Sunday, December 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Adam Sandler tops Forbes list as the most overpaid actor. For every $1 he is paid, he brings in $3.20. And a demand for the return of the $8 each customer paid to see his movies.

Adam Sandler tops Forbes list as the most overpaid actor. For every $1 he is paid, he brings in $3.20. Coming in at a tie for second was pretty much every other actor.

Adam Sandler tops Forbes list as the most overpaid actor. For every $1 he is paid, he brings in $3.20. To which striking fast food workers say that is the best argument yet for paying them $15 an hour.

A poll says that half of Americans feel that 2015 will be better than 2014. The other half is just getting tired of saying the same thing each year since 2007.

A poll says that half of Americans feel that 2015 will be better than 2014. In fact, things are going so well that many are planning on buying a new 2015 model car to replace the one they have been living in since 2007.

MasterCard says that clothing and dining out drove U.S. holiday sales. Mostly from people eating at the mall food court and needing to buy a larger pair of pants just to make it back home.

A new issue of a jihadist magazine suggests there will be attacks on the U.S. The jihadist magazine is the one with the scratch and sniff ads that smell like a detonated IED.

A new issue of a jihadist magazine suggests there will be attacks on the U.S. The jihadist magazine is the one where you don’t want to stiff the paperboy on his tip because he comes to the door wearing a dynamite vest.

Incoming lawmakers are getting a crash course on how to work in Congress. The crash course shows them what members of Congress have done in recent years, like crashing the housing industry, crashing the stock market and crashing the economy.

A report says that three-card monte scammers are returning to the streets of New York City. However, there is still one street they stay away from that has the real experts on how to swindle people out of all their money. Wall Street.

A report says that three-card monte scammers are returning to the streets of New York City. Taking people’s money with three cards is still no match one card that was used to take entire fortunes. The business card of Bernie Madoff.

Iran says it is expanding “smart” Internet censorship. Which means people with Internet access now have as many as five government approved web sites to pick from.

Iran says it is expanding “smart” Internet censorship. Meaning if you are smart, you won’t try to look at anything on the Internet that has been censored.

A report says that people using surveillance software to monitor their partners has reached “epidemic proportions.” Although most people would rather have those people spend their time online stalking their partners than posting pictures of all their meals on Facebook.

Researchers have developed an “illusion coating” that makes objects look like something else or even completely disappear. Don’t we already have that? It’s called camouflage paint.

A Dutch museum has recreated the smell and sounds associated with the deaths of celebrities like JFK, Princess Diana and Whitney Houston. Although people might want to skip the smell and sound recreation of the Elvis Presley death scene on the master bathroom toilet at Graceland.

A 17 year old prodigy is showing evidence of Arizona’s flourishing ice hockey scene. As opposed to the sports Arizona is most associated with, checkers, shuffleboard and bocci ball.

A report says that marijuana use is up in Colorado, putting it in second place in the percentage of people who smoke pot. Rhode Island is first. Mostly for people who like to get high to imagine they are somewhere other than Rhode Island.

XBox and PlayStation gaming networks were shut down by hackers on Christmas Day. The bad part was all the ER visits by gamers who suffered serious eye damage from exposing their retinas to the sun by coming out of their basements for the first time in years.

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of shutting down their Internet. To which the White House says if it could shut down Internet access, The Drudge Report would have been offline years ago.

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of shutting down their Internet. Apparently Kim Jong-un’s administration says it was this close to getting millions of dollars in foreign aid from a prince in Nigeria.

A TV meteorologist in Texas has been released from the hospital after being shot at work. Although he says he is getting tired of police asking him what may have precipitated the shooting.

A TV meteorologist in Texas has been released from the hospital after being shot at work. Ironically a suspect in the shooting says it was accidental and he was actually aiming at a groundhog.

A Weight Watchers ad called “My Butt” is described as being filmed through the lens of a woman’s butt. It’s the first time anything on TV has had that description since we saw Katie Couric getting her colonoscopy.

North Korea says that President Obama was the “culprit” in getting the movie “The Interview” shown in theaters. Apparently they are mad that they wanted to be the ones to plant a bomb in a movie theater.

Retailers in China are changing the names of their stores to sound more foreign. Apparently people are tired of buying cheap crap from China and want to buy cheap crap they think is being imported from France.

Developers are bracing for the expiration of federal terrorism insurance. Apparently developers are worried about acts of terror that will leave their properties worth nothing. Mainly if Donald Trump is allowed to build in their town.

Scientists say they have created artificial human eggs and sperm. Which means we can finally see what it would be like if Cher and Bruce Jenner had kids.

A study says that researchers are closing in on a Fountain of Youth drug that delays the effects of aging and improves health in the elderly. The only question is what goes into a pill that makes you want to stay away from McDonald’s?

The FDA has approved an injection to prevent obesity. Ironically, it’s the injection of jelly into donuts that causes most people to be overweight in the first place.

A study says that doing complex jobs may help maintain brain fitness in aging. Which brings up the question as to how a job as complex as a member of Congress always goes to people with so little brain fitness in the first place?

A study says the average American gains one pound during the holiday season. Of course, the holidays in the study include Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, St. Patrick’s Day...

A study says that high blood sugar may slow brain growth in young children. Apparently it is hard to get the brain to work properly when the blood that is feeding it oxygen and nutrients has the viscosity of maple syrup.

A new app helps spot signs of mental distress in social media. The first sign of mental distress on social media is following Justin Bieber, Britney Spears and the Kardashians.

A new app helps spot signs of mental distress in social media. The first sign is wanting to have an app that helps spot signs of mental distress.

The controversial movie “The Interview” earned $1 Million on a limited theater run. Mostly in casinos with gamblers betting against it ever seeing the light of day.

Jennifer Lawrence was named the highest grossing actor for 2014. Movie experts credit her success in film to hard work, good looks and not starring in any pictures that feature Adam Sandler.

Tallahassee, Florida has made available more than 300 police reports that involve athletes from Florida State University. Although sports experts question identifying someone as an athlete who can’t even outrun Tallahassee police officers.

Tallahassee, Florida has made available more than 300 police reports that involve athletes from Florida State University. The good news is that all 300 athletes have been put on the list for consideration in the next NFL draft by the Cincinnati Bengals.

Stanford has launched a 100 year study into Artificial Intelligence. Which at Stanford, studying Artificial Intelligence means they will be examining students who graduated from USC.

Stanford has launched a 100 year study into Artificial Intelligence. Although 100 years from now, computers will be doing research on how they could have possibly been conceived by and built by anything as dumb as humans.

A Canadian biologist has let bedbugs bite her 180,000 for research. Or as most other people call 180,000 bedbug bites, spending a weekend at a Red Roof Inn.

A report says that U.S. cities brighten between 20-50% from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day because of Christmas lights that can even be seen from outer space. Which is left over from the old tradition of putting identifying bright lights on houses so people could find their way back home after getting plastered at the office Christmas party.

The oldest tool in history dating back 1.2 Million years was discovered in Turkey. The good news is that even though the tool was broken, it was replaced as guaranteed by Sears Craftsman.

The oldest tool in history dating back 1.2 Million years was discovered in Turkey. Which was a lot easier to find in Turkey than anything built more recently than 1.2 Million years ago.

The oldest tool in history dating back 1.2 Million years was discovered in Turkey. Although the only tool that most people associate being found in Turkey is the carving knife.

A study says that Sony’s hacking problems did not originate in North Korea. It can also be assumed they didn’t come from chairperson Amy Pascal’s public relations team.

Ride sharing company Uber is facing a class action lawsuit over a $1 safe ride fee. Shouldn’t the entire fare be considered by passengers to be a safe ride fee?

Ride sharing company Uber is facing a class action lawsuit over a $1 safe ride fee. Why is it that people complain about a $1 additional fee for a car ride but have no problem resigning themselves to board any airline flight with a briefcase full of unmarked bills?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. Only 362 shopping days until Christmas 2015! Just thought I would be the first to remind you. Now that the gifts have been exchanged, and most of them returned all that is left is to pay the bills. That will take place once we have paid off Christmas 2013, 2012 and 2011. One gift that will never be taken back is when you all remember to make sure to send the love!

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