Thursday, November 06, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Iowa Senator-elect Joni Ernst gave a victory speech where she said “We’re going to make them squeal.” Which any voters who have ever seen the movie “Deliverance” has no doubt that Congress will follow the film’s plot line exactly on what happens next.

Oregon voters rejected a plan to give driver’s licenses to illegals. Apparently most people there figure it’s bad enough they let people with Idaho plates drive their cars across the state borders.

Amazon is trying out using taxis to make deliveries in California. The only problem is having to pay $85 plus tip for a package delivery in San Francisco that the cabbie took for a ride through Modesto.

The commissioner of the IRS is predicting a miserable tax filing season in 2015. He says it could be almost as bad having to get any help from the IRS as it was in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...

Finland is warning that Europe is “at the gates of a new cold war” with Russia. Which climate change deniers say if there was really global warming it would be a “luke warm” war.

A German bank is charging negative interest for retail customers, making them pay a fee to keep money in the bank. Which would be a big deal if there were any retail customers in Europe that had any money to put in the bank in the first place.

An Egyptian man was caught trying to use a urine sample from his wife for an employment drug test, only to find out she is pregnant. Not only that, he informed his  employer that he was going to have to start out his new job on maternity leave.

A new headset can reportedly use brainwaves to record a person’s dreams. Which is not a bad idea until the user’s wife sees that all his dreams are about Jessica Alba.

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about a fisherman in Florida who is being accused of throwing undersized fish that were considered evidence back into the sea. If the Court decides in his favor, prosecutors will refer to the defendant as the big one who got away.

The Dutch government is asking people not to pee on the Royal Palace in Amsterdam. It’s getting so bad that authorities say the only way they see to stop anyone in the act is to call in that little Dutch boy.

Louisiana has banned several Ebola researchers from appearing at a conference about infectious diseases. Not because they were afraid they might have the illness, but because they were able instead to get the opening remarks made by some cast members of “Duck Dynasty.”

A robotic butler can reportedly be programmed to put away dishes from a dishwasher. Or as bachelors call that, throwing away the dirty paper plates.

A Montana Klansman is vowing to bring racial diversity to the “new” KKK. Apparently the group is willing to take in all white people no matter if they are blonde, brunette or redhead.

A Montana Klansman is vowing to bring racial diversity to the “new” KKK. The group is expanding its membership base to people with skin color ranging fro albino to milky white all the way to pale.

A Montana Klansman is vowing to bring racial diversity to the “new” KKK. Just as long as the members with darker skin tones don’t mind sitting in the back of the bus on group outings.

A Montana Klansman is vowing to bring racial diversity to the “new” KKK. Not only that, the group is now environmentally aware and just places neon crosses on the lawns of people they hate instead of burning them which releases too much carbon into the atmosphere.

Alaska has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Which means they may celebrate it by changing the state slogan to “There is finally something to do here during the winter.”

Alaska has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Apparently it is a move to get people away from taking the magic mushrooms they must have been ingesting when they elected Sarah Palin as governor.

Alaska has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Apparently it is part of a bigger plan to pave the way to bring an NFL or NBA franchise to the state.

Verizon and AT&T are using “supercookies” to track online activity by users. Which for AT&T’s customers is usually using their smartphone to access to the company website or try to call customer service to see why they can’t complete any phone calls.

An Arizona doctor who was accused of pointing a rifle at a woman and her teenage daughter at an airport in Phoenix won’t face charges. Apparently the authorities feel he didn’t present any real danger since he wasn’t carrying more than three ounces of liquid.

President Obama and incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have pledged to work together in the next congressional session. McConnell will work to stop Obama from getting anything passed and Obama will work to make sure McConnell doesn’t have enough votes to override his vetoes.

TurboTax has come up with an app that allows people to file their returns with their phones. The only question people have is whether they deduct the cost of repairing their car after running it into a tree while filling out their tax forms behind the wheel.

TurboTax has come up with an app that allows people to file their returns with their phones. Mostly because anyone using the app doesn’t actually have an income due to not being able to keep a job because they never look up from their phone screen.

Anheuser-Busch is set to launch a tequila flavored beer in the U.S. Apparently it is for people who like the sensation of drinking tequila but don’t like waking up wearing only a feather boa with a new thigh tattoo on someone’s lawn two states from home.

Anheuser-Busch is set to launch a tequila flavored beer in the U.S. It’s for people who like the taste of tequila but don’t want to get too drunk. Which is different than people who like the taste of beer but not alcohol who can always just drink Coors Light.

A study says that newborn babies in a two parent home are three times as likely to hear babbling, cooing and sing-song questions and answers from a woman than a man. Especially if they are left in front of the TV while “The Kardashians” is on.

A study says that newborn babies in a two parent home are three times as likely to hear babbling, cooing and sing-song questions and answers from a woman than a man. Which if it lasts long enough usually is the reason it ends up being a one parent home.

A study says that air inside most gyms doesn’t meet standards for indoor air quality. Especially if you are on the treadmill next to the fat guy who is trying to work off the Taco Bell chalupa value meal he just ate for lunch.

A study says the irregular heartbeat atrial fibrillation can cause “silent” strokes. Especially when the person with atrial fibrillation gets their monthly bill from their cardiologist.

A study links air pollution with ADHD. Which is good news for Americans because that means children living in smog-infested China will grow up to hyper to remember to collect all the money their parents loaned our country.

A study says that most people’s weird sexual fantasies are probably not all that weird. At least until they somehow let Rosie O’Donnell slip into the picture.

A study says that most people’s weird sexual fantasies are probably not all that weird. Except when the sexual fantasy has no chance of becoming a reality, like when Star Trek convention goers imagine themselves actually having sex with another person.

A study says that a dulled sense of taste may boost the results of weight loss surgery. Because apparently it is not enough of an incentive to try to keep the weight off through will power after becoming so obese only surgery will help take off the pounds.

A study says that a dulled sense of taste may boost the results of weight loss surgery. Mostly because completely losing all their taste buds is the only way most Americans will ever be able to actually try to eat something other than a cheeseburger.

Snookie and JWoww from “Jersey Shore” will start the final season of their own show on MTV. People were surprised at the news. Those two still have a show on TV?

Several upcoming Hollywood films are based on a story line involving a world wide drought. Apparently it is a backlash where filmmakers are going the other direction after “Noah” bombed so badly this year.

Several upcoming Hollywood films are based on a story line involving a world wide drought. The last time a movie was shot that revolved around a longer dry spell was the documentary about the last time the Cubs were in the World Series.

Disney says that 3 Million princess dresses from “Frozen” have been sold. Mostly from conservative parents who want to show their daughters that wearing a “Frozen” dress proves there is no global warming.

Disney says that 3 Million princess dresses from “Frozen” have been sold. Although if someone really wants to come off as being cold, they should just order a copy of one of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits.

Beyonce has topped the Forbes list as the highest paid woman in music in 2014, making $115 Million. Although half of that came from Youtube residuals from people watching the elevator video of her sister Solange beating up Jay Z.

Taylor Swift’s “1989” has had the biggest sales of any album since 2002. Which made her want to party like it’s 1999.

Micheal Bay is reportedly in talks to direct a movie based on the 2012 attack on the embassy in Benghazi. Apparently it will be for people who have been in a coma and haven’t had a chance to catch five minutes of Fox news in the past two years.

Paris Hilton is introducing a new perfume called “With Love, Paris Hilton.” Since it is being made for women who want to be like Paris Hilton, the scent has been created with a mixture of anti-bacterials, disinfectants and penicillin.

Dean McDermott says he won’t appear anymore on “True Tori” because it made him want to take his own life. Which is strange in that is usually the way people feel after watching a few episodes.

Jon Gosselin says he would like to be back on TV with his ex-wife Kate. A working title for the show would be “Jon & Kate Plus 8 Along With All The Hate.”

Alex Rodriquez reportedly admitted to feds that he used PEDs. He claims he did it because they helped him with sleep, hair growth and eyesight. They must not have delivered because he obviously never saw all of this coming.

Alex Rodriquez reportedly admitted to feds that he used PEDs. He claims he did it because they helped him with sleep, hair growth and eyesight. Oh, yeah and to help get him that $250 Million contract.

GM is offering $25 gift cards to owners of recalled autos. Which GM car owners are now pretty much considering a fair value trade.

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has been arrested for trying to have two men killed. Apparently he was caught after trying to save some money and find hitmen who would perform the dirty deeds done dirt cheap.

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has been arrested for trying to have two men killed. Which is too bad because if he would have had the job completed, it would have been the first hit for the group since 1994.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the 2014 elections are finally over. Which means everyone in Washington, D.C. is getting right to work. At least on their campaigns for 2016. And 2018. And 2020. At least it gives them something to do other than spending us even more into the red. One thing I am always doing is campaigning, keeping up my goal to get 7 Billion daily readers which is still 6 Billion and some change short. My other campaign issue is to make sure all of you remember to keep sending the love!

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