Sunday, December 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Army is reportedly developing a wing flapping robotic fly. Apparently our latest military strategy is to annoy the enemy into surrendering.

A new digital “nose” will be able to be used in a breathalyzer that can detect diseases in people. So far the only illness the test can confirm is a massive hangover.

The Department of Justice has ruled that cross dressing is protected by federal law. Who knew that all those years ago J. Edgar Hoover was actually leading the way for civil rights?

The Department of Justice has ruled that cross dressing is protected by federal law. The sad part is that it means when people look for an example of a freedom fighter they have RuPaul.

An inquiry says that half the evidence in cases investigated by the FBI is mishandled. Which is to be expected because that is the half of evidence that is needed to be manufactured in order to actually get a conviction.

Scientists say they have located the brain’s homing signal that can explain why some people are better at navigating. Which is mostly because they aren’t men who will never give in to asking someone else for directions.

A study says that birds were able to predict a storm 24 hours in advance. Apparently it’s the same instinct that tells them when it’s time to fly south for the winter. When they see all the elderly New Yorkers packing their bags for Miami in November.

Sony Pictures CEO Michael Lynton fired back after President Obama says the company “made a mistake” pulling the movie “The Interview.” The studio was afraid if they released the movie, filmgoers could have been injured. Mostly in the riots that broke out when they demanded their money back from the theaters.

A report says there are more fatal heart attacks on Christmas than any other day. Mostly when people realize how much they spent on everyone else’s presents.

A report says there are more fatal heart attacks on Christmas than any other day. Although more Christmas-related deaths are caused by shootings, stabbings and beatings during the sales rush on Black Friday.

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Which is OK just as long as he remembers to register as an HMO.

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Apparently medical experts became suspicious when every time he prescribes a cure he says “Bam!”

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Which is still better than the other half which will just outright kill you.

A report says debt collectors are harassing millions of retired Americans. The elderly victims don’t report them to authorities because their tactics are a lot less aggressive and threatening than when they are pestered for money by their grandchildren.

The value of all homes in the U.S. increased $1.7 Trillion to $27.5 Trillion in 2014. Which is more good news for the banks that still own them after all the buyers went into foreclosure some time back in 2008.

North Korea has warned of “serious consequences” if the U.S. rejects a joint investigation over the Sony hacking. In other words they will take away Dennis Rodman’s visa and make him stay on American soil forever.

President Obama says that Sony “made a mistake” in pulling the movie “The Interview” over threats from North Korea. Apparently Sony didn’t want to take the repercussions for showing the film to moviegoers so soon after the CIA was so universally condemned for also inflicting torture.

A poll says the stereotype of men being last minute Christmas shoppers is a myth. Since when have men ever done any Christmas shopping?

The U.S. is seeking an $18 Billion fine against BP for water pollution in the Gulf of Mexico. To which the company is saying the water in the Gulf is still a lot cleaner than what’s onshore in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.

The U.S. is seeking an $18 Billion fine against BP for water pollution in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP is asking why the U.S. is even involved when it is called the Gulf of Mexico?

A startup company is renting privately owned cars at Oakland International Airport. Although there could be a bit of a problem when it comes to explaining it to the owners of the vehicles when they find out.

A startup company is renting privately owned cars at Oakland International Airport. The car owners don’t mind having strangers drive their cars because it is still safer than leaving them parked at Oakland International Airport.

Major League Baseball salaries reached a record $4.06 Billion in 2014. Now the players need to take steroids just to be able to carry home the cash they get from their signing bonuses.

Major League Baseball salaries reached a record $4.06 Billion in 2014. Which is really great for Cubs players who unlike players on other teams who have to pay money for new bats that break from making contact once in awhile.

A court in Michigan has ruled that mental illness shouldn’t bar people from owning guns. Apparently the judges feel that such restrictions are a violation of the Second Amendment. But just try to see how long you end up behind bars if you try to walk into their courtroom with a concealed weapon.

A court in Michigan has ruled that mental illness shouldn’t bar people from owning guns. Which means the NRA blames all gun crimes on mental illness so they can now team up with the courts to prove themselves right.

The National Labor Relations Board says that McDonald’s violated workers’ rights by retaliating against them for joining in minimum wage protests. Although what better way to retaliate against workers than to keep making them work at McDonald’s?

Lincoln Logs is coming back to the U.S. from China. Although when it comes to primitive forms of housing, today’s kids aren’t as familiar with log cabins as they are in living inside a cardboard refrigerator box.

An analysis says deaths from car crashes dropped 25% in the past decade because of safety gear. However, it should be back up to its old levels in no time thanks to the introduction of texting.

An analysis says deaths from car crashes dropped 25% in the past decade because of safety gear. That and the fact so many GM cars are off the road and can’t be driven while they are in the shop for the latest recalls.

California added 90,000 jobs in November. Mostly PR and crisis management representatives in Hollywood hired to put out all the fires over Sony Pictures’ hacking disaster.

E-mails reveal that Sony’s CEO was worried about the movie “The Interview” for months. Which was all for nothing as it turns out the real CEO of Sony all this time was Kim Jong-un.

E-mails reveal that Sony’s CEO was worried about the movie “The Interview” for months. It’s just too bad that he couldn’t do something about the movie earlier, like if he had some sort of executive power to make managerial decisions to protect the company and its image.

GM has reportedly developed contingency plans in case the Takata airbag recalls widen. Apparently the plan is to just recall all the defective GM vehicles and just blame it on Takata and say they’re all for airbag problems.

An analysis says that homeowners now tend to underestimate the value of their homes by 1.6%. Mostly because no one has enough money left to make offers for any more than about half the asking price.

An analysis says that homeowners now tend to underestimate the value of their homes by 1.6%. Mostly because the memory is still pretty fresh in their minds about how their last home dropped 90% of its value right before they went into foreclosure.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to both physical and mental decline. And pretty much vice versa.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to both physical and mental decline. Which finally explains why the people in the Deep South walk and talk so slowly.

A study says that e-cigarettes are less addictive than regular cigarettes. Which is like saying that meth isn’t as addicting as heroin, but it still doesn’t mean anyone should go out and start using it.

A study says that people who cook at home eat healthier meals with fewer calories. The study is called watching the people in line at McDonald’s.

Kris Jenner says she is not sure if she will keep Bruce Jenner’s last name now that they are divorced. Apparently any change would depend on if she is able to marry anyone with a more famous last name.

David Schwimmer has signed on to play Robert Kardashian in a miniseries about O.J. Simpson. While the program shows that Robert Kardashian may have helped Simpson get away with murder, it still wasn’t as big of a miscarriage of justice as the money the family got away with making “The Kardashians” reality show.

David Schwimmer has signed on to play Robert Kardashian in a miniseries about O.J. Simpson. If they are going with typecasting, they should use the “Friends” character of Joey to make up the entire jury.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he doesn’t think any team is trying to lose to get an advantage in the draft. Some teams like the Clippers find that losing is something that just comes naturally.

Laker guard Jeremy Lin says he would like to shoot game a game winner. The only problem is the only time the Lakers usually have a chance at taking a lead in a game is on the first shot.

Laker guard Jeremy Lin says he would like to shoot game a game winner. To which everyone else in the league says that all depends on exactly when Kobe Bryant is planning to retire.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there will be no NFL team in Los Angeles in 2015. Sadly for the people of Jacksonville, they will also once again go through another year without an NFL team.

A Wyoming man is recovering after being shot in the arm when his dog stepped on his gun. The man figures it would only be a matter of time before that happened after he named the dog “Cheney.”

A Wyoming man is recovering after being shot in the arm when his dog stepped on his gun. Although that will be the last time he forgets to replenish his supply of Milk-Bones.

NASA will run an experiment with twin astronauts, with one staying in space for a year with the other on the ground to measure differences of life in zero gravity. The only bad part is since they are twins, the one staying on Earth insists on dressing identically and wearing a space suit everywhere.

T-Mobile has agreed to pay $90 Million to settle claims of bogus charges on customers’ bills. Or as AT&T subscribers call bogus charges, their monthly statement.

Google is planning on integrating Android operating systems directly into cars so that they will be completely connected to the Internet. The good news is that drivers of GM cars can use the feature to download the latest recalls straight from the factory while the GPS system guides them right back to the dealer.

President Obama has given all federal workers a 1% pay raise for 2015. To which Ted Cruz says at least it will give them something to get by on when they miss out on the other 99% of their pay while he shuts the government down next year.

A war crimes case had been filed against the George W. Bush Administration by a human rights group in Germany. How bad is it when even Germany is calling you out for going too far with the way you treated people during a war?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Monday means only two more shopping days until Christmas. Which means only four more days until people need to be ready for the start of the post Christmas sales that will last into July. The good news is that when you are trying to decide what to get for me this year, remember that there is never a chance of running out of product or needing to come up with any money when you are sending the love!

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