Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that poor children in Baltimore are worse off than poor kids in India and Nigeria. Mostly because the kids in India and Nigeria don’t get their role models from the Baltimore Ravens.

A report says that celebrities are switching back to flip phones because of privacy issues with smartphones. Which means Larry King may have been way ahead of his time by holding onto his cellular phone that still has rotary dial.

A report says that celebrities are switching back to flip phones because of privacy issues with smartphones. Apparently they got the idea from seeing Tom Arnold using a flip phone and realizing no one has called him in years.

A soap opera actor was severely beaten while he was taking a meal to a friend on Thanksgiving. There are several suspects in the attack, ranging from the woman both he and his stepfather were in love with, his long lost cousin who just came back from the dead and his evil twin.

The FBI is warning the military about their vulnerability through social media. Apparently they are worried that soldiers will give away too much information about where they are when they post pictures on Facebook of the most recent MRE they had for breakfast.

The FBI is warning the military about their vulnerability through social media. Authorities are worried that our soldiers will be perceived as weak and easy targets the minute the enemy finds out they are following Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber and Britney Spears.

Scientists say a robotic cheetah will be available to help soldiers on the battlefield within ten years. The robot can reportedly run faster than Usain Bolt which means it can outrun anyone in combat other than a French soldier in retreat.

Security researchers say a cyber ring stole corporate secrets to be used as an advantage for gaming the stock market. To which the companies’ executives are complaining, saying they thought of it first.

The NFL says it won’t discipline five St. Louis Rams players who came onto the field Sunday displaying the “hands up, don’t shoot” pose used by protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Apparently the players say it wasn’t about Ferguson, they came out with their hands up because they were playing the Raiders.

A study says that intermittent fasting, eating less on alternate days may be a better way for people to lose weight. Although most people on the diet aren’t trying to lose weight as much as they are trying to cope with the economy and having to get by with intermittent paychecks.

Sports Illustrated has named 13 year old Little League star Mo’Ne Davis as their Sports Kid of the Year. Which is different than what most swimmers and gymnasts are working on by age 13 which is their attempt at coming back from retirement.

Sports Illustrated has named 13 year old Little League star Mo’Ne Davis as their Sports Kid of the Year. Which amazed Barry Bonds who remembered when he was 13 he had barely learned how to use a hypodermic needle to give himself injections.

Analysts say that North Korea may be responsible for a hacking of computers at Sony. Tech experts were surprised. When did North Korea get Internet access?

Mexico President Enrique Pena Nieto has seen his favorability ratings drop to near record lows. Which is strange how President Obama has seen his ratings fall for letting people in across the border while Nieto is seeing his fall for letting them go.

The teen leader of the Hong Kong protests has announced he is going on a hunger strike. Or as American teens call a hunger strike, going through all 16 levels of Mario Brothers without consuming a whole bag of corn chips or package of Oreos.

A study says that airline food has gotten healthier over the past few years. Who knew the airlines were keeping passengers’ health in mind when they went from serving inedible garbage to giving them nothing?

A report says that malls are upgrading attractions and services in order to attract holiday shoppers. Some are now offering areas to watch Gap workers fold the same sweater seven times, guess what the stain is on Santa’s lap and get a thirty second head start out the door ahead of the parking lot muggers.

The Census says that self-storage businesses have doubled from 1998-2012. Mostly because people find it is just too take all the things they had in their home before it was foreclosed and find room for them in the car they are now living in.

A study says the items in “The 12 Days of Christmas” would now cost $28,000. Which is still cheaper than buying all the electronic devices, video games and toys which make up the family’s Christmas gift list.

Girl Scout cookies have gone digital for the first time. Apparently the idea is they can sell more cookies online, especially for people who can’t get off the couch and make it to the door to order them in person.

An analysis says the Pentagon spent $46 Billion on 12 weapons systems projects they never finished. Mostly because during that same time they were two busy fighting two wars that they never bothered to finish.

An analysis says that North American airlines stand to see earnings go up by 73% in 2015 because of lower fuel prices. They would go even higher except now they won’t be able to pass the hat around before flights asking passengers to chip in for gas before they can take off.

An analysis says that North American airlines stand to see earnings go up by 73% in 2015 because of lower fuel prices. That, along with the 73% increase in the number of fees they have come up with to charge passengers on every flight.

A study says that job seekers with foreign sounding names have to send out twice the number of resumes to find work. Especially people from India and Pakistan who need to send out twice the number of resumes just to fit their entire name on.

A study says that job seekers with foreign sounding names have to send out twice the number of resumes to find work. Which gives at least a partial explanation as to why Shia LeBeouf hasn’t been able to find any work the past five years.

Pizza Hut is testing out technology that allows customers to order by what menu items they are looking at the longest. The embarrassing part is when a man has to explain to his wife why his topping list is pepperoni, olives and the counter girl’s backside.

Pizza Hut is testing out technology that allows customers to order by what their subconscious likes on the menu. Which means in the not too distant future our driverless cars will take us to where we can order with our subconscious and eat entire meals without having to wake up.

An official with the Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy’s dreary days may be over. In fact, he says it may not be too long before we are all the way up to dismal, drab and maybe even somber.

GM is recalling 316,000 vehicles that have faulty headlights. The cars need to have their headlights working so their owners can find their way to the dealer when they are notified in the middle of the night of all the other defects their car is being recalled for.

The New Horizon spacecraft is approaching Pluto nine years after its launch. The worst part is when it the New Horizon finds out that Pluto lost its planet status and that it just traveled 4.67 Billion miles to go and visit a big rock.

A study says that midnight snacks can hurt people’s memory. Especially when they get on the scale and have no idea why they have gained 50 pounds in the past year.

A study says that students who miss breakfast don’t fare any worse in class. Especially the ones who don’t eat a dozen Pop Tarts and can’t keep their eyes open past making it to homeroom.

A study says that students who miss breakfast don’t fare any worse in class. Especially the ones who aren’t still at the breakfast table by the time lunch break rolls around.

President Obama has signed a law for better sunscreens. Which is seen as a major victory in that is the farthest the Democrats have ever gotten the Republicans to do something about the effects of global warming.

President Obama has signed a law for better sunscreens. Apparently Republicans only signed on to the legislation because they are worried about how much time Speaker John Boehner has been spending in the tanning booth.

A study says that high school football is tied to brain changes, even for players who haven’t had concussions. Especially the ones who realize if they become good enough it doesn’t matter if they have concussions since they can get all the way through college without ever having to go to class.

A report says GlaxoSmithKline leads all pharmaceutical companies in getting drugs to poor people. The only problem is that the people who got the drugs weren’t poor until after they had to pay all their prescription bills.

A study says that diabetes in middle age can lead to memory problems later in life. Which is interesting because they got diabetes in the first place by never failing to remember where they hid their boxes of doughnuts and bags of chips.

A study by AAA says that 90% of seniors say they have had no accidents or moving violations in the past two years. Which shows that the other 10% of seniors are either poor drivers or still have some memory left.

Beyonce and Rihanna have inspired a course on feminism at the University of Texas. Mostly because the only way to sell feminism to Texan men is to show off hot women who wear skimpy outfits and make a lot of money.

Beyonce and Rihanna have inspired a course on feminism at the University of Texas. Which ironically are two examples of people who have never set foot on a college campus and are making way more money than anyone who will ever graduate from UT.

“Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro has admitted to driving while impaired in New York City. He says next time he will try to remember that the rum is supposed to go into the cake.

“Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro has admitted to driving while impaired in New York City. He feels that his fine and suspended license were enough, but figured adding an apology would just be the icing on the cake.

A report says that most Major League Baseball PED violations were from the ADHD drug Adderall. Apparently some ball players were too hyper and needed something to calm them down so they could learn to inject themselves with steroids.

Janay Rice says the Baltimore Ravens gave her and husband Ray Rice “a general script” for their news conference. Apparently Ray Rice’s script said “I’m sorry” and Janay’s said “Duck!”

Scientists say they are working on a breath test that can detect marijuana. Apparently it works when the person exhales and it can determine if there are even trace amounts in their system of Oreos, Doritos or Krispy Kremes.

A report says that by 2020, 150 Million cars will be connected to the Internet. Which means that about 75 Million of the cars will eventually be connected to each other when their drivers collide because they were distracted by posting on Facebook while driving.

A report says that by 2020, 150 Million cars will be connected to the Internet. Which is great for GM which will be able to alert new car owners about their first recall before they are even able to make it all the way home from the dealership.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now December, which always makes me cringe when people say “Can you believe it is already December?” Umm, actually yes I can. Mostly because we just got done with November and we had ten months before that to signal its eventual arrival. If it caught you off guard perhaps it’s time to buy a calendar. OK, that’s my rant for today. I don’t really care which month it is, I am always pleasantly surprised when you all make sure to remember to send the love!

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