Sunday, November 09, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The USDA has approved a genetically modified potato. Which is only fitting since most Americans have been genetically changed from eating so many french fries.

The USDA has approved a genetically modified potato. It would be the first modification of the potato since Dan Quayle made it the “potatoe.”

An archaeologist is proposing the Colosseum in Rome be renovated into a modern venue for sports and entertainment. Which isn’t a bad idea since it still has a better plumbing system than the Oakland-Alameda Coliseum.

Critics say that movies are becoming too loud to understand dialogue. Except in Adam Sandler movies where it is much more annoying when you can actually hear what the actors are saying.

The FBI admits an agent impersonated an AP reported in a 2007 attempt to catch a bomber. What’s worse for AP is that the story was broken by Reuters.

The FBI admits an agent impersonated an AP reported in a 2007 attempt to catch a bomber. Suspicions were raised at the time when the agent started off each news interview not with a question but with reading their Miranda rights.

A report says that 50% of today’s occupations will no longer exist by 2025. Which most people would be fine with as long as the half that are gone include politicians, TV evangelists and telephone marketers.

“Face The Nation” celebrated its 60th year on the air. Which is still 20 years younger than most of the program’s guests.

British police reportedly foiled a plan to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II. Although some people are beginning to doubt the validity of the claim since the suspect named is Reggie Jackson after some police investigators watched “The Naked Gun.”

A report says the world’s richest 85 people have as much wealth as the 3.5 Billion poorest. Which is great news for those 3.5 Billion people who find they have something in common with the wealthiest people on the planet.

China is building a computer network they claim is impenetrable by hackers. It’s the first technology from China that outsiders have have been completely stumped by since the abacus.

A study says that older adults should break their sedentary behavior by getting up nine times for every hour they are sitting. Otherwise known to men over 60 as having to go try to pee again.

A new startup is building sensors that analyze users’ sweat to track their health. Apparently the best time to use it to get maximum sweat is right when the person opens up their monthly 401(k) statement.

A house in Flint, Michigan is being sold for $188. The worst part is for the property’s realtor who has to be thinking it’s time for a new career when sales commissions are coming in at $14.

A house in Flint, Michigan is being sold for $188. What’s even worse is that it comes with a fixer upper kit that consists of a can of gasoline and a book of matches.

Conservative American Cardinal Raymond Burke, an outspoken opponent of accepting gay people into the Church has been demoted by Pope Francis I. The setback came right before he getting ready for his life long dream of leading round two of the Inquisition.

The world’s largest ship fuel suppler has gone bankrupt. The worst part for most people will now be getting stuck behind a Carnival cruise ship while waiting to get gas at the 7-Eleven.

A report says that 40% of the water pipes in Los Angeles are graded C or worse. Fortunately, the other 60% of water in L.A. is delivered by Perrier truck.

A federal judge has approved a plan to take Detroit out of bankruptcy. The city owes more than $18 Billion to 100,000 creditors. Which brings up the question is how were 100,000 businesses duped into loaning Detroit money?

A federal judge has approved a plan to take Detroit out of bankruptcy. Apparently Detroit’s status was simply changed from “city” to “write off.”

Former UNC football player Michael McAdoo is suing the school over fake classes for breaking its promise to give him an quality education. The worst evidence against the school is that he had to sign the lawsuit with an X.

Former UNC football player Michael McAdoo is suing the school over fake classes for breaking its promise to give him an quality education. It doesn’t look good for the school, especially since in the lawsuit it is spelled “kwalitee edyookashun.”

Former Soviet leader Mikail Gorbachev says the world is on the brink of a new Cold War. Which means that since he is still alive and Ronald Reagan is dead, this time Gorbachev wins.

Former Soviet leader Mikail Gorbachev says the world is on the brink of a new Cold War. But fortunately, because of global warming it will only actually be a Tepid War.

A report says it will take 81 years to close the gender pay gap around the world. Coincidentally, because of the gender pay gap 81 years is the average age most women will be able to think about being able to retire.

China has approved a $113 Billion infrastructure project. If you think we have infrastructure problems in the U.S., they have one wall over there that has been in need of repair for nearly 2,000 years.

Congressional pressure is building for action on faulty airbags made by Takata. Although Congress is being warned that too much pressure is what made Takata airbags explode on impact in the first place.

The Adventurers Club of Los Angeles has voted to stay as a men’s only organization. Because of that, it was suggested that the club’s next journey should be to try to venture out of the 1920s.

The unemployment rate has dropped to 5.8%. Which is why the Democrats lost the last election since all the people who supported President Obama during the recession couldn’t make it to the polls because they finally actually had jobs to go to.

Several iconic pieces from Madonna’s personal life and career are up for auction. Pretty much just like her personal life and career.

A study says that teens are not taking sports injuries seriously. Mostly because today’s teens consider a sports injury pulling a muscle in their thumb while they are sitting on the couch playing Wii tennis.

A poll says the Ebola panic is starting to fade. Mostly because Republicans stopped talking about it since they won the elections and don’t have to try to make it into a political issue anymore.

The WHO has set new guidelines for safely burying Ebola victims. Apparently it is a bit different from the standards being demanded by many Americans in that it calls for burial to take place after the patient has actually died.

The Ebola scare has hit a nudist tourist spot in the Canary Islands. Although Ebola is nowhere near as frightening as the thought of seeing European tourists walking naked around a beach.

Cosmetic surgery is being used to repair large ear piercings in men that are keeping them out of military service. The only other solution for men with elongated earlobes is to throw them over their shoulder like a continental soldier.

Doctor implanted balloons may be used to help people lose weight. The only problem is that whenever one of the patients rubs their tummy everything starts to stick to them.

A study says having a sense of purpose helps people live longer. Which is just more bad news for any government workers.

A study says having a sense of purpose helps people live longer. Which means maybe there is finally a good reason to go to college and get a degree in philosophy.

A study says that having EpiPens in schools could save lives. Mostly because there is no longer any way to confuse them with writing pens that haven’t been seen at schools since the invention of the smartphone and iPad.

Jennifer Lopez says having a huge entourage damaged her relationships. Especially when she had so many people following her around she forgot which one she was actually supposed to be dating.

Prosecutors in New Zealand have dropped charges against AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd involving murder for hire. Apparently officials felt it was more important to look at the good side of his actions during the global recession in that by hiring hitmen he was actually trying to create jobs.

Prosecutors in New Zealand have dropped charges against AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd involving murder for hire. Instead officials are pursuing more provable charges which include damaging the eardrums of approximately 20 Million teenagers over the years.

Bill Cosby’s private art collection will be on display at the Smithsonian. Apparently he still regrets the one piece of art he tried to commission that was never completed was an Andy Warhol painting of a Jello Pudding Cup.

A new book claims that Bob Dylan proposed making an album together with the Beatles and Rolling Stones back in 1969. Either that or he was actually saying he liked listening to bugles and eating rolls and scones.

Lindsay Lohan’s therapist says her role in a London play has been the key to her recovery. Also for the fact that it is perfectly acceptable there to drive a car on the other side of the road.

The adult film industry is urging Google to help fight porn piracy. Although when most people think of porn and pirates, they usually think about movies where an eye patch is pretty much all that anyone is wearing.

The adult film industry is urging Google to help fight porn piracy. Although when most people think of porn and pirates, they imagine a man telling a woman that isn’t a wooden leg she is feeling.

A 9,000 year old mummified bison has been discovered. It will be examined by researchers and then given back to where it was found, on the buffet table at a local Sizzler.

Jerry Seinfeld says he may be autistic. People began to suspect that when on one of the episodes of “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” the only thing he did the whole show was keep repeating “I’m an excellent driver.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just reached a personal milestone over the weekend, making my one millionth jump for the year with my jump rope. If I had a nickel for every one of those jumps I would sure be making a lot more than I am doing this. And deservedly so. In fact, most people say it would be more interesting to watch someone jumping rope than it is to read these jokes. At least I have kept the price for the jokes pretty reasonable over the years. All I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!

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