Thursday, December 04, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Several companies are experimenting with different flavors during the holiday season, from eggnog lattes to peppermint potato chips. Which is what happens when the entrepreneurial spirit and capitalism find a way to meet the new demands created by the increasing legalization of marijuana.

Ferrari has unveiled a car costing $3.1 Million. Which is finally starting to sell now that the price of gas has dropped below $3 a gallon and people can actually afford to fill the tank.

Pope Francis I has removed the head of the Swiss Guard who are in charge of the pontiff’s personal security because he felt he was too strict. Which is a pretty harsh accusation for a military that hasn’t seen any action since the 19th century.

Pope Francis I has removed the head of the Swiss Guard who are in charge of the pontiff’s personal security because he felt he was too strict. If the Pope wants to be surrounded by guards who aren’t interested in discipline, he should hand the duties over to the French military.

Pope Francis I has removed the head of the Swiss Guard who are in charge of the pontiff’s personal security because he felt he was too strict. Apparently the Pope was angered when his personal guard said it was forbidden to use the file in his Swiss Army Knife to help the pontiff remove a hangnail.

National Geographic aired a two hour documentary called “Sleepless In America” which claims the nation isn’t getting enough sleep and that it is causing health problems. The remedy for getting more sleep is to try watching a National Geographic documentary.

An Iowa man was arrested for using a McChicken Sandwich as a weapon against his wife. Apparently he felt he was being henpecked.

Physicians in Brazil say a test that involves the ability to stand up from a seated position can determine how long a person is likely to live. Mostly with the way Americans cut their life expectancy by only getting up off the couch to head to the refrigerator.

Charles Barkley is speaking out in support of police officers concerning the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri. Although it might have something to do with his indebtedness to the police in Orlando, Florida who didn’t arrest him when he threw a man through a plate glass window.

The Los Angeles City Attorney is trying to block an app that would enable people to receive home delivery of their medical marijuana. Which you would think he would support just to make sure people with medical conditions who are getting stoned won’t be driving around town all day looking for the pot dispensary.

The Los Angeles City Attorney is trying to block an app that would enable people to receive home delivery of their medical marijuana. Not only that, but the app comes with direct connections also to the closest Pizza Hut, Papa John’s and Domino’s.

New technology claims it can tell what a person is thinking by reading their facial features. Which would be a great breakthrough for men who would have to stop listening to their wives and girlfriends ask them “So, what you thinking?”

100 brains that disappeared from the University of Texas have been accounted for. Apparently they were hiding in the one place they knew no one would bother looking for any brains. The football team’s locker room.

A study says the melting rate of glaciers in Antarctica has tripled in the past 10 years. Scientists are alarmed. Not at the threat of global warming, but if enough ice melts there it will just attract more golf course and condo development by Donald Trump.

An Indiana woman lived with the corpse of her dead husband for six months waiting for him to be resurrected. Millions of other women say they went through the same thing until Viagra came along.

Climate scientists say that 2014 will be the hottest year on record. Experts say they are alarmed at the potential disaster. Not from global warming, from having to watch Al Gore strut around saying “I told you so!”

The runner up in a “best butt” contest in Brazil was hospitalized because of thigh augmentation complications. The worst part is that she went from finishing second to bringing up the rear.

Spending on health care in the U.S. in 2013 grew at the slowest rate in 54 years. Mostly because people older than 54 who lost their jobs and their health insurance with it can’t afford to go see their doctor anymore.

A company is selling active wear it says doesn’t smell after workouts. But then, what’s the point of working out if everyone around you can’t tell the minute you walk into the room?

A real estate brokerage says that covering every inch of an 1,800 square foot house with dollar bills would cost $441 Million. Or people can just spend that same amount to end up with a two bedroom fixer upper in an L.A. suburb.

The Supreme Court is weighing the claim of a UPS driver who claims she was forced to go on unpaid leave while she was pregnant. Apparently for once the company was concerned about the consequences of an early delivery.

A study says that young Americans prefer hard liquor and wine over beer. Mostly because the ones who just drink beer and are sober enough to be able to still walk are tired of always getting the title of designated driver.

Martha Stewart is planning to open a coffee shop in New York City. Apparently she wants to put her prison past behind her and be remembered more for her mugs than her mug shots.

Martha Stewart is planning to open a coffee shop in New York City. It will be the perfect spot for anyone who has six hours to kill during the prep time for their iced coffee frappe with cotton candy and mocha almond fudge topping.

A survey says that 80% of Americans age 60-75 failed a retirement income literacy test. Which isn’t that big of a deal because 80% of the people age 60-75 still have twenty to thirty years left before they can even think about trying to retire.

Boeing made its first test flight using green diesel fuel. The good news is the airlines finally found a use for all the grease left over from all those years when they were still serving inflight meals.

A report says Americans spent $2.9 Trillion in health care in 2013, which works out to more than $9,200 per person. Mostly because we spent $10 Trillion on the alcohol, cigarettes and junk food that required us getting medical attention in the first place.

Amazon and PG&E are launching “stall malls” in public toilets where people can shop while they use the restroom. Which means that people who order gifts online while using the restroom can do all their downloading in one stop.

U.S. CEOs say that it is hard finding workers with the right skills. Apparently it is becoming hard to find people with the drive to show up on time, work hard and remember to kiss the boss’s backside.

U.S. CEOs say that it is hard finding workers with the right skills. It is becoming more difficult to find workers in America who can speak the Indian and Chinese necessary to communicate with the workers who will soon be taking over their positions.

Nissan will return to the Super Bowl as a sponsor for the first time in 20 years. Which is still better than the New York Jets who haven’t managed to make it back to the game since 1969.

A report says that divorce rates in the U.S. are going down. Mostly because no one has enough money in their pockets to even date, let alone try to convince someone they are marriage material.

A report says that divorce rates in the U.S. are going down. Which is interesting because it’s not like people stay together to avoid an expensive divorce settlement. Half of zero still works out to zero.

A report says preventable problems in hospitals like infections, bed sores and medication errors are down 17%. Which is good news in that only 83% of the patients who are admitted are dying from infections, bed sores and medication errors.

A study says that exercising after weight loss surgery may boost a person’s health improvements. Although if they would have been exercising before weight loss surgery they probably wouldn’t need weight loss surgery.

A report says that under Obamacare, 10 Million Americans got health insurance for the first time. Which means those people can now join the rest of us in having to pay inflated premiums, fighting over unpaid claims and getting to admire the Hamptons vacation mansions of the insurance industry CEOs they are now helping to build.

A report says that depression is most prevalent among women between 40 and 59. Mostly because the Prince Charming they married 20 to 30 years ago is sitting on the couch in his underwear watching reality TV while yelling for some wet naps to wipe the Cheetos powder off his hands.

A report says that 8% of Americans suffer from depression. The other 92% are still too afraid to open up their monthly 401(k) statements.

Maria Shriver is reportedly happy with her son Patrick Schwarzenegger dating Miley Cyrus. So far his father Arnold’s only question about her is how good is she with the housekeeping?

Snooki’s husband has pleaded guilty to DUI two days after getting married. Someone needs to tell him the auditions for “Jersey Shore” ended years ago.

Snooki’s husband has pleaded guilty to DUI two days after getting married. Who needs reruns when the same plot lines from the show keep playing over and over again in real life?

Kim Kardashian’s wedding photo with Kanye West is the most liked Instagram picture of all time. Apparently people were just taken by the novelty of a picture taken of Kim Kardashian while she was actually wearing clothes.

Kim Kardashian says when she was younger she used to become upset and sit in the bathtub praying her breasts would stop growing. Unfortunately she forgot to throw in a Hail Mary or two for her backside as well.

Kim Kardashian says when she was younger she used to become upset and sit in the bathtub praying her breasts would stop growing. Although she should have realized there was another problem in the works when she stopped being able to sit all the way down into the tub.

Attorney Gloria Allred says she has “lost count” of the number of accusers who have contacted her about allegations of Bill Cosby. Although she will have no problem coming up with the count when it is time to send all of them their legal consultation bills.

A study says that when one person in a couple uses technology more than the other, the second person can feel ignored and insecure. As opposed to the days before technology when the biggest reason for feeling ignored and insecure was being a married woman.

A four pound truffle that was dug up in Italy could be sold for as much as $1 Million. At least that is the opinion of the people who were eating the magic mushrooms they found by the same tree.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tiger Woods mounts his latest comeback today. No one is even sure what her name is (Bah-Dum!) Golfing experts say his future depends on how he uses the flat stick. Which his mistresses say he is great with because he leaves hardly any marks (Bah-Dum!) One thing is certain, no matter how poorly Tiger does on the course he will be making a lot more money than I am for writing these jokes. And rightly so. But as usual, my payment always arrives when you all remember to make sure to send the love!

No comments: