Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The FBI is warning U.S. businesses of attacks with destructive malware. The businesses wouldn’t mind if the malware disabled their computers so their employees would quit shopping online and actually get some work done in the office.

A report says that mindfulness, or meditating at school helps teens cope with stress and anxiety. Especially when their anxiety and stress is from not doing their homework and they can use their few minutes of thought to come up with an excuse.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he would like to see millions of people living and working in outer space. Mostly because he could send all his workers there and claim that minimum wage laws only apply on Earth.

Experts say that space tourists face risks to their health. Apparently they have been buying up all the leftover inflight meals that the airlines have had sitting around since they quit serving food.

Experts say that space tourists face risks to their health. Especially if United Airlines gets into the business and starts charging fees for gravity and oxygen.

Eye experts say that myopia is becoming an epidemic because of electronic gadgets. And that doesn’t even include the nearsightedness that has tied up Washington, D.C. for generations.

A study says that artificial light can have negative consequences on people’s health. Especially when they leave the computer on and their wife sees what they were doing online all night.

A Los Angeles man drank ten Cokes a day for a month to see how it would affect his health. Either that or he just couldn’t afford the cost of drinking Perrier until the drought is over.

A Los Angeles man drank ten Cokes a day for a month to see how it would affect his health. If nothing else he will be saving a fortune over the years from never having to get his teeth checked at the dentist anymore.

A massive power outage hit Detroit on Tuesday. Apparently the problem was solved after it was discovered the power companies were controlling the flow of electricity with those GM ignition switches.

Stephen Hawking is warning that Artificial Intelligence could end mankind. Apparently he is terrified of the thought of highly intelligent beings propelled around in automated vehicles and talking with synthesized voices. Oh, wait. That’s Stephen Hawking.

The CDC says that 35 U.S. hospitals are now equipped to treat patients with Ebola. They are the hospitals that don’t accept insurance and are cash only so they have no patients and can keep anyone with Ebola completely quarantined.

The New Jersey congressional delegation is asking the federal government for help with the crumbling economy of Atlantic City. When you are in a financial bind, do you really want to turn to an entity that has run up a $17 Trillion debt of their own?

The New Jersey congressional delegation is asking the federal government for help with the crumbling economy of Atlantic City. New Jersey asking for help with Atlantic City is about the same as the Raiders thinking getting a new punter will turn their season around.

A DNA analysis says that Richard III had blonde hair and blue eyes. Did they really need to use DNA technology to figure out that 15th Century England was ruled by a white guy?

Saxophonist Bobby Keys, who toured with the Rolling Stones for 45 years has died at age 70. His final words were “How did I get outlived by Keith Richards?”

A Virginia man has developed an armored plate that can make kids’ backpacks bulletproof. Which wouldn’t be necessary if the kids kept anything in their backpacks that could stop a bullet, say like a pile of school books.

A housing expert says that smoother days are ahead for the housing market in 2015. People are hoping he is right. Mostly just so that at least one housing market forecast will be right for the first time since 2005.

A California state senator is proposing a $13 an hour minimum wage for the state by 2017. Which would put more money in workers’ pockets not just from the raise but from not having to pay for gasoline for a daily commute from where they can afford to live in Nevada.

An analysis says buying a typical home in L.A. means needing an annual income of $96,513. Which works out to $96,000 for the mortgage payments and $513 for a year’s supply of Ramen noodles to live on.

The Russian government acknowledges the country will fall into a recession next year. The only question is how will anyone be able to tell?

The TSA says it confiscated a record 2,000 firearms in the nation’s airports. The TSA says it shouldn’t be of concern to most travelers as the airports where the guns were taken were only in cities that have an NBA team.


RadioShack and its lenders are reportedly fighting going into the holiday season. People were shocked. Who was actually dumb enough to lend money to RadioShack?

Hershey is exploring removing high fructose corn syrup from their products and replacing it with sugar. Which is about as nutritionally significant as if Paula Deen were to announce she was switching her main ingredient from butter to lard.

A report says that more companies are taking weekly polls to catch problems early. The number one problem with most workers is having to interrupt what they are doing to take a bunch of meaningless surveys.

Dish Network subscribers could lose CBS programming as a result of a payment dispute. The good news for CBS is that the most modern communication technology their viewers are familiar with are the rabbit ears on their Motorola TV set.

A survey says that employers are planning to hire more people in 2015, but 40% say it is hard to find qualified job candidates. Apparently it is harder than it looks to separate the Slim Jims from the beef jerky and to be able to punch six numbers into the Lotto machine.

A survey says that employers are planning to hire more people in 2015, but 40% say it is hard to find qualified job candidates. Who knew that having a resume that boasts of making it to level 24 of “Mortal Kombat” doesn’t land you a spot in the top floor executive suites?

Chicago’s City Council has voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $13 an hour. Which is good news for the muggers who will be able to use the extra take home money from their victims to keep up with the continuing rising price of bullets and ski masks.

A congressional committee is hearing testimony about defective airbags in U.S. cars. If the manufacturers could only figure out how to deploy a fraction of the air that comes out of a congressional hearing it would put an end to auto injuries forever.

A study says how long we sleep may be connected to our DNA. Specifically people who have passed their DNA along to their children who prevent them from having a good night’s sleep for the next 18 years.

A study says that millions of tiny bugs keep New York City streets clean of garbage by eating the equivalent of 60,000 hot dogs a year. Which means they still have a ways to go if they are going to try to take on Joey Chestnut in the annual contest at Nathan’s.

Alan Alda is challenging scientists to explain exactly “what is sleep?” To which most researchers say is what happens when anyone sits down to try to watch a showing of “The Four Seasons.”

A study says that boys may have meaner social traits than girls. Although the study may have been skewed by the fact that all the researchers collecting the information were still sporting wedgie scars from their years in middle school.

An analysis says that hospitals are making fewer mistakes that may have saved as many as 50,000 lives. Mostly not making the mistake of finding out a patient has no health insurance so they are sent home where they have a better chance of surviving in the first place.

Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to launch his latest comeback. In order to try to get back his old swing, he had to watch tapes of himself on VHS. Which is ironic in that his career has pretty much gone the route of Beta.

The University of Alabama at Birmingham is shutting down their football program. Which has really been a blow to team members. For one thing, they now will have to actually learn their way around campus to find out where some of these “classes” they have been told about take place.

The University of Alabama at Birmingham is shutting down their football program. The sad part is for the students who will not only miss the fun of attending all the games, but will end up in four years trying to get a job with a UAB diploma.

An analyst says the savings from falling oil prices will net the average American an extra Big Mac a week. To which most Americans will be saying that maybe blowing up the entire Middle East the past twelve years was really worth it after all.

An analyst says the savings from falling oil prices will net the average American an extra Big Mac a week. Which they will do since they can now afford gas to go through the drive-thru and not have to face the horror of actually having to walk to the nearest McDonald’s.

More than 300 rare Atari video games that were found in a dump in New Mexico are being sold on eBay. When asked for the name of the dump where the games were found, the sellers said “New Mexico.”

Researchers say that human beings started drinking alcohol 10 Million years ago. The first known occurrence was the wine that was served at Larry King’s first wedding.

Researchers say that human beings started drinking alcohol 10 Million years ago. Which was also right around the time that people invented the calendar and designated Saturday night.

Researchers say that human beings started drinking alcohol 10 Million years ago. The only question is what did they do while they were drinking every night for 9,999,950 of those years before TV was invented?

Apple has a new patent that will reportedly keep the screens on iPhones from shattering. It’s called not signing up with AT&T and throwing your phone every time you have a dropped call.

A new detergent called Real is being market for men only. If it is really was designed for men, it must be able to keep sheets and towels clean for the year they go between washings.

A new detergent called Real is being market for men only. Although if it were up to women to design a product to treat men’s clothes once they are dirty, it would come in a gasoline can with a book of matches.

Twitter is coming up with a new way to avoid abuse on the site. It’s called not having a Twitter account.

Chevron has begun pumping oil from a half billion barrel find in the Gulf of Mexico. It was the first half billion barrel discovery of oil in the Gulf of Mexico since Louisiana residents went down to the shoreline the day after the BP spill.

Researchers say that mice that were implanted with human brain cells became smarter. Mostly because if there is anything people’s brain cells can do better than mice, it’s find out where the cheese is hidden.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Wednesday, and that means one thing. Tomorrow is Thursday, which is followed by Friday and then it’s the weekend. I am trying to be positive about this. I actually am off work this Friday but don’t panic, I will still be writing my jokes. Now it’s time to panic. Or send the love, whichever comes first!

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