Friday, December 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

China has passed the U.S. as the world’s number one economy, the first time the U.S. hasn’t been in first place since the Grant Administration. Ironically, Grant’s picture is on the $50 bill which in this bad economy Wall St. executives have had to scale back to when lighting their Cuban cigars.

China has passed the U.S. as the world’s number one economy, the first time the U.S. hasn’t been in first place since the Grant Administration. Although to pass the U.S. in the economic race anymore, all you have to do is stand still long enough.

A report says the U.S. birth rate is at an all time low. Which can mean only one thing. Kevin Federline has gotten a vasectomy.

A report says the U.S. birth rate is at an all time low. Which could change the minute the Octomom meets Mr. Right.

A Harvard study says that left handers are less successful than right handed people. To which Phil Mickelson when he sees Tiger Woods’ trophy case says “Tell me about it.”

A Harvard study says that left handers are less successful than right handed people. There are three arguments against that. Randy Johnson, Sandy Koufax and Babe Ruth.

A truck crash spilled 19,000 copies of the New York Times on the Schuylkill Expressway. The good news is at least the Times’ reporters had a headline for the next day’s paper.

A truck crash spilled 19,000 copies of the New York Times on a highway. People were surprised. The Times still has 19,000 subscribers?

A truck crash spilled 19,000 copies of the New York Times on the Schuylkill Expressway. The crash had a huge impact on some local businesses. What were the merchants at the Fulton Fish Market going to use to wrap their seafood?

A survey says that fast and free Wi-Fi is more important than getting a good night’s sleep when booking a hotel. Mostly because men who are spending the night away from home in a hotel without their spouse around to see what they are doing online have no intention of getting any sleep.

A survey says that fast and free Wi-Fi is more important than getting a good night’s sleep when booking a hotel. Mostly so they can go online and complain about their hotel being too dirty and noisy for them to get any sleep anyway.

The TSA reportedly was considering banning carryon bags at airports. Which the airlines are fine with because it is still the one thing they haven’t started charging fees for on their flights.
 

The TSA reportedly was considering banning carryon bags at airports. The good news is that would save about four hours of boarding time for people trying to find space in their overhead bins for their four pieces of luggage they are too cheap to check.

The TSA reportedly was considering banning carryon bags at airports. Why don’t they just come out and say they aren’t going to stop any weapons from going on planes until we are all flying naked?

A gas station in Oklahoma City dropped its price to $1.99 a gallon. For many people, it was like going back into the 1990s. Until they saw they were in Oklahoma and realized it was more like going back into the 1950s.

Utah says it is going to seize more than 31 Million acres of land from the federal government. The unprecedented grab of federally controlled land around Utah could then be sold off by the state and bring in as much as $12.50.

A school district in Nebraska is scanning students’ fingerprints for its lunch program. It’s the first time kids’ fingerprints have been associated with school lunches other than all the french fry grease they leave around the classrooms after they are done eating.

An analysis has picked North Dakota as the nation’s best run state. Although they do have an advantage in that they don’t have as many bureaucratic expenses as most other states, like needing to pay for a tourism board or state environmental department.

A Texas lawmaker is trying to do away with punishing kids who chew breakfast pastries to into the shape of guns. Although it would be a lot more healthy and make for a better academic environment if they would allow real guns and ban the Pop Tarts.

A company is offering custom made gingerbread homes for $77,000. Which isn’t as good of a deal as spending the same amount of money to buy the real home next door on a short sale after their neighbor has been foreclosed.

The Oxford Dictionary is adding several new words including “man crush,” “duck face” and “lolcat.” Although most people who use terms like man crush, duck face and lolcat probably have no idea what a dictionary even is.

Two Rhode Island brothers in their 70s have been sentenced for stealing 200,000 gallons of used cooking oil. They were only caught because their getaway van that runs on green diesel was unable to outrun police at its top speed of 26 mph.

A 98 year old new Jersey woman has lost her bid to erase her conviction in an atomic spy case. Which is unfortunate because her criminal record could keep her from getting the job she needs to work another 20 years before she gets to retirement age.

A 98 year old new Jersey woman has lost her bid to erase her conviction in an atomic spy case. Not to say the woman is old, but her legal team’s defense is that when she was a young woman atoms hadn’t even been invented yet.

A report says that as many as 12% of all low wage workers in New York and California are victims of wage theft. Which their employees deny, saying they don’t pay them enough to make it worthwhile to steal any of it back.

The White House is calling for the release of a 65 year old American who has been imprisoned in Cuba for distributing Internet equipment. Apparently Cuban authorities are worried it could cause social upheaval when the island nation actually gets Internet access sometime in the next 40 years.

An Oregon woman is suing her former employer who fired her for taking long bathroom breaks while she was pregnant. Apparently her company actually fired her for the long bathroom breaks she took at work before that may have been the reason she ended up pregnant in the first place.

Richard Branson has announced that he will start a Virgin cruise line, promising to shake up the industry with a fresh approach. For starters they will try to attract customers from Carnival who have no idea that it isn’t customary to finish each trip in a lifeboat.

A report says that Brooklyn is the most unaffordable place in the country. That is nothing new. That was true back in the 1950s when the Dodgers were able to actually find cheaper property near downtown L.A.

A study says that cellphones are a distraction even if they are lying nearby and not being used. The only problem in completing the study was finding someone who actually could sit for more than a few minutes without using their phone.

Researchers say that public restrooms are not any dirtier than the rest of the environment. Apparently the study was being conducted by researchers at an atomic testing site by an Ebola hospital in New Jersey.

A study says that running is being linked to a lower risk of death from Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because the majority of runners will be die from a heart attack or being run over before they are anywhere near old enough to get Alzheimer’s.

A study says that running is being linked to a lower risk of death from Alzheimer’s Disease. The only problem was completing the study as half the people who signed up to run got lost and never made it back.

Researchers say that small balloons could be used to treat a type of pregnancy complication. Although there is already a type of balloon that can prevent most pregnancy complications before they start. They are called condoms.

A study says that men who smoke are three times more likely to lose their Y Chromosome than men who don’t smoke. Mostly from militant anti-smoking women who give them a quick kick in the groin when they light up nearby.

A report says caring for a Texas Ebola patient’s dog cost $27,000. The dog was a spaniel named Bentley. Which sounds more like the money was going to a veterinarian who was interested in picking up a Bentley for themselves.

A New York court has ruled that chimpanzees have no human rights. The decision was seen as a victory for retail stores and fast food restaurants who were concerned if chimps were given human rights, pretty soon people might also start demanding them.

The LAPD is investigating charges from a woman who says she was molested at the Playboy Mansion in L.A. when she was 15. Which brings up the question of why isn’t someone asking Hugh Hefner why there were 15 year old girls at the Playboy Mansion.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been released after a two year prison sentence in Montana. Which is nice to see that things haven’t changed much since his NFL playing days. Two years and released.

An anonymous player for the New York Jets says that management has quit on this season. At least they now know who was the last person on Earth to figure that out.

An anonymous player for the New York Jets says that management has quit on this season. To which even the Raiders are asking what took them so long.

Division I Drexel University lost a basketball game to the Division II University of Science, a school that trains pharmacists. Although suspicions were raised about how the small college performs so well after honorary degrees were given to Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens.

A UK team has designed an experimental car that could go as fast as 1,000 mph. In fact, it was recently seen being driven to a pizzeria by a stoner who took the car all the way up to 42 mph.

Sony is celebrating 20 years of PlayStation. Which marks two decades in America of obesity, childhood diabetes and a generation of people living in their parents’ basement.

A federal judge says the NSA should have unlimited access to all digital data. Which most people agree with, mostly because the only people they are afraid of seeing what they are doing online are their wives.

A federal judge says the NSA should have unlimited access to all digital data. To which the NSA is saying “You mean we don’t already?”

Officials in San Jose have cleaned out the nation’s largest homeless camp. Homeless advocates say it is not their fault they can’t afford a place to live. They can’t help it that they want to live in San Jose but can only find a job that pays $150,000 a year.

A survey says that 42% of all people are worried that the iPhone 6 won’t be available for Christmas. Which means their two year old child will have to just be satisfied with their iPad, PlayStation 4, Roku, iPod and LED flatscreen TV.

Democrats have named a task force to conduct a post election review of what went wrong. The have reportedly appointed historical experts who specialize in Custer’s Last Stand, the Hindenburg and the Titanic.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here, time to take a couple of days off and try to figure out a new strategy for making my goal of 7 Billion readers on the site each day. Suggestions so far are to actually start writing funny jokes. Nah, tried that already. Too hard. The easiest way is for you to tell all your friends to log in, and then to have them tell all their friends and in 30 years who knows? In the meantime I will  still be satisfied each time any of you remembers to send the love!

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