Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says this country “doesn’t need another Bush” as Trump is reportedly considering another run for President. Apparently Trump feels he is uniquely qualified after taking several businesses into bankruptcy to deal with a nation that owes $17 Trillion.

Sony’s hackers have threatened attacks on movie theaters that show the film “The Interview.” Apparently the hackers say they will assault moviegoers by replacing the film with a copy of “Grownups 2.”

An Indiana congressman says that Speaker John Boehner tricked him into voting on a spending bill. Which is a bit ironic in that Congress has tricked voters for years into keeping them on the job.

The Census Bureau says that 1 in 5 Millennials live in poverty. The other four live in nice homes in good neighborhoods. Mostly because that’s where their parents’ basements are located.

Hillary Clinton admits she hasn’t driven a car since 1996. Apparently Bill has arranged for a driver since then because after being caught with Monica he has been in constant fear that if she ever gets behind the wheel it will be to run him down.

Layoffs are reportedly starting at the New York Times. The worst part is that the story about the cutbacks were reported by the New York Post.

Layoffs are reportedly starting at the New York Times. It’s getting so bad at the Times that in today’s Obituary section the first name posted is the New York Times.

Analysts say that falling oil prices will spark more global tension in 2015. Which is still better than the tension caused by the U.S. invading all the Middle Eastern countries whenever the price of oil goes up.

A priest in Italy who was fed up with his services being interrupted by cellphones installed a jamming device in his church. Not only can they not take calls or receive texts, but he also says he arranged all their prayers to be rerouted to Satan.

A story in a New York magazine about a 17 year old boy who made $72 Million in the stock market was reportedly made up. Suspicions were raised when the reporter also broke a story after being tipped off about Prince Albert being trapped in a can.

Congress has ended a federal ban on medical marijuana. Apparently Congress wants the war on drugs to be the first war we’ve had in years that actually has an exit strategy.

A Nepalese eye doctor has reportedly traveled around the world restoring eyesight to more than 100,000 people. The only problem is that they go into shock when after getting their sight back, the first thing they see is his bill.

Several passengers on an American Airlines flight to Dallas were injured by turbulence. Which is nothing like the turbulence American’s passengers experience when they try to claim their luggage, find out why their flight is delayed or try to cash in their frequent flier miles.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s tumor has reportedly been reduced to half its size. Now all he has to do to get out of the headlines is to try to accomplish the same thing with his waist size and ego.

McDonald’s is rationing french fries in Japan due to a potato shortage, eliminating the large size and only offering small orders. Which is different than how they serve fries in America where people consider a large order still too small.

Coca-Cola is pulling out as a sponsor of “American Idol” after 13 years. Apparently their advertising department didn’t like how the show’s judges rated their new jingle as “A little pitchy, dawg.”

Coca-Cola is pulling out as a sponsor of “American Idol” after 13 years. The company thinks it would connect better with a more country music oriented audience who have teeth that look like they have all been drinking too much Coke for the past 13 years.

Sprint is facing a record fine from the FCC for unauthorized charges to their customers. Apparently they actually tried to bill customers for providing some kind of phone service and Internet access.

Phone companies in Illinois are pushing to eliminate their obligation to provide customers with land lines. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s a land line?”

Phone companies in Illinois are pushing to eliminate their obligation to provide customers with land lines. The only problem will be getting the people of Illinois to voluntarily give up their rotary dial phones.

A new company allows hospitals to save money by sharing equipment. The worst part is when they really try to cut corners and your surgeon has to share a scalpel with the person in the next operating room.

A new company allows hospitals to save money by sharing equipment. The worst part is being put on a ventilator with another patient and they get the “inhale” side while you are stuck with “exhale.”

Sony is fighting back against the backlash from hacked e-mails, hiring the PR experts that work with the NFL on crisis management. Which after seeing how the NFL has handled the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson cases, most people think they would be better off letting the hackers handle that, too.

Federal regulators say that big banks have returned to their pre-crisis lending policies. To which the federal government says they have a tough time telling anyone how to loan money when they have borrowed $17 Trillion that will never be paid back.

Federal regulators say that big banks have returned to their pre-crisis lending policies. Which is unfortunate in that if there was only some way those bank regulators could somehow regulate what those banks are doing.

Korean Air is facing a penalty over an airline executive’s tirade over how macadamia nuts were served caused a twenty minute flight delay. The airline blames the outburst on an old Korean adage, “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”

Congress has cut funding for the IRS back to 1998 levels. Mostly because most Americans are making less income now than they did back in 1998.

A study says that fewer Ebola cases have gone unreported than were previously thought. Mostly because it’s hard to convince medical workers you just have the flu when they are being squirted with the blood still hemorrhaging from your eyeballs.

The top calorie count requested on Google last year was for bananas which have about 105 calories. Which is unfortunate in that the people who really need to be googling calorie counts are the ones who just ate four Big Macs, three large fries and washed it down with a chocolate shake.

The CDC is telling men who have had Ebola to use condoms for at least three months. Which is really not that much of an issue because it’s going to be hard enough to even get a date when the person you are asking out just can’t stop staring at the blood hemorrhaging from your eyeballs.

A study says that obese kids’ brains have a stronger response to sugar. Which is pretty obvious since tossing a fat kid a donut gets about the same reaction as when a zookeeper throws raw meat into the lions’ cage.

A survey says the most common reasons people lose sleep are trading the time to be at work or for their commute. Mostly because being at work and on their commute are the only times they have where they can really catch up with their e-mails and scrolling through their Facebook accounts.

A study says that most kids don’t eat three meals a day. Mostly because they have already exceeded that number of meals consumed before lunch is even on the table.

A study says that most kids don’t eat three meals a day. Many eat just one. It starts at 7:00 AM and pretty much goes through Midnight.

A study says that yoga may cut heart disease risk factors. Mostly because of the time it takes for people to untangle their arms and legs from the Gordian Knot they tied themselves into during yoga class before they are actually able to pick up a knife and fork again.

A study says that e-cigarette use is rising among teens. Which shows the generational disconnect as even sneaking in a cigarette behind the parents’ backs has gone digital.

 A report says the number of cases of the STD chlamydia has fallen significantly. Which has gotten Hollywood gossips talking that it must mean Paris Hilton has a steady boyfriend.

A study says that the flu hits men much harder than women. Mostly because it just appears that way since when men get the flu they need to be cared for around the clock while they act like they have a combination of Ebola, Malaria and Dengue Fever.

The FDA is warning expectant mothers to not to get ultrasounds of their babies just to have as keepsakes. The worst part is that even before being born, it is nearly impossible to get a child to sit still for a photo.

A study says when teens drink, it is mostly likely the females who tend to pass out. Mostly because they are being given alcohol by the males who know their odds of being considered attractive increase the closer the woman is to being unconscious.

Tim Burton says he will direct the sequel to “Beetlejuice.” Which means if nothing else, Robin Thicke will finally have to give back that pair of pants he wore onstage at the VMAs with Miley Cyrus.

A report says NFL referees are on a pace to call more than 4,000 penalties this season. Or as that used to be called, the first half of any Raiders game.

A report says NFL referees are on a pace to call more than 4,000 penalties this season. Although the most common occurrence of yellow with the NFL this year isn’t the penalty flag as much as it is police crime scene tape.

The discovery of methane “spikes” by the Curiosity rover has fueled new speculation of life on Mars. While methane may be a sign of life on Mars, it is still different from the most likely sign of life in Georgia which instead is traces of meth.

Archaeologists in the UK say they have discovered “incredible details” surrounding a 4,000 year old man. To which Larry King is saying “Junior?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only eight days left until Christmas. I am definitely ready. For it to be over. Mostly because it is so hard to write jokes while Congress is in recess. The good thing about Christmas is that it doesn’t matter if you wait until the 24th to do your shopping, as long as you are just sending the love!

No comments: