy boat.

A report says that weight loss surgery can result in eye problems for some people. Especially the people who had part of their digestive system removed and their eyes now literally are bigger than their stomach.

A report says that weight loss surgery can result in eye problems for some people. Especially when they lose weight and feel more attractive and their wife pokes them in the eye for checking out other women.

A study says that brain scans can reveal patients who are at risk for having a stroke. Mostly when they get their medical bill for the brain scans.

A study says that obesity is as bad as smoking for life expectancy. Especially for people who like to light up after eating an eight course meal.

A study says that obesity is as bad as smoking for life expectancy. Which is even worse for the people who are smoking pot because of all the weight they are gaining from eating three pizzas every time they fire up their bong.

A study says that obesity can cut up to eight years off a person’s life. So who wants to live another eight years if it means eating nothing but sprouts, broccoli and tofu?

Baltimore Washington International has been rated as the airport with the healthiest food choices. Which isn’t that big of a deal since any airport could pretty much take that title away by just closing down every restaurant and food vendor in their terminals.

A Texas woman is suing Chick-fil-A, saying one of their milk shakes caused her to have a heart attack. The only thing is she wasn’t sure if it was caused by the eighth or ninth milkshake which she had to wash down her four orders of nuggets and fries.

A study says a urine test could predict asthma attacks in children. Although if they can tell by your urine that you are having trouble breathing, perhaps you aren’t putting that inhaler in the right place.

The football coach at Columbia University has resigned after allegations of making players continue playing after suffering concussions. The first sign of a concussion for a football player is signing a letter of intent to play for Columbia University.

A study says that public restrooms are no germier than people’s homes. Apparently the study involved people who have taken residence up in the New York City subway system.

Police say that rapper Beanie Sigel was shot at his home in New Jersey. Or as people in the rap business call that, ‘90s music nostalgia.

Hugh Hefner says that allegations about Bill Cosby molesting a 15 year old girl at the Playboy Mansion are “truly saddening.” Almost as saddening as having 15 year old girls running around during parties at the Playboy Mansion.

Mark Wahlberg is seeking a pardon for an assault case dating back to 1988. Although before he gets one he needs to first show complete remorse. Not for the assault, for making “Rock Star.”

CBS’ “Two and a Half Men” will have its series finale in February. The network decided to end the show when it was found to have lost ratings, enthusiasm and one and a half of the original title.

Burt Reynolds is selling the Trans Am he drove in “Smokey and the Bandit.” Not that he is getting a bit older, but the movie was made in 1977 and these days he feels a little safer riding to the store and back on his Rascal.

Burt Reynolds is selling the Trans Am he drove in “Smokey and the Bandit.” The car has a 400 horsepower V-8 engine and he figures he will never have as good a chance as he does now to sell the car with gasoline dropping under $3 a gallon.

Tiger Woods threw up on the golf course while shooting a third round 69 at the Hero World Challenge in Florida. As opposed to all the Golf Channel executives who were throwing up during his televised comeback first round of 77.

A report says that one in ten robberies in the U.S. involves a mobile device. And that doesn’t even count the monthly wireless service bills being sent to all the customers of AT&T.

A survey says that most workers in developed countries are worried about technology of the future. Especially when it becomes even easier for management to see what they are looking at online all day in their office.

A survey says that most workers in developed countries are worried about technology of the future. Ironically, the ones most at risk are the ones who are designing the robots that will take their jobs designing new robots.

The Nobel Prize medal awarded to James Watson for his work discovering DNA sold for $4.76 Million. Which makes you wonder what went haywire enough in someone’s DNA to get them to pay $4.76 Million for someone else’s medal.

The Nobel Prize medal awarded to James Watson for his work discovering DNA sold for $4.76 Million. It was the most money spent on an award for the work done by someone else since Ben Affleck and Matt Damon won the Oscar for writing “Good Will Hunting.”

A new phone case disguises smartphones as an ice cream sandwich. The only problem is that just by looking around, most people would probably be more interested in stealing an ice cream sandwich than a phone in the first place.

A British court has ruled that surveillance of people’s phones and online communications is legal. Which is what happens when the government eavesdrops on the judges first in order to get enough information about them where they will go along with pretty much anything they are told.

A British court has ruled that surveillance of people’s phones and online communications is legal. To which the NSA is saying “Jolly good show, guv’ner!”

A report says that robots could make most lawyers obsolete in the near future. The only difficult part will be having to get judges used to hearing “Does not compute!” instead of “I object!”

The Associated Press review of last week’s “Peter Pan” live performance on NBC says that Brian Williams’ daughter Allison in the lead role had a weak voice and “radiated a weird male energy.” Or were they talking about her father the last time he appeared on “The Tonight Show” with Jimmy Fallon?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 17 shopping days left until Christmas. The only question for people who want to get me something is where do you go to find a decent punchline. Not here! What I want for Christmas can’t be found in any store. Unless there is a store where you can buy money. My holiday wishes are answered every time you all remember to send the love!

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