Friday, November 07, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Interpol is warning that jihadists are taking cruise ships to join extremists in Syria and Iran. Apparently there is no better initiation to prove a jihadist’s commitment to the cause than being able to survive a week with Carnival.

Interpol is warning that jihadists are taking cruise ships to join extremists in Syria and Iran. If you happen to find yourself on a cruise ship with a dual destination of Syria and Iran that is full of terrorist candidates, it’s time to start looking for a new travel agent.

A London house has the world’s most expensive asking price of $1.58 Billion. Although any Brit will tell you it is still a drop in the bucket compared to the monetary and emotional expenses involved in the world’s biggest money pit at Buckingham Palace.

French President Francois Hollande has seen his popularity drop to 12%. If it gets any lower, he will be considered as a possible candidate to run for the U.S. Congress.

French President Francois Hollande has seen his popularity drop to 12%. How bad has it gotten when even the French consider you to be too unlikeable?

Iran says it will punish dog owners with 74 lashes. Which is going to be a real shock, especially to any dog owning terrorists who thought the deal was for 74 virgins.

Iran says it will punish dog owners with 74 lashes. And if that doesn’t work, they will also be hit on the snout with a rolled up newspaper.

A UK committee says that the mental health of children is at risk in the digital age. Fortunately, sitting in front of a computer all day ruins their physical health so much they won’t live long enough to go crazy.

House Speaker John Boehner says that President Obama risks burning all his bridges in Congress if he acts on his own with immigration reform. He says Congress would like to work with the President, just as soon as they take 50 more votes to repeal Obamacare.

China is trying to clean up “harmful” web videos. The sweep could shut down half the web sites now available to Chinese people on the Internet, which would still leave them to choose from the remaining five.

Researchers say they have been successful with brain to brain communication, where one person can control another’s movements with their thoughts. That’s been around for years. Just ask any man who has forgotten his wife’s birthday and knows without being told he will be sleeping on the couch.

Japanese scientists say the have developed see-through mice. Which answers the question of why you may see your cat reading a comic book to get the forms to send away for a pair of X-Ray specs.

Residents at New York City’s Trump Plaza may have to spend as much as a million dollars to buy the land under the building from the owners. The tenants say they have already suffered enough having to live in a building with a sign that says “Trump.”

Conservative filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza says the GOP should slap “legislative shackles” on President Obama. Which is an interesting choice of words from a convicted felon who just escaped having to wear a pair himself in prison.

Civil War hero Alonzo Cushing received his Medal of Honor 151 years after his actions at the Battle of Gettysburg. Even better news is that his number has finally been called at the line of patients in the waiting room of the VA hospital.

A report says that delays and cancellations were up in September for U.S. airlines. Which is another way of saying that United Airlines was back up to running a full schedule.

Starbucks is bringing back its eggnog latte after a customer revolt spread from letters to phone calls to social media. If the Democrats had half that ability to charge people up to take action they might not have been crushed at the polls last Tuesday.

Bubbles, army men and Rubik’s Cube were selected to the National Toy Hall of Fame. Mostly because that’s the only place you will find them as none of them has been on an actual toy store shelf since 1985.

Bubbles, army men and Rubik’s Cube were selected to the National Toy Hall of Fame. When told of the news, most kids looked up from their PS3, Xbox and Wii and asked “What are toys?”

The Post Office says it will deliver seven days a week during the holidays. Which means people have a much better chance this year of getting the package they were shipped just days before Christmas. In 2004.

A study says that women in tech make less money than men because they don’t ask for as much. It’s just too bad they don’t use their tech knowledge to try to access some way to find out what their male coworkers are making, say by typing it in on Google.

A study says that women in tech make less money than men because they don’t ask for as much. But women in tech are used to setting their sites low, especially the ones who go out on dates with their coworkers.

Target has appointed a new information security chief. He has already diverted most of the hackers who would normally be trying to get customers’ credit card numbers to instead be looking for the latest pictures of Alex from Target.

A study says that kids’ apps collect a shocking amount of data. For one thing, children could have their personal medical information accessed and it could be revealed to all their friends that they have cooties.

Wal-Mart will start marketing college themed merchandise from 270 schools. Which will be sad for store employees who will realize if they had gone to any of those colleges they wouldn’t have to be working at Wal-Mart.

The head of a Bitcoin firm has been charged with the first of its kind Ponzi scheme involving Internet currency. It is the biggest fraud ever associated with Bitcoin other than the creation of Bitcoin.

Disney has released the title of the seventh “Star Wars” movie, called “The Force Awakens.” Which is nice because it seems like it pretty much fell asleep somewhere in the middle of movie number three.

Amazon has introduced its voice activated speaker called “Alexa.” The bad part is she has only been around a few days and is already spreading rumors that Siri has herpes.

A study says that people should not tell their friends the details of the vacation they just took. Mostly because they are probably already tired of looking at each of the 500 vacation photos they have downloaded onto all their friends’ Facebook pages.

A study says that people should not tell their friends the details of the vacation they just took. Now all they need to learn is to not tell their friends about their personal problems, their love life or their financial situation.

A study says that answering e-mails after work is bad for a person’s health. Especially when your wife sees most the e-mails are selfies being sent from the 19 year old blonde intern you just started working with.

A study says that some painkillers can increase the risk of death after having a stroke. Possibly because the person just had a stroke.

Research says that weight loss surgery is as safe as having an appendix or gall bladder removed. Although there is a much better way to lose weight than by trying to reduce the number of internal organs you are carrying around.

A study says that 75% of people say they still text while they drive. The other 25% are still picking the splinters out of their face after running their car into a tree while they were busy texting.

A study says that 75% of people say they still text while they drive. The worst part is that half of those people actually took the survey on their cellphone while they were driving through rush hour traffic.

A study says that 75% of people say they still text while they drive. The other 25% are too old to have cellphones and are distracted enough by the constant blinking of their turn signal.

A robot has been developed that can create in people the uncomfortable sensation that someone is standing behind them. The ability to do that has been around for years. It is called your boss.

A study says that a “longevity gene” is one key to a long life. The other is never getting into a car with Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel.

A study says that a “longevity gene” is one key to a long life. The other is to not sit around all day reading studies on how to live longer.

Amanda Bynes’ parents have given up their conservatorship and have moved to Texas. How bad is Bynes’ mental state that her parents are moving to Texas to be around people who are more sane?

Mark Wahlberg will star in the movie “The $6 Billion Man.” The title may cause some confusion as it’s actually a film version of the TV show “The $6 Million Man” and not about the person responsible for the faulty ignition system on all the GM cars.

November 5th was declared “Britney Day” in Las Vegas in honor of Britney Spears. People were encouraged to take part in the celebration by marrying a complete stranger for 55 hours.

Craig Ferguson will end his run of hosting the CBS “Late Late Show” with Jay Leno as his final guest. Having Leno as a guest to say goodbye to another host on a rival network could signal a shakeup so big that Conan O’Brien may wind up over at QVC.

“Toy Story 4” has been announced to come out some time in 2017. Which is ironic in that it is another sequel to the original that came out in 1995, which was long enough before the digital age that kids actually still played with toys.

“Toy Story 4” has been announced to come out some time in 2017. The story line is about how the toys keep from being thrown out because all the new toys that were supposed to take their place got ripped to shreds in a riot with shoppers on Black Friday at the local Wal-Mart.

Sadie Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” says she has written a book with the “hope of helping millions of people.” As opposed to every other piece of merchandise from the show that is only sold with the hope of making millions of dollars.

The NHL says that jersey sponsorship is coming soon. It wasn’t an actual statement so much as that players took the ice with signs on their back saying “This space for rent.”

The NHL says that jersey sponsorship is coming soon. So far so far they have already had a lot of interest in placing ads from Dentu-Creme, Poligrip and Fixodent.

A report says that San Antonio is ready to make a pitch to have the Oakland Raiders move there. What better place for the Raiders than San Antonio where the oddsmakers still have them rated slight favorites over the results of the Alamo.

Charles Barkley says he won’t eat again until the Lakers win. Hopefully, when he does eat again it won’t be at the Lakers training table where he would still starve because it’s impossible to get Kobe to even pass the salt.

Charles Barkley says he won’t eat again until the Lakers win. Of course, the only way he would ever say that is if he has seen that their next game is scheduled against the Clippers.

Mark Zuckerberg says that in five years Facebook will be mostly videos. Which means we will now be able to see our friends completely wolf down what they ordered for breakfast at IHOP.

Mark Zuckerberg says that in five years Facebook will be mostly videos. Which because of the way the digital age is going will all be videos of people asking all their friends whatever happened to Facebook.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here, which gives all of you a much needed break from these jokes. Let’s all power down, and come back refreshed for a new round of drabness and tedium on Monday. The only good news for me personally from this week is that the Republicans have taken back control of both houses of Congress which is going to make my job a lot easier. The only way it can get even better is when you all remember to send the love!

No comments: