Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Sony says it will release the controversial movie “The Interview” in a limited theater run. Apparently they decided to get into the Christmas spirit and give a big gift to all the movie critics.

President Obama supported Sony’s decision to release “The Interview,” saying “we are a country of free speech.” Unfortunately for Sony, that also pertains to the critics who now get to see the movie.

President Obama supported Sony’s decision to release “The Interview,” saying “we are a country of free speech.” Other than Sony trying to sue to block the media from publishing any of the embarrassing e-mails that were released by Sony’s hackers.

France is letting a 75% super tax on the rich expire. Mostly because the only reason any French people try to make a lot of money is so they can move somewhere other than France.

A House Committee says the IRS was “biased” against conservatives. Mostly because liberals don’t have any money so they don’t need to find ways to avoid paying all their taxes.

A study says that smartphone use is changing the way we use our brains. Ironically, when we have our smartphones in full use we put our brains into the “sleep” mode.

Security researchers say that hospitals will be increasingly hacked in 2015. Which sounds like a waste of time because who would want to steal the identification of all the patients who will be bankrupt once they are released?

The NFL problems with players’ crimes was voted the sports story of the year. Which couldn’t have come at a better time if you were working in the PR company representing Tiger Woods and Donald Sterling.

Florida has passed New York as the nation’s third most populous state. Which has sent the Department of Justice into working overtime to figure out all the problems that is going to present just in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

Researchers say that electrical implants may soon be able to leave arthritis sufferers pain free. Apparently the device works by getting people to forget about their arthritis by repeatedly shocking them into unconsciousness.

A Colorado gun rights group is saying legal marijuana users should be issued concealed handgun permits. The only question is what pot smokers even have any material possessions of value other than their stash that they need a gun to protect?

A Colorado gun rights group is saying legal marijuana users should be issued concealed handgun permits. Their argument is that anyone a pot smoker wants to shoot has plenty of time to get away while they try to remember where they put their gun.

A study says that blood pressure apps could be dangerously wrong. The way to test them is to see how high their blood pressure measures after they use the app that tells them how much they were just billed for their blood pressure prescriptions.

An Internet company says that North Korea is struggling to stay online after a major outage earlier in the week. In other words, things are back to normal.

Keurig has recalled 7.2 Million coffee makers over the risk of causing burns. It was the biggest threat of that kind other than the millions of people who are burned by paying $7 for a large Mocha Latte every day at Starbucks.

A study says that one in five Americans have tapped into their 401(k) prematurely. The other four have sworn to leave the $18 they have saved in their account until after they have retired.

The Ferrari used in the filming of “Miami Vice” is being sold for $1.75 Million. It even comes with a free wash, wax and interior cleaning every week as a way to give Philip Michael Thomas something to do.

New apps provide users with blood alcohol content levels. The only question is how accurate they are. A smartphone can also tell how inebriated someone is by how many times they use it after midnight to make booty calls.

The insurance industry has named its safest automobiles of 2015. Most of them are GM vehicles, since it’s tough to get into accidents with them since they are all in the shop for the latest recalls.

A reports says the surging economy is giving President Obama new power in confronting a hostile Congress. Although most people are wondering what makes the next two years any different than the last six?

26% of investors say they started saving for their retirement before they were 25. Which  in this job market makes them secure in knowing that they will have a chance at retiring sometime just after they turn 90.

A report says that jobless claims in the U.S. are are at a 14 year low. Mostly because workers’ unemployment benefits they have been collecting since 2000 have finally run out.

The Dow closed above 18,000 points for the first time after a strong GDP report. Economists were surprised. We still have a GDP?

Fog and rain delayed 3,600 flights across the country Tuesday. Or as United Airlines calls 3,600 flight delays, “Tuesday.”

A study says that weight training as well as cardio workouts are needed to lose belly fat. The only problem is that most Americans got their belly fat by seeing how many Big Macs they were able to lift during their lunch break.

A group is suing Aetna Insurance, saying they discriminate against HIV patients. The insurance company is denying those claims, saying they deny coverage to everyone, no matter what their illness.

The National Retail Federation says that gift cards have been the most popular gift since 2007. Mostly because that’s when the recession started and it’s the only way people are actually able to go to restaurants or fill up their gas tank.

A Utah man was hospitalized after chugging a quart of eggnog that partially went into his lungs. What are the odds that the eggnog may have had some alcohol mixed into it?

A Utah man was hospitalized after chugging a quart of eggnog that partially went into his lungs. That is one person who literally has to be told to quit inhaling his alcohol.

Radio legend Kasey Kasem has been buried in Norway, six months after his death. Apparently it took so long to bury him because have you ever tried to dig a hole in the ground in a Nordic country during the winter months?

Clint Eastwood’s divorce has been finalized. The 84 year old actor was divorced by his 49 year old wife after she realized that his talking to empty chairs wasn’t always a scripted act.

Former NASCAR driver Tyler Walker has pleaded guilty in a high speed chase that took police across three states. He should have known if he wanted to escape police pursuit all he had to do was get out of the car and run three blocks.

Former NASCAR driver Tyler Walker has pleaded guilty in a high speed chase that took police across three states before he was captured. Which explains why he is a former NASCAR driver.

Jets coach Rex Ryan says he believes he will one day win the Super Bowl. In other words, he is not planning on coaching the Jets much longer.

Christmas Eve marks the 20th anniversary of no NFL football in Los Angeles. It also marks the anniversary no football in Jacksonville for however long the Jaguars have been there.

Researchers say they have discovered the coldest spot in the universe. It is the temperature in the room where the picture was taken of Angelina Jolie meeting with Amy Pascal after Pascal called her a “minimally talented spoiled brat.”

Scientists at MIT have designed a computer network that can recognize objects as well as primates. As opposed to video game consoles that make teenagers’ brains become as advanced as primates.

Ancient eye cells show that color vision goes back 300 Million years. Which explains why Larry King still shows up only in black and white.

A study says that using smartphones supercharges thumb control in the brain. Which is ironic in that opposable thumbs are supposedly what sets us apart from the other animals, while being glued to our cellphones puts us right back in the mix.

A study says that using smartphones supercharges thumb control in the brain. Which is useless in that most people who use their smartphones constantly are pretty much spending their entire day sitting on their thumbs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will be taking a brief break for the holiday, so this will be it until next week. Thanks for reading my blog and letting me know there are people out there who like my jokes, no matter how lame or juvenile (two of my best qualities!) I will be back on Monday, so until then I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! It is still not too late to shop for my present, which as you know never needs to be anything more than for you to remember to send the love!

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