Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says the number of Americans with a sense of duty has fallen to 77% in the past 30 years. The other 23% said they felt no obligation to take part in any surveys.

A poll says the number of Americans with a sense of duty has fallen to 77% in the past 30 years. The worst part is the only community service most people are doing anymore is court ordered.

A poll says the number of Americans with a sense of duty has fallen to 77% in the past 30 years. Especially because the word “duty” usually follows the words parental, military, or jury.

The Census bureau says the U.S. population will be at 320 Million to start 2015. Which means that Santa really needs to put some condoms in Kevin Federline’s Christmas stocking next year.

Snow is forecast to blanket Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve. Which still won’t make Nevada anywhere near as white as it would be if it were up to Cliven Bundy.

Snow is forecast to blanket Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve. Which will provide a wonderful winter spectacle for the five people who spend their Las Vegas vacation anywhere other than in the casino, their hotel room or the buffet line.

A report says that the ratings for reality TV shows are dropping. Apparently audiences have figured out if they want to see where Honey Boo Boo ends up in another 20 years all they have to do is go watch the waitresses working at the nearest Waffle House.

A report says that the ratings for reality TV shows are dropping. Network executives think the answer could be a crossover episode where Honey Boo Boo blows a duck call to signal the Duck Dynasty cast to shoot several rounds of rock salt into the backsides of the entire Kardashian family.

A British engineering professor says that people under 40 are unable to fix any electronic gadgets and assume they will always just work. Apparently he hasn’t met anyone who has bought a computer that is run by Windows.

A British engineering professor says that people under 40 are unable to fix any gadgets and just assume they will always just work. As opposed to the English whose contribution to the world of technology is that guy with the British accent who does those Snuggies and ShamWow infomercials.

A study says that lying on Facebook causes people to be paranoid. Although why would anyone be paranoid about a website that allows millions of perfect strangers to find out just about all of your personal information?

A study says that lying on Facebook causes people to be paranoid. The other people realize no one pays attention to anything that anyone else posts on Facebook.

A study says that lying on Facebook causes people to be paranoid and that people lie on social media to make them seem more interesting than they really are. Which makes sense because if they really were interesting they would be doing something other than posting every few minutes on Facebook.

President Obama and Hillary Clinton once again topped a poll of the most admired man and woman in the world. Obviously the poll wasn’t conducted by Fox News.

President Obama says he is ready to use his veto pen with the next Congress. The only problem is finding his veto pen on his desk where it usually gets lost somewhere among all his golf pencils.

China has cut access to Google’s G-mail. The worst part is when the Chinese government finds out that no one has used e-mail to send any messages since 2008.

Facebook has apologized for their Year in Review feature that shows users’ photos from 2014. Apparently they are sorry for making their friends go through all 365 breakfast pictures they have posted since the end of last year.

Health officials have confirmed the first case of Ebola in Scotland. Apparently it took so long to identify because the symptoms of intense stomach pain, high fever and blood hemorrhaging from the eyes was pretty much the same as someone who has just eaten their first haggis.

The new Cadillac CTS-V reportedly goes from 0 to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. Which is quite a bit faster than the 3.7 hours it takes for the average Cadillac owner to remember where they put their car keys.

The new Cadillac CTS-V reportedly goes from 0 to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. Which is not to be confused with the average age of a Cadillac owner which goes from 65 to 90.

Rhode Island Senator Sheldon Whitehouse has given 83 speeches on the floor of Congress about the perils of climate change. What he doesn’t understand is that the number one cause of global warming is 83 speeches coming out of the Capitol Building pumping even more hot air into the atmosphere.

A survey by Coinstar, the company that puts coin sorting kiosks in malls says 66% of consumers went over their spending budget for the holidays. How bad is it when Christmas shopping habits are monitored by a company that tracks people’s loose change?

American Airlines is reportedly trying to make its employees happier with raises and bonuses in 2015. Now all they need to do is make their customers happier by pretending they are flying on Delta.

The controversial film “The Interview” was downloaded 2 Million times which brought in $15 Million to Sony. Downloading off the Internet is apparently becoming the digital version of what used to be called going “straight to video.”

Chrysler has recalled 67,000 pickup trucks that have a defect that prevents them from starting. Which is otherwise known as being a Chrysler.

A report says that RadioShack is not expected to make it through 2015. Apparently whomever wrote the report isn’t aware RadioShack wasn’t expected to make it through 1992, 1993,1994...

A report says that RadioShack is not expected to make it through 2015. Their name says it all. No one under 30 even knows what a radio is, and who wants to buy anything out of a shack?

The IRS says that in 2012 it took an income of $435,000 to make it into the top 1%. Which was a lot better than when the market crashed in 2008 and to make it into the top 1% took an income of $32.75.

The IRS says that in 2012 it took an income of $435,000 to make it into the top 1%. Mostly because people who make more than that get to keep it all since they have enough accountants to figure out how to avoid paying any taxes.

Netflix is offering parents a phony countdown they can play for their kids on New Year’s Eve to get them to go to bed early. Which will be ironic when the parents go out after that and end up having to count backwards from ten for the police officer who is giving them a field sobriety test.

Netflix is offering parents a phony countdown they can play for their kids on New Year’s Eve to get them to go to bed early. Which is really unnecessary since most kids can’t count even forwards from one to ten.

A Pennsylvania couple gave birth to triplets on Christmas Day. Which means in just a few years there will be three more children who are disappointed to find everyone giving them one gift to cover both their birthday and Christmas presents.

Swedish orthopedic surgeon Per-Ingvar Branemark, who invented dental implants has died at age 85. His invention enabled people to not have to worry about having their dentures fly out of their mouth when they tried to say “Per-Ingvar Branemark.”

Chefs in Colorado are reportedly leaving respected restaurants to take more lucrative jobs coming up with recipes for food made with marijuana. Or as any food containing edible marijuana is called, an appetizer.

A study says that teenagers are more likely than middle aged drivers to die in car crashes involving older and smaller cars. Mostly because by the time most Americans reach middle age, they have gotten too fat to even be able to fit inside a compact car in the first place.

A study says that sending text messages to parents makes for a better chance their kids will get a full flu vaccination. Mostly because the messages can then be forwarded to their children since texting is the only way most kids will even communicate with their parents anymore.

The FDA has approved a combination pill to treat Alzheimer’s Disease for people treating the condition with both drugs. Apparently combining the two drugs saves about an hour for the patients who are trying to remember where they put the one they can’t find.

A study says a gene has been found that influences obesity, but only in people who were born after 1942. Apparently the year is critical because that was just five years after the opening of the first McDonald’s restaurant.

A study has linked gut bacteria to how a person handle’s anxiety. Especially when their wife starts asking them about what happened to her last quart of Haagen Dazs chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

The United Arab Emirates has banned the film “Exodus.” Mostly because they confused the title with what most Middle Eastern people say they need to do when they find out the theater is showing an Adam Sandler movie.

Han Solo may get his own “Star Wars” spinoff movie. Which would be ironic in that “solo” is the way most “Star Wars” fans go on movie date night.

Han Solo may get his own “Star Wars” spinoff movie. Although it could be tricky making the movie if it is to star Harrison Ford. Not to say Ford is getting a little older, but Han Solo tries to trade in the Millennial Falcon for a 1963 Ford Falcon because on his fixed income he needs something that is “more reliable and gets better mileage.”

Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles has been slapped with a $55,000 tax lien by the state of California. It’s the first time the words “Solange” and “slapped” have been used together in a sentence that didn’t also include “elevator” and “Jay-Z’s mouth.”

“Teen Mom” star Maci Bookout is reportedly expecting her second child at age 23. Apparently getting pregnant as a teen is the way she got into both her careers. Reality show star and Denny’s waitress.

“Saved By The Bell” star Dustin Diamond faces ten years in prison after being arrested in a bar stabbing. He was able to post $10,000 bond which had fans of the show asking one question. Where did Dustin Diamond get $10,000?

A study says that ants almost always turn to the left when they are exploring new territory. Which is the same for Danica Patrick’s nieces and nephews who also say they have an aunt who always turns left.

A study says that ants almost always turn to the left when they are exploring new territory. Mostly because they are usually following the oldest member of the colony who always leaves their left blinker on.

The creator of the app Videoshop paid off his parents’ mortgage for Christmas. Mostly because he doesn’t want them to go into foreclosure which would force him to move out of the basement he has lived in for the past 12 years.

Microsoft is reportedly working on a new web browser. Mostly because no one uses Internet Explorer because every time people search for new hairstyle ideas they keep getting pictures of Bill Gates’ bowl haircut.

Microsoft is reportedly working on a new web browser. Mostly because the only thing people use Internet Explorer for is to look for suggestions on how to get something run by Windows to actually work.

Kim Dotcom’s Mega is set to launch a call and chat service that it claims will shield users from government surveillance. Which is not an issue as the NSA couldn’t care less about spying on chat rooms where people are talking about when the next “Star Wars” movie is set for release.

A scalper in Ohio bought $650 worth of tickets to see “The Interview” which became worthless when the movie was released online. Which was good news for Sony which can now claim the movie actually made $650 in its theater run.

Hotels are starting a Wi-Fi war to attract customers with free Internet service. Which isn’t good for Super 8 Motels whose customers only want the service to find out where else in town they can still get another room.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only one day left in 2014. That still gives me more than 24 hours to accomplish my 2014 resolution to write some jokes that are actually funny. I’ve already broken all of my resolutions for 2015. and 2016, 2017 and 2018. I would get to work on 2019 except that was one of the 2016 resolutions I already broke. I just hope you all keep at least one of your resolutions for the new year. The one that says you will remember to always send the love!

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