Thursday, December 11, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that half of Americans don’t want their sons playing football. At least the ones whose kids ended up being drafted by the Raiders got their wish.

A poll says that half of Americans don’t want their sons playing football. Mostly because they know if their kids work on Wall Street they also make a lot of money, never have to go to jail for their crimes but also don’t have to worry about career ending injuries.

Retailers are using consumer neuroscience to get in customers’ brains to shape the shopping experience. If people used their brains while shopping, we wouldn’t see any of those ugly Christmas sweaters wrapped underneath the tree.

A study says there are 5 Trillion pieces of plastic floating in the ocean. That is almost as much plastic as there is floating around in the breasts of Pamela Anderson.

A new reality show features a man who is given 8 minutes to convince prostitutes to quit. They should just do what the other women in their profession end up doing. Hosting their own reality shows.

A new reality show features a man who is given 8 minutes to convince prostitutes to quit. The only problem is that it just takes him about 3 minutes to convince the viewers to change the channel.

A hallucinogenic drug known as “Special K” is seen as a possible treatment for depression. Although the drug still doesn’t cause as many hallucinations as the other Special K which has people believing that eating a cereal will help them lose weight.

A new movie called “San Andreas” is based on an earthquake that destroys much of California. The movie studio is still trying to figure out if it will be marketed as an adventure film, action movie or documentary.

A new movie called “San Andreas” is based on an earthquake that destroys much of California. If the big budget movie fails at the box office the studio will go to great lengths to determine who was at fault.

The FBI has left the door open for more agents to pose as journalists. To which Fox News is saying that isn’t right. Pretending to be real journalists is their job.

Ebola fighters have been chosen as Time’s Persons of the Year. The issue profiles whomever has done the most to influence the events of the year. Apparently the Ebola fighters won a close contest, barely beating out both the Kardashians and Grumpy Cat.

The Treasury Department is seeking to order survival kits for all its employees who oversee the federal banking system that would include blankets, water purification tablets and bandages. As opposed to the survival kits for bank executives that include several $100 bills so they can keep lighting their cigars.

A survey says that 18% of Americans will never pay off their debt. Those people are otherwise known as College Freshmen.

A survey says that 18% of Americans will never pay off their debt. The other 82% are young enough that they might have a chance at working the 50 years it will take them to get back to even.

Data says that there were 1 Million flights that arrived late in the first nine months of 2014. Aviation industry experts were surprised. They had no idea that United Airlines even had that many flights scheduled.

An expert says the holidays are a dangerous time for the nation’s prisons. It might be just a guess but the reason could have something to do with the fact they are filled with murderers, rapists and armed robbers.

An expert says the holidays are a dangerous time for the nation’s prisons. Apparently some of the inmates become sentimental when they think about Christmas season shoplifting, breaking into homes to steal the presents under the tree and buying the family presents with stolen credit cards.

France has changed its labor laws which allow stores to open on Sundays. Some people were against the move. Why do the French need an extra weekend day to shop if they don’t buy soap, shampoo or deodorant during the week?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie declined to comment on the CIA torture report. Mostly because his idea of torture is driving past a McDonald’s without turning into the drive-thru lane.

Detroit has emerged from bankruptcy. Unfortunately the city started its decline about the time we emerged from the 1950s.

Detroit has emerged from bankruptcy. The bad news is that the bankruptcy court changed its status from “bankrupt,” past “destitute” and put it straight into “lost cause.”

The NFL has toughened its policy addressing assault and domestic violence. Which is different than before in that they now claim to have a policy addressing assault and domestic violence.

The NFL has toughened its policy addressing assault and domestic violence. Which is good in that at least for now it takes the attention away from not having policies addressing drugs, firearms and drunk driving.

A singing nun gave Pope Francis I a CD she recorded that includes a version of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin.” To which the Pope said “Don’t rub it in.”

Instagram is now bigger than Twitter with 300 Million monthly users. Apparently 140 characters just isn’t enough space for people for the description they want to write about the picture of the meal they just posted.

A church in Alabama has set up shop in a sports bar. To which most people there figure when the University of Alabama is playing, what’s the difference?

Experts say that the recent cyber attack could cost Sony $100 Million. Sony executives say it could be worse. They could have signed Adam Sandler on for a sequel to “Jack and Jill.”

McDonald’s is going to cut eight menu items to speed up service. Mostly from not having their counter people always taking time to try to explain what the items are actually made from.

Law students at Harvard, Columbia and Georgetown universities are asking for a delay in their testing because of the grand jury decisions about Mike Brown and Eric Garner. The students were commended for asking for extra time to study with a better excuse than “My dog ate my homework.”

A report says that Millennials can afford to buy homes, just not where they live. Which makes it tough because it’s a long commute from where they can afford a home in Afghanistan, Iraq and North Korea.

Commonwealth Edison in Chicago will be raising delivery rates 11%. To which the people are asking why can’t they just sign up for Amazon Prime and get their delivery for free?

A study says that only 30% of college freshmen know how much they have borrowed in student loans. Mostly because they know that by the time they actually get a job in their field they won’t be making enough money or be able to work long enough to ever have a chance at paying them off.

A study says that only 30% of college freshmen know how much they have borrowed in student loans. The other 70% are apparently enrolled and taking their math courses at colleges in the SEC.

United Airlines flight attendants will all be getting a new iPhone 6 for their work. That way they can save time by calling all the airline passengers personally to tell them if their flight has been canceled as usual or just delayed.

 United Airlines flight attendants will all be getting a new iPhone 6 for their work. Apparently it is an agreement with the flight attendants union so the crew will be able to play Candy Crush while waiting in between all their canceled flights.

The CEO of Wal-Mart says the company will do away with minimum wage pay in 2015. Mostly because the store considers an unlivable pay scale as their maximum wage.

A cosmetics additive is being linked to lower IQ levels. Which finally answers a lot of questions about Snooki, Nicki Minaj and Ozzie Osbourne.

Researchers say that laughing gas may help fight depression. Especially when you take it at the same time someone else is talking after inhaling helium.

Mississippi is topping the list as the least healthy state for the third year in a row. Which means they list has only been around for three years.

Mississippi is topping the list as the least healthy state for the third year in a row. Which now explains why Alabama has adopted the state motto of “We try harder.”

A study says that poor sleep may raise the risk of developing dementia. Especially after your wife hits you on the head with a frying pan when you are trying to sneak into the house at 3 AM.

A study says that men with fertility problems also have poorer health. Although not as many as the men who have to explain to their wives why they are making child support payments to three other women.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. has been cast to play O.J. Simpson in a miniseries. Everyone is a little worried about him getting too much into character and what might happen when the director yells “Cut!”

Max Baer, who played Jethro Bodine on “The Beverly Hillbillies” is suing CBS claiming they made a deal to allow someone else to start a restaurant in Iowa called “Jethro’s BBQ.” CBS says they are innocent, mostly because every restaurant in Iowa is called Jethro’s BBQ.

CBS says that David Letterman’s last appearance as host of the “Late Show” will be May 20th. In a related story, the network also says that Paul Shaffer will stop laughing at his jokes sometime in August.

A report says that Louisiana is dropping into the Gulf of Mexico at the rate of a football field sized plot of land every hour. Most people just want to know how to speed things up until it gets to where the “Duck Dynasty” people live.

A report says that Louisiana is dropping into the Gulf of Mexico at the rate of a football field sized plot of land every hour. The good news is that because of the BP Gulf Spill that land is immediately reclassified as oil property.

Netflix says it hopes to air 20 new shows a year by 2019. Or as NBC calls 20 new shows a year, replacing last year’s cancellations.

EBay is considering massive job cuts in 2015 ahead of their Pay Pal spinoff. The good news is that eBay is expecting huge profits from the move as to make ends meed their former employees will have to sell all their worldly possessions on eBay.

Google has finished on top of the list of the best places to work by website Glassdoor. Although to be fair, Glassdoor says they came up with their list by looking it up on Google.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is just two weeks away. Which means New Year’s Day is three weeks away, which will be followed for many of us with bankruptcy filing just four weeks away. Just remember, when you are doing your Christmas shopping this year and are at the bottom of a pile hanging for dear life to that flat screen LED 1080 resolution TV just keep it in the back of your mind when you get home to get on the computer and make sure to send the love!

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