Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The number of tickets to see movies in 2014 dropped to its lowest level since 1995. Which can only be explained as 1995 was the year Adam Sandler released “Billy Madison” to this year when “Blended” came out.

The number of tickets to see movies in 2014 dropped to its lowest level since 1995. Mostly because people saw that the movie “The Interview” that created the most buzz was actually about as interesting as watching someone sitting down for an interview.

A new theory says it was laid off Sony employees and not North Korea who were behind the hacking of the movie studio. Apparently investigators made an error when the hackers wrote they were going to have a “hot dog for lunch” and originally missed the word “hot.”

A new theory says it was laid off Sony employees and not North Korea who were behind the hacking of the movie studio. Now investigators realize the two people who had the most to lose with the release of “The Interview” were actually James Franco and Seth Rogen.

A report says the world’s 400 richest people added another $92 Billion to their wealth in 2014. Which caused as much excitement among the top 1% as anyone else walking down the street and finding a nickel.

A report says the number of wealthy immigrants entering the U.S. has gone up 700% in the past six years. Which shows that the easiest way to escape border patrol agents is not by running across the border but by jumping into a limousine out of a private jet.

Arrests for minor crimes in New York City have plummeted 94% as police have gone into a virtual work stoppage to protest against Mayor Bill de Blasio. In fact, the odds of getting arrested are virtually zero unless you are dumb enough to try to pull a holdup inside a donut shop.

Arrests for minor crimes and traffic summons in New York City have plummeted 94% as police have gone into a virtual work stoppage to protest against Mayor Bill de Blasio. In fact the only work actually performed by police were the 1,752 parking tickets stuck on the Mayor’s limousine.

88 year old former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says we still “have a very sluggish economy.” Of course, that is coming from someone old enough to complain every time they go out to eat that a hamburger used to cost just 15 cents.

Several firefighters in California were suspended after it was rumored they shot a sex tape on a fire engine. Even local pizza deliverers and pool boys were saying “How cliche.”

CNN is closing out the year with record low ratings. The sad part is that there is a collective groan in the newsroom every time a plane takes off or lands safely.

CNN is closing out the year with record low ratings. It is getting so bad that when they talk about the Nielsen ratings at the network, they are referring to the one family named Nielsen who still actually watches them.

An Idaho woman was shot and killed at a Wal-Mart when her two year old son reached into her purse and accidentally fired her gun. The sad part is that the woman mistakenly left the gun in her purse after needing it for shopping at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Little League star Mo’ne Davis was named the AP Female Athlete of the Year. Apparently she barely beat out Manny Ramirez whose prescription for female hormones finally ran out.

76 bottles of rare wines were stolen from a 3-star restaurant in California. One of the bottles was a 1999 Burgundy worth $8,000. Which was not to be confused with the restaurant’s kitchen crew that came to work in a $2,000 1999 burgundy Monte Carlo.

76 bottles of rare wines were stolen from a 3-star restaurant in California. The thieves are reported to be armed and extremely haughty and pretentious.

76 bottles of rare wines were stolen from a 3-star restaurant in California. It isn’t sure what was more damaging, losing a half million dollars worth of wine or the fact that having a cellar full of Gallo table wine now makes them a 1 star restaurant.

A Korean Air executive who delayed a flight to discipline a worker who served macadamia nuts incorrectly has been arrested. Americans were shocked. Airlines in other countries serve food on planes?

A Korean Air executive who delayed a flight to discipline a worker who served macadamia nuts incorrectly has been arrested. American aviation executives agreed there was a problem. Why wasn’t the airline charging passengers $22 for the bag of nuts?

Anchorage, Alaska went through all of 2014 without the temperature falling below zero. Which is good news for people in that region who can thank global warming for only making it possible to freeze to death in a matter of minutes on half the days of the year.

Anchorage, Alaska went through all of 2014 without the temperature falling below zero. All it took was to change the official temperature gauge from Fahrenheit to Kelvin. (That a meteorology joke you laypeople may have to look up...!)

Anchorage, Alaska went through all of 2014 without the temperature falling below zero. The worst part was having to watch Al Gore walking around the downtown area all summer without a shirt saying “I told you so!”

7.1 Million people have signed up for Obamacare for 2015. The bad part is that they did it while they were waiting online to get through on the website to sign up for 2014.

A report says Microsoft is going to introduce a new web browser that is codenamed “Spartan.” Mostly because like other Microsoft products it is ancient, has no frills and anyone trying to figure it out might as well be learning Greek.

Ride sharing site Uber says it expects New Year’s Eve to be their busiest night ever. People using the service get a ride from an unlicensed complete stranger. Which basically means you are now paying a fee for what you used to get by standing on the side of the road holding out your thumb.

A report says the measure of U.S. consumer confidence has been rising as the economy picks up. Apparently the information came from a study conducted by the University of No Kidding.

Louisiana Republican Representative Steve Scalise says he regrets a speech he gave in 2002 to a group of white supremacists. He says he did it because who else is there to give a speech to in Louisiana?

A report says that Volvo is planning for a big role in its future for their new three cylinder engine. Or as GM calls a three cylinder engine, their small-block V-8.

Billionaire David Einhorn says that investing is harder than playing poker. Unless you are like Bernie Madoff and are betting with everyone else’s money.

Billionaire David Einhorn says that investing is harder than playing poker. Unless you are the casino and make money by giving everyone else at the table a bad hand.

Billionaire David Einhorn says that investing is like playing poker. Although most people know that if you do either one long enough, you will lose everything you own.

A West Virginia chemical company executive who is being charged in a chemical spill that cut off the water supply to 300,000 people earlier this year is asking to have his Bentley returned to him. Gary Southern says not only is he without transportation, but he actually had to eat a sandwich the other day with no Grey Poupon mustard.

A study says that half the teenagers who were killed in car crashes were driving cars at least 11 years old. The real problem is that they were driving them while sending out text messages on brand new cellphones.

A study says that weight loss supplements don’t work for most people. Apparently the study was based on asking when was the last time you saw a skinny person walking into a GNC store?

A study says that weight loss supplements don’t work for most people. Especially the ones that taste really good.

A study says that weight loss supplements don’t work for most people. In fact, the only thing they make lighter is your wallet.

A study says that birds that are drunk slur their “speech” just like people. Not only that, but when they get really drunk and angry they start flipping each other the “people.”

A study says that birds that are drunk slur their “speech” just like people. Just like a person on Twitter, the drunker they get the harder it is to decipher their tweets.

A study says that a spice can help block bad memories. Except the spices used on the Chalupa that won’t let you forget your last trip to Taco Bell for two weeks.

A veterinarian says that New Year’s Eve is a busy night for pet visits to the ER. Especially for the dogs that insist on trying to fetch the ball being dropped at midnight at Times Square.

A study says that texting while driving is more problematic for middle aged drivers than teenagers. Mostly because middle aged people can’t text “ok” on a cellphone without having to look at the screen and search for the right keys for three minutes.

A study says the source of Ebola in West Africa may have been an encounter with bats. As opposed to the number of Cubs fans who have been made ill over the decades from having absolutely no bats.

The Maryland Board of Physicians has revoked a doctor’s license for his involvement with assisted suicides. Which means he put in several years working at an HMO.

The Maryland Board of Physicians has revoked a doctor’s license for his involvement with assisted suicides. Apparently the other doctors are mad that he helped kill people who could have been milked for some more medical fees before they died.

Niall Horan says he is not leaving One Direction as rumored. Apparently he feels since he has hung on through the group’s first 13 minutes of fame he might as well be there for the final two.

Niall Horan says he is not leaving One Direction as rumored. Hearing the news made most people go to their computer to Google “Who is Niall Horan?”

Food Network star Giada De Laurentiis is splitting from her husband of 11 years. Apparently her husband found out about her leaving when her latest recipe started out with “First, separate one couple...”

A report says that “Toy Story 3” was almost set in Taiwan. Apparently the movie was going to be a prequel that started where the toys were all assembled.

Justin Bieber has been voted the least desirable celebrity neighbor. Coming in second were pretty much all the other celebrities.

Justin Bieber has been voted the least desirable celebrity neighbor. The only people who thought having Bieber for a neighbor wouldn’t be so bad were those whose homes were painted in eggshell.

The first back-to-back Oscar winner, Louise Rainer has died at age 104. She was so old she knew Clint Eastwood back when he was only on his second marriage.

The first back-to-back Oscar winner, Louise Rainer has died at age 104. One of her Oscar wins was for “The Good Earth.” She was so old, the movie was made while the Earth was actually still good.

Kim Kardashian says she doesn’t smile in pictures because she doesn’t want to get laugh lines. The only problem is that the rest of us get laugh lines from watching all her guest appearances on TV shows trying to be a serious actress.

A report says that LeBron James will leave Cleveland “if his hand is forced.” How much more can you force a person’s hand to leave Cleveland than by paying them enough money to move anywhere else?

Amazon was voted as the country’s most popular company. Apparently the voting was limited to people who don’t actually work there.

Amazon was voted as the country’s most popular company. The least popular companies were all the ones ending with “Air,” “Airways” or “Airlines.”

A study says that 35% of workers find landlines “very important” at work. Mostly so they can still have their cellphones available to text their friends and play video games while they are pretending to be on the phone.

A study says that 35% of workers find landlines “very important” at work. The other 65% are under 30 and have no idea what a landline is.

A software upgrade on the Tesla Model S enables the car to go up to 155 mph. To explain how a software upgrade can make a car go faster, the company says it’s the same thing with your computer when you change it from working on Windows Vista.

That’s it for this year, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for staying with me all through 2014 as I cranked out somewhere around 12,000 jokes of which nearly 7 were considered somewhat amusing. I am taking off the next couple of days to get ready to start 2015 where I left off. Writing mediocre jokes. I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year and look forward to you logging on again as we move into 2015. I just hope you all make your New Year’s resolution to always remember to send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Happy New Year. And thanks for the jokes. They really come in handy.