Friday, December 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

New leaked e-mails from the Sony hackers say studio heads described Angelina Jolie as being “seriously out of her mind.” Which, looking back was probably true right around the time she was getting married to Billy Bob Thornton.

The Hyperloop, a proposed high speed transportation system is promising to make for a half hour trip from Los Angeles to San Francisco. The only problem is the six hours it will take to get through traffic in L.A. to get to the Hyperloop station.

The Hyperloop, a proposed high speed transportation system is promising to make for a half hour trip from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Or people in L.A. can get the same feel of going to San Francisco in a half hour by driving to West Hollywood.

Seth Rogen and James Franco reportedly have full time bodyguards in the wake of threats surrounding their movie “The Interview.” Although it’s hard to believe Rogen didn’t need bodyguards before to protect him from filmgoers who wanted their $8 back after seeing “Neighbors.”

A report says that Sony could lose $200 Million for its decision to make the movie “The Interview.” It could end up being as costly as if they gave the OK to release another Adam Sandler film.

A report says that Sony could lose $200 Million for its decision to make the movie “The Interview.” Although it was nowhere near as costly as the interview that ended up with the hiring of Angelo Mozilo as the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage.

A new wristband can detect when people fall asleep to record the TV shows they were watching. So far, the company says it has resulted mainly in millions of recordings of episodes of Showtime’s “The Borgias.”

ISIS has announced a new penal code which includes crucifixion, lashings and severing limbs. Or as Louisiana prison inmates call that, serving the warden a cup of coffee that is only lukewarm.

The European Court of Justice has ruled that obesity can be considered a disability. If that were to happen in the U.S., it would mean McDonald’s could make every parking space in their lot “handicapped only.”

The European Court of Justice has ruled that obesity can be considered a disability. It is only right that the decision came in Europe, as the cause of most of the obesity in the U.S. is those fries from France.

The IRS is warning that budget cutbacks could result in a delay in refunds. But just try to use the same excuse when you file your return two minutes after midnight on April 16th.

The IRS is warning that budget cutbacks could result in a delay in refunds. Which shouldn’t make a difference since it’s not like anyone in the U.S. still has an income.

A report says that bots outnumber humans on the Internet. The discovery was made when the biggest search for videos on Youtube were for robotic cats playing the piano and cyborg hamsters eating crackers.

A Dutch neuroscientist is attempting to upload his entire brain into a computer. Although if most men were able to connect their brains to computers, it would just result in a permanent search for Internet porn.

A strip club in a Denver suburb won a holiday lighting display contest. Although the reason they won is because used the lights to take the place of the usual pasties and g-strings on all their strippers.

A study says that airline pilots get as much UV radiation while flying as they would in a tanning bed. Which is good with the pilots who like to look tanned and ready to party when the flight attendants bring cocktails into the cockpit for the start of Happy Hour.

A panel says that the Secret Service is “starved for leadership.” Although how hard can it be to find someone to put in charge who can remind the agents to lock the front doors of the White House?

A World War II bomb was diffused in a German city after 10,000 people were evacuated. The embarrassing part is that most of the evacuees were people in towns in France who instinctively run when they hear there is a bomb somewhere.

Kraft has appointed John Cahill as their new CEO. The word on the street is that his management style is a little cheesy.

Carnival wants the public to pick the commercial they are planning to use during the Super Bowl. Football fans have a lot in common with passengers on Carnival cruises. Football fans hope their team wins with a Hail Mary pass, while Carnival passengers say a Hail Mary when they are boarding the ship.

The New York Attorney General is telling retailers to stop selling realistic looking toy guns online and in stores. He says it is a matter of safety, protection and besides there is a much better profit margin in just selling kids the real thing.

German researchers say they have found a flaw that can allow anyone to listen to listen in on any cellphone calls. Apparently that flaw is called the NSA.

The end of the Cuban embargo could be good news for car collectors who are interested in the 1950s automobiles which are common there. Especially for people who want to see what it is like to own a GM car without having to be constantly bothered with the latest recall notices.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” It’s about time a company official has decided to go against the grain.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” Other company CEOs were upset at the precedence, saying he needed to be hit with a two by four.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” Apparently he will just have to make it by on his $20 Million a year salary, pension plan and benefits.

The White House is loosening restrictions on goods that will help more Cubans gain access to the Internet. Which they want so they can keep up with all their friends and neighbors who they can look up on MLB.com.

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has offered a $20 Million loan to help keep the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City open. If Icahn knew anything about gambling, he would know he has a better chance of getting his money back if he gave it to the casino’s coffee shop Keno girl.

The NHL has signed a deal to offset the carbon output of its 30 teams. Apparently the league is worried about playing their matches on a film of water if global warming gets any more serious.

Experts say the recent drop in oil prices could send Texas into a recession. Although fortunately the state still has a cattle industry which means they are safe as the odds of Americans going vegan is about the same as hearing the phrase “Democrat Governor from the Lone Star State.”

Engineers at Cadillac have used technology to virtually eliminate the car’s blind spot. Although the biggest blind spot in most Cadillacs has to do with the field of vision of the 80 year old who is sitting behind the wheel.

A 103 year old doctor in California says that exercise is overrated. But then for most centenarians  who are stuck living in a nursing home, so is living to 103.

A 103 year old doctor in California says that exercise is overrated. Of course, after making it to 103 just being able to still breathe is enough exercise for the day.

A study says that air pollution can increase the risk of autism. Which is apparent when you see Dustin Hoffman walking around saying “Ozone level is now 443 parts per million...443 parts per million...ozone level is currently 443 parts per million...”

A study says that air pollution can increase the risk of autism. The new research has resulted in the script for a sequel to “Rain Man” called “Smog Boy.”

A study says that early sensitive caregiving can have positive effects on a child’s social and academic success. Which is just more bad news for Britney Spears’ kids.

A study says that the drugs Xanax and Valium are tied to confusion and falls. Which is why so many people want prescriptions for Xanax and Valium.

A report says that life expectancy has risen in every region of the world but one. That region is the one mile radius around any McDonald’s restaurant.

A study says that marijuana smokers have less inflammation than people who have never smoked. Although most pot smokers think inflammation is the act of lighting up your bong.

A study says that Ibuprofen may improve a person’s longevity. Although probably so will giving up whatever activity makes them need to constantly take Ibuprofen in the first place.

A Massachusetts woman says she was turned down for a job because she has an allergy to peanuts. Although it probably wasn’t a good idea for someone with her conditions to apply in the public relations department at Planters.

A study says that the inability to balance on one leg for 20 seconds can indicate a risk of stroke. It can also indicate a risk of being taken in for a DUI.

A study says that older cars are more deadly for teenagers to drive. Although once a teenager starts driving a car it usually doesn’t have a chance of getting too much older.

A study says that older cars are more deadly for teenagers to drive. In fact, they are almost as deadly when being driven by a teenager as a new car.

A report says the movie “The Interview originally was written using the names of a fake country and fake dictator. Now Sony wishes they had used the name of a fake movie studio.

Kris and Bruce Jenner have finalized their divorce and split their property. Each was reportedly willing to give up everything in the settlement as long as the other person got custody of Kanye West.

A movie starring Steve Carell that was going to be set in North Korea has been nixed by the studio. Now what do you think could have led up to that decision?

A report says that Michael Phelps will not serve any jail time for his second DUI. Mostly because of what could happen to him after his cellmates see some of the pictures where he is posing with with Olympic medals in just his Speedos.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. There is a word for students in Mississippi with a 2.57 GPA. Valedictorian.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. The only bad part is that many of the credits for the team’s classes were transferred over from the University of North Carolina.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. Usually the players’ grades are similar to most of the team’s passes. Incomplete.

A no confidence resolution has been drafted on UAB President Ray Watts over the decision to drop the football program. Although if anyone had any confidence that the football team could actually win a game, the program wouldn’t have been dropped in the first place.

A pair of Michael Jordan sneakers he wore at UNC has sold for $33,000. Which are just a few dollars cheaper than what it costs to buy a brand new pair of Air Jordan Special Editions at Foot Locker.

A pair of Michael Jordan sneakers he wore at UNC has sold for $33,000. The only shoes from UNC that would be more valuable because of how rare they are is the pair of shoes that Jordan wore when he actually went to class.

A scope that can be attached to an iPhone can be used to send pictures of children’s ear infections to doctors. Which would be ironic when the ear infection comes from having an iPhone up to their ear all day talking to their friends.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only six more shopping days until Christmas. Which means men have five more days to do other stuff before panicking on the 24th. I am pretty much done with all my shopping. I have decided to give everyone the gift of humor, my blog. No returns. Although I will never take back the gift you give me, especially when you put me on the Christmas list to send the love!

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