Sunday, December 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A movie theater in Russia has replaced their seats with beds to make for the feeling of having a slumber party. And also to cater to most of their customers who won’t be able to stay awake more than a few minutes into their next showing of an Adam Sandler film.

The Navy has developed a robotic spy fish that looks and swims like a bluefin tuna. In fact, it is so realistic that the Navy even added a toxic amount of mercury so that if anyone caught and ate it they would swear it tastes like real tuna.

Ads for Obamacare signups will appear on receipts at 7-Eleven stores. Which is only fitting since most people who need health insurance through Obamacare need medical attention from all the Big Gulps they have consumed over the years.

A study says that salt may be triggering headaches. Especially when your wife hits you over the head with a frying pan for always pouring salt over whatever she cooks before you even taste it.

A new bracelet turns people’s arms into touchscreens with a projector. The only problem is when you scratch an itch on your wrist and accidentally order the entire online catalogue at L.L. Bean.

Pope Francis I says that dogs can go to heaven. Except that collie that pooped on the lawn at St. Peter’s Basilica last week.

The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. Or for PG&E customers, if more than three raindrops fall in any one given area.

The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. The only question is how would a sun storm’s energy affect people who get their electricity through solar power?

The government is creating robots that will look after the elderly and help them eat healthily. Which is basically a can opener that can take the lid off their daily servings of corn mush.

Korean Air executive Cho Hyun-ah who caused a flight to be delayed while she reprimanded a flight attendant for not opening a bag of macadamia nuts has resigned. However, she has kept her title of Vice President of the airline that is owned by her father. Apparently Hynu-ah is Korean for “Trump.”

Former Chicago White Sox player Mark Gilbert has been named Ambassador to New Zealand. Apparently President Obama thinks athletes are a good fit for the position. In fact, he is preparing to name several former Raiders as ambassadors just as soon as openings come up in Iran, Iraq or Afghanistan.

Former Chicago White Sox player Mark Gilbert has been named Ambassador to New Zealand. Apparently President Obama likes the ideas of former athletes as ambassadors ever since Dennis Rodman got Kim Jong-un to pretty much go into hiding.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says he doesn’t know what part of the Constitution outlaws torturing terrorists. Apparently he must have cut law school class the day they went over the 8th Amendment and that whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing.

Fitch has downgraded France’s rating to “AA” from “AA+.” Although it’s not like anyone is going to loan France any money except to buy a can of deodorant.

Chrysler has expanded their recall of vehicles with Takata airbags, going back to cars made as early as 2003. Which is not that much of a concern since it’s not like there are any 2003 Chryslers that are still on the road.

Two out of three Americans say they blew their budget in 2014. The worst part is that they fell into debt for 2014 some time back in 2011.

Two out of three Americans say they blew their budget in 2014, mostly on dining out. Especially when you factor in the related costs of going on weight loss programs, buying larger sized clothes and having heart bypass surgery.

Chinese investment company Tencent has been given permission to start a bank. Which is pretty good, considering when Tencent started they barely had a dime to their name.

Chinese investment company Tencent has been given permission to start a bank. The only problem is that investors are a little wary, thinking they might be dealing with the little brother of 50 Cent.

The National Labor Relations Board has issued a rule that will speed up the union election process. Apparently their idea to speed things up is to not have the voting process run by companies that have union workers.

The National Labor Relations Board has issued a rule that will speed up the union election process. Which is great news for the three companies that still actually have union employees.

Disney is altering the perqs for their exclusive Club 33 members who pay $12,000 a year for membership. As opposed to the general public who pay $12,000 for admission, meals and souvenirs for a three day family visit to DisneyWorld.

Delta has introduced a five-tiered seating plan which has a Basic Economy class that has even fewer amenities than Coach. In fact, it is so bare bones that fliers need to pay to move up three classes just to make it into “Cargo.”

Congress has moved one step closer to allowing pension benefits to be cut for union workers. Labor leaders were shocked. There are still workers who have pension benefits?

Congress has moved one step closer to allowing pension benefits to be cut for union workers. Apparently the move covers all pensions still in effect except the one that has been set aside for members of Congress.

A poll says the standard of living in the U.S. has improved in 2014. In fact, most people’s standard of living has moved from a rating of “1929” all the way to “1937.”

A report says that health care in the U.S. for people 65 or older lags behind the rest of the world. Which isn’t that much of a concern since the obesity epidemic has been killing off most Americans before they even get close to reaching 65.

Studies are questioning weight loss programs that are based on mindfulness. Mostly because the problem with overweight people starts with their plate-fulness.

The FTC is continuing to crack down on weight loss scams. The way people can tell they are bogus is when they promise to help people lose weight.

The FTC is continuing to crack down on weight loss scams. Which are almost as big a scam as the federal government funding the FTC to be completely ineffective in helping consumers.

A study says that almost half of all U.S. kids suffer from traumatic stress. Mostly the ones whose parents let them sit in front of the TV set which only picks up PBS programming.

A study says that fructose may make people more hungry. Although by looking at most Americans, it’s hard to believe there is anything that could make us more hungry.

A study says that memory lapses in the well-educated may signal the risk of stroke. The only bigger cause of memory lapses in well-educated people is whenever they are called to testify in front of Congress.

An office party in Florida resulted in dozens of people being taken to the hospital. It also put the company in the top ten on the list of greatest places to work.

A study says that weight gain carries risks, no matter what the original weight of the person. Which means that supermodels are OK as long as they don’t gain more than three ounces at a time.

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that the town has 72 restaurants, all of them a Carrows.

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that there is a sign warning not to ask anyone “How are you feeling today?”

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that all of the gift shops feature shirts that say “World’s Best Great-Great-Great Grandpa.”

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. Most the people who live there feel they are too old to work but are still too young to move to Miami.

France’s President Francois Hollande wants to allow doctors to keep terminally ill patients sedated until they die. Which is a bit different from what people in the U.S. are asking for, which is to just be sedated until after the election season when all the political commercials are finally done.

An analysis says that men are 90% more likely than women to do something dangerously stupid. Mostly because there are still a few women around like the one who is getting ready to marry Charles Manson.

Leah Messer is expected to be back on “Teen Mom 2” after saying she wouldn’t return. Apparently she is trying to get her kids used to being on camera so that they will be ready in another few years when they all star in the first season of “Teen Grandma.”

The “Late Late Show With James Corden” is adding staff to prepare for its March debut. Most of the new staff will be working in the publicity department to try to answer everyone who is asking “Who is James Corden?”

Ann Marcus, a writer for the show “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman” has died. She was 93 years old, 93 years old.

Facebook has dropped a deal with Microsoft to show Bing web results for its search engine. When asked for a comment, Bing said “Bang. Boom!”

Facebook has dropped a deal with Microsoft to show Bing web results for its search engine. Mostly because people don’t need Bing on Facebook because the only thing they are searching for is all the pictures of what their friends ate for breakfast.

The FBI is warning businesses to be on guard against cyber attacks from Iran. Apparently their technology is just slightly ahead of that of North Korea, which now has the capability of actually making prank phone calls.

Google says it has locked down personal data is has collected following revelations of NSA surveillance. The search engine feels that if the NSA wants its users’ personal information, they can be like Google’s advertisers and pay for it.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says the secret of his success is making lots of mistakes. As opposed to AT&T, which somehow has managed to stay in business by being one big mistake.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines has bought 55,000 Windows operated tablets for all its crew members. The cruise line obviously bought them because of their practicality. Mainly their ability to double as a floatation device in the event of a sinking.

A report says that most organizations don’t properly secure their sensitive data. The worst part is that the report wasn’t actually finished yet but was leaked online by the hackers who broke into the research company’s computers and stole it.

Brazil’s banks have been ranked as the biggest threat to be hit with malware. U.S. banks didn’t make the list since no one has actually done any online banking since all their accounts were wiped out back in 2008.

A cave in Israel shows evidence that humans discovered fire 350,000 years ago. Mostly from the cave drawings depicting the first argument over the setting of the thermostat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only ten days left until Christmas. Which means there are only twenty days until the ads start showing up for the first markdown sales for Christmas 2015. The greatest Christmas present you could give me would be to make sure to tell all your friends about the blog. Especially any of you with a relative or friend who happens to produce a late night talk show. If that isn’t the case, it is still always an acceptable alternative to just keep sending the love!

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