Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Russia’s former finance minister has warned the country is entering a “full blown economic crisis.” When Russia says it wants to go back to the days of the Cold War, they really mean it.

Russia’s former finance minister has warned the country is entering a “full blown economic crisis.” The only question is how can anyone really tell the difference?

Russia’s former finance minister has warned the country is entering a “full blown economic crisis.” People were surprised. When has Russia ever had a finance minister?

A poll says that only 29% of Americans under 30 send Christmas cards. Mostly because anyone under 30 has no idea what it is to send any kind of letter through the Post Office.

A poll says that only 29% of Americans under 30 send Christmas cards. The other 71% just send e-cards through the Internet between video game sessions in their basement.

A poll says that only 29% of Americans under 30 send Christmas cards. Mostly because the rest have no idea how to actually write something on those cards in cursive.

A poll says that 23% of Americans won’t exchange gifts for Christmas. Those people are called “husbands.”

Chicago is on track for the cloudiest December in decades. Which is unusual this time of year. Usually the city is at its gloomiest right around the time Wrigley Field opens up for business in April.

Pope Francis I lashed out at Vatican bureaucrats over how they are doing their job. The only problem with getting a rebuke at the Vatican is that H.R. there has the option to send your soul into eternal damnation.

Pope Francis I lashed out at Vatican bureaucrats over how they are doing their job. The Pope is one boss you don’t want to upset. He holds it over his workers’ heads that he has a direct pipeline to Santa Claus and has the power to put them on the “naughty” list.

Thousands of Americans called “preppers” are preparing for and awaiting a real life Apocalypse. Although they are a little late for what the rest of us already went through in 2008.

An Iraq reality TV show forces terrorists to confront their victims. Which is just the Middle Eastern version of “Judge Judy.”

Google’s self driving car prototype is reportedly ready for testing in California. Which isn’t the best place to test drive a self driving car as all it pretty much needs to know on the 405 Freeway is to put itself in “park” and sit there for three hours at a time.

Princess Christina of Spain will face trial for tax fraud. Which is different than getting away with taking millions of dollars from the government for doing absolutely nothing, which is otherwise known as being a member of the Royal Family.

North Korea suffered a sever Internet outage on Monday. The only question is how could anyone tell?

A Cuban official says the U.S. is to blame for his country’s economic problems. Although it was just their luck to model their national economy after Detroit.

An Internet data site says that Santa Claus should be making $140,000 a year. Which isn’t a bad take for running a sweat shop that takes advantage of cheap labor from little people and only having to work one day a year.

An Internet data site says that Santa Claus should be making $140,000 a year. Apparently they used the public service pay scale since he must be a government employee working just one day a year and handing out free gifts to everyone.

The Department of Education says it is hard making a ratings scale for colleges based on accessibility and affordability. Mostly because they need to wait until they can actually find a college that is accessible and affordable.

The Department of Education says it is hard making a ratings scale for colleges based on accessibility and affordability. Although there already is a ratings system that most people base their college decision on. It’s called the BCS.

The price of gasoline has fallen for a record 88 straight days. Which means it still has a ways to go to catch up with the fact that the price of gas went up for 12 straight years starting in 2002.

The New Cadillac CTS-V reportedly will be able to go up to 200 mph. That is just a bit faster than the record speed ever reached by a Cadillac driven by its owner which is just over 57 miles an hour.

Researchers say they can use Twitter to help fight mental illness. The easiest way to use social media to identify mental illness is to get the account numbers of all the people following Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber on Twitter.

The California DMV will miss a January 1st deadline to establish rules for driverless cars. Mostly because they still can’t even establish rules that will keep Lindsay Lohan from getting back behind the wheel.

The government estimates that Americans will save $550 on gasoline in 2015. Many of them won’t save a dime since they haven’t been able to afford a car to put gasoline into since 2008.

The government estimates that Americans will save $550 on gasoline in 2015. Which finally gives Congress something to do next year, which is figuring out how to put some sort of tax on that extra money.

Oil companies say they will cut spending 25% in 2015 because of the falling price of crude. Most of the cuts will come from not needing to pay for military lobbyists since they won’t need to start any more Middle East wars until the price comes back up.

A study says that mothers who are depressed when they are pregnant are linked to risky behavior in their kids when they become teenagers. Which is otherwise known as what happens when kids become teenagers.

A study says that mothers who are depressed when they are pregnant are linked to risky behavior in their kids when they become teenagers. Ironically, the mothers were depressed when they were pregnant thinking about what will happen when their kids are teenagers.

A new app shows what 200 calories of holiday treats look like. The answer is “Not enough.”

Scientists say that Christmas kissing is good for people’s health because trading microorganisms makes the immune system stronger. Which means it’s only a matter of time until someone tries to claim their holiday mistletoe as a health insurance deductible.

A study says that hugging can protect against catching viruses. But it won’t protect against the head injury inflicted when your wife catches you embracing your secretary.

A study says that eating junk food may lead to lower school results for U.S. kids. We would be much better off if we measured our kids’ success with a scale instead of an IQ test.

A study says that eating junk food may lead to lower school results for U.S. kids. The results will be in just as soon as researchers can find an American student who actually eats a healthy diet.

A study says that tablets and e-readers can disrupt sleep more than reading a book. Especially when your wife finds you are using your tablet to send Facebook messages to other women.

“America’s Top Model” was rated as the least watched network show of 2014. The show made so little money that the winner was actually one of the producers who lost so much weight from not eating she was actually mistaken for one of the models.

“America’s Top Model” was rated as the least watched network show of 2014. The show had such low ratings that it may be retitled “A Whole Bunch of Broke Girls.”

Jennifer Lawrence’s character of Katniss Everdeen from “The Hunger Games” is now a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s in London. Apparently foreigners in London can relate to what they call “The Hunger Games” when they have to live on a diet of British food.

Kourtney Kardashian has named her third child Reign Aston Disick. Apparently after Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their child North, there is a brand new competition in the family to come up with the most ridiculous name.

Heidi Klum’s ads for Sharper Image had to be altered for display at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas. Not because of censorship, but because the ad agency figured the last way to get people’s attention in Las Vegas is by showing them yet another barely dressed woman.

Darryl Strawberry’s deferred 1990 salary is up for auction by the IRS. The $1.8 Million yearly salary may be bought by the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown to show people how little money players were expected to live on just 25 years ago.

The CEO of Sony Pictures says the company didn’t cave to Kim Jong-un’s demands. He says people should know that movie companies have strong standards, and only cave to stars, critics and high dollar investors.

Cybercriminals reportedly stole $25 Million from Russian banks. Although financial experts are skeptical of the report. Mostly from wondering which Russian banks had $25 Million to steal.

Data says people use their iPhones to pay mostly at McDonald’s and drug stores. Apparently they use it for both so after eating all their meals at the McDonald’s drive-thru they can go to the nearest pharmacy and buy the latest weight loss supplement.

A hotel group is asking the FCC for permission to block outside Wi-Fi signals. The good news for customers is the FCC will put it off until they can finally figure out what to do about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction back in 2004.

A hotel group is asking the FCC for permission to block outside Wi-Fi signals. Mostly because the hotels want to at least be able to charge their customers to use their Wi-Fi while they are looking around on the Internet to find better room deals at other resorts.

BlackBerry is reportedly developing a self-destruct phone which will be able to render itself inoperable for security reasons. Or people could just get the same result by signing up with AT&T.

A poll says that 64% of 16 to 19 year olds feel the government should provide health care to Americans. The other 36% have parents who were able to include them on their health insurance plan at least until they turn 26.

A poll says that 64% of 16 to 19 year olds feel the government should provide health care to Americans. The other 36% have seen what happened when the government said it would provide water and electricity, watch over the environment and keep us safe in our homes.

A poll says that 54% of Americans approve reestablishing relations with Cuba. Especially Americans whose favorite major league team needs some real help with their bullpen.

The Obama Administration will investigate health insurance companies to see if they discriminate against people with costly chronic conditions. Which is otherwise known as the health insurance industry business model.

A report says that President Obama has taken relatively few vacation days when compared with other Presidents. The only thing Republicans complain more about than his taking time off is when he is at the White House signing executive orders.

A report says that President Obama has taken relatively few vacation days when compared with other Presidents. Apparently Obama is afraid to go too far away from Washington, D.C. because when he is gone, Joe Biden technically becomes President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only one shopping day left until Christmas. Or as most men call that, one day left until Christmas shopping season begins. I will be off my regular job the next three days but I will crank out one more batch of jokes for tomorrow just to be a real Scrooge and out a damper on everyone’s holiday spirit. Humbug! In the meantime, you can always spread the holiday joy this way by telling all your friends and even some enemies about this blog so I can get the numbers up. Still a little shy of the 7 Billion daily readers goal I set for this year, but four digits would be nice. Of course, you can always make me just as happy by always remembering to send the love!

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