Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that electric cars are not all that green after all since many use electricity that was generated by coal. Not only that, but finding a cord long enough to allow driving in a 50 mile radius is nearly impossible.

The Pentagon is reportedly developing a bullet that can change direction after being fired. Although so far people have been disappointed that the Pentagon hasn’t been able to change direction after Donald Rumsfeld was fired.

A cow in Idaho was shot and killed by police after it escaped from a meat processing plant. Apparently the cow wasn’t going to be captured by police or go back to the meat plant because it knew either way it was in for a grilling.

A new vigilante app has been created to help the Internet investigate unsolved crimes. Although the best way for people to avoid most crimes like bullying, scams and identity theft is to just stay off the Internet in the first place.

A study says that one third of Americans get less than 7 hours of sleep a night which could be affecting their health. Especially when their wife catches them sneaking in the house two hours before they have to wake up for work.

A study says that doing one minute of intense exercise can improve people’s health. Especially when that exercise is a full sprint out the back door when your girlfriend’s husband comes home unexpectedly.

Dick Cheney says he would authorize the military’s enhanced interrogation program again “in a minute.” Although instead of waterboarding them, this time they will just be threatened with becoming Cheney’s hunting partner.

If Congress doesn’t take action on a terrorism insurance bill, the Super Bowl could be cancelled. Last year the NFL took desperate measures to make sure even terrorists would be too timid to try to attack the Super Bowl. They scheduled it in New Jersey.

If Congress doesn’t take action on a terrorism insurance bill, the Super Bowl could be cancelled. Although now that the game will be played in Arizona, the only militant group the NFL is worried about are the Gray Panthers. 

The War in Afghanistan has now cost the U.S. more than $1 Trillion. Colin Powell warned that “If you break it, you’ve bought it.” Which means instead of invading, we would have been better off just offering them a few thousand dollars for the whole place.

Texas is weighing allowing open carrying of handguns. Apparently it isn’t a big deal there because many Texans find handguns just get in the way when they are already loaded down by carrying around their shotgun, AK-47 and grenade launcher.

A Brazilian photographer who has documented the effects humans have had on the planet says the Earth is “near extinction.” Although since the invention of digital cameras, the planet is still in better shape than the careers of professional photographers.

France will reportedly ban the ride sharing service Uber next year. Mostly because France is still the only country where the cab drivers actually have less body odor than their passengers.

Google is researching the power of color in the working world. Although most businesses care about only two colors. That is hoping they make enough green to stay in the black.

A study says that men who eat spicy foods tend to be alpha males. Mostly because it takes real confidence to eat lunch at Taco Bell and come back to the office for a one on one meeting with the boss.

A woman lawyer in California has been banned from meeting with her clients in jail after being caught having sex with an inmate. Apparently suspicions were raised when she said she needed to meet with the prisoner to go over his briefs.

Denmark is making a claim for the North Pole, saying they own it as it is geographically connected to Greenland. Apparently they waited until now to make the claim for the Pole because they knew if they did it while George W. Bush was President, he would have attacked them in defense of Santa Claus.

A group with ties to the Koch Brothers is comparing EPA regulations to torture. Although if they really want to torture someone, all they need to do is make them read through a few pages of an EPA environmental impact report.

A 17 year old New York boy from Queens has reportedly made $72 Million in the stock market. He is the first person to make that much money while in his teens without being able to dunk from the free throw line.

A 17 year old New York boy from Queens has reportedly made $72 Million in the stock market. Although since 2007, lots of people have ended up with $72 Million in the stock market. The only problem is they went into 2006 with investments of $5 Billion.

A report says that magic mushrooms were found growing in the garden at Buckingham Palace. Which is starting to finally explain how Prince Charles could have ever dumped Princess Diana for Camilla.

Tattooing animals in New York is now against the law. The punishment for any tattoo artist inking an animal will be to see how far they can get on a full sleeve tattoo on the leg of a hungry pit bull.

Departing members of Congress gave their farewell speeches, many lecturing on how Washington, D.C. needs to be changed. Although for many, if they had done some changes maybe they wouldn’t be in the process of packing their bags.

American Airlines says it will offer bonus miles for pricey flight fares. To which most American passengers consider a real bonus as getting miles with another airline.

The U.S. Mint says it costs taxpayers $90.5 Million a year to make pennies and nickels. Which is still worth it since that is the only currency most Americans can afford to have in their pockets.

The U.S. Mint says it costs taxpayers $90.5 Million a year to make pennies and nickels. Apparently with all that change being minted, the government is really being nickel and dimed.

Burt Reynolds’ Trans Am from “Smokey and the Bandit” was auctioned for $450,000. Which is too bad for the buyer who just two years ago could have completely taken over Pontiac Motors for the same price.

Burt Reynolds’ Trans Am from “Smokey and the Bandit” was auctioned for $450,000.The 1977 car still has the original tires, which still aren’t nearly as bald as Burt Reynolds.

A new tool on Skype allows people to translate video calls almost in real time. Mostly because most Skype conversations consist of someone saying “Why don’t you take off that top?”

A study says a chemical found in cans and plastic bottles can raise blood pressure and cause heart rate issues. That chemical is called Coca-Cola.

A Texas girl who couldn’t stop eating has lost 50 pounds after weight loss surgery. Most kids could also lose weight from surgery, if doctors could only figure out how to actually remove the sweet tooth.

A study says that smoking can interfere with the treatment of alcohol abuse. Especially when the alcoholics are smoking pot and they keep forgetting their appointments at the rehab center.

A study says that checking e-mails more than three times a day can cause stress. Mostly on the people who are uselessly trying to have a conversation with someone who keeps constantly looking at their cellphone for new e-mails every 30 seconds.

A study says that doctors’ offices lose millions of dollars a year through magazine theft. Mostly because when people have time to read the same magazine five times cover to cover while waiting for their appointment, they feel they can claim it as their own.

A study says that doctors’ offices lose millions of dollars a year through magazine theft. Mostly because many of the magazines on display in doctors’ offices are collector’s editions that have been there since 1947.

A study says that people who feel younger than their age tend to live longer. Which means the way Cher keeps trying to make people think she is still 50 means she could live forever.

A study says that people who feel younger than their age tend to live longer. Which is good news for Larry King who says he feels Paleozoic when he is actually Mesozoic.

A report says that injuries in tanning booths sends thousands of people to the ER each year. Mostly eye injuries from men trying to peek into a tanning bed to see if the woman inside is going all-over.

Mick Fleetwood writes about an affair he had with Stevie Nicks in his new book. To which most people are saying “Ewwwwww!”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie defended being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys despite a storm of criticism on social media. Christie likes the team’s tradition, its winning history, and the fact that their stadium has its own Taco Bueno franchise.

Cleveland Browns head coach Mile Pettine says that Johnny Manziel at quarterback gives the team its best chance to win. Aside from scheduling all its games against the Jaguars, Raiders and Jets.

Former Cleveland Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar says that the team’s management makes him “want to throw up.” Which is pretty much about the same as someone eating every meal at McDonald’s for ten years and then complaining that they have gained weight.

81 people were hospitalized at a junior hockey game in Wisconsin after the rink’s  Zamboni started leaking carbon monoxide. It was the most people ever taken to the hospital at a junior hockey game that hadn’t been assaulted by a hockey dad.

81 people were hospitalized at a junior hockey game in Wisconsin after the rink’s  Zamboni started leaking carbon monoxide. It was the most people who were ever sickened from hockey that hadn’t just sat through an entire Carolina Hurricanes game.

New York Jets cornerback Josh Thomas pleaded on Twitter for the return of his stolen playbook. Football fans were shocked. The Jets have a playbook?

New York Jets cornerback Josh Thomas pleaded on Twitter for the return of his stolen playbook. Stealing the Jets’ playbook is like someone taking Donald Trump’s binder full of instructions for hair care.

A copy of an Atari “ET” game from 1982 has made it into the Smithsonian games collection. Not for its place in video game history, but for signaling the start of the decline of the health, intelligence and ambition of the American teen.

An Australian turtle that actually breathes through its backside is reportedly near extinction. Mostly just for the fact when it has a health problem it is impossible to find anyone who will give it mouth-to-butt resuscitation.

A survey says that 39% of Internet users have taken steps to insure their online privacy. Mostly by finally ignoring any e-mails that originate from a Nigerian prince.

A survey says that 39% of Internet users have taken steps to insure their online privacy. Which thanks to the NSA can pretty much only be done anymore by going offline.

A report says the demand for solar power was up 16% in 2014. Not because people wanted to use an alternate source of energy, but because it was such a bad winter that they just wanted to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.

Best Buy Geek Squad members are at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport giving free tech support to fliers. Mostly people who have broken their laptops trying to get in touch with United Airlines to see why all their flights have been canceled.

Best Buy Geek Squad members are at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport giving free tech support to fliers. Mostly to people who can’t figure out how to navigate their way through O’Hare even with their GPS system.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is only nine days away. The best present you can give me other than large stacks of unmarked bills would be to tell all your friends about my blog, and to have them tell all their friends. And then have all of them send me stacks of unmarked bills. If that sounds like too much work which it is, a good alternative plan is to always just remember to send the love!

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