Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nielsen is going to start rating Internet viewing. Which means we will finally find out which piano playing cat or cracker eating hamster most Americans spend all their spare time watching.

Nielsen is going to start rating Internet viewing. Which will be interesting to see which pages are the most popular once they get past the first 10,000 which will all be porn sites.

Nielsen is going to start rating Internet viewing. Which unlike TV, prime time will take place between 8am and 5pm when everyone is online while they are at the office.

A study says that listening to sad songs can make people happier. Which is why you see so many people always dancing a polka while they are listening to Pink Floyd.

Artificial Intelligence software was able to perform better than the average high school senior in recent standardized testing. Which just means the program was able to make better guesses on multiple choice questions.

The average price of gasoline is now cheaper than milk. Not only that, it doesn’t make your cornflakes anywhere near as soggy.

Doctors are warning that sitting can become the new smoking. It could be even worse because people at least have to get out of their seat and walk outside to have a cigarette.

Doctors are warning that sitting can become the new smoking. The worst part is that people could disguise smoking with a breath mint, but there is no way to hide a rear end that rarely moves from the couch.

The British spy chief says that Facebook and Twitter have become the “command and control” networks for terrorists. The way to tell one of your Facebook friends is a terrorist is when they keep posting selfies with dynamite strapped all over their body.

The British spy chief says that Facebook and Twitter have become the “command and control” networks for terrorists. Mostly because the terrorists know that they can get away with anything because our faces are always glued to our smartphones while we update our social media sites.

Parents were angry that a steamy sex scene on “Scandal” aired right after “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on ABC Thursday night. There hasn’t been this much confusion between a pumpkin and a nude scene since Kim Kardashian’s backside showed up on her sex tape.

Parents at a California elementary school were sent into a panic when the school accidentally sent out more than 700 missing student messages. Apparently the messages were supposed to be sent out by the high school, where 700 missing students is called “homeroom.”

A study says that falling asleep at the wheel accounts for 21% of all fatal accidents. The other 79% drink just enough to keep from passing out before they slam headfirst into a tree.

A study says that falling asleep at the wheel accounts for 21% of all fatal accidents. The other 79% manage to stay awake because of all the texting conversations they have going on while they are driving.

A study says that falling asleep at the wheel accounts for 21% of all fatal accidents. The other 79% have the radio station on to a channel that isn’t on “The John Tesh Show.”

A study says that irregular work hours is linked to a decline in brain function. Which explains the look on the face of the person behind the counter at the 7-Eleven when they are coming off a midnight shift.

A study says that irregular work hours is linked to a decline in brain function. Especially during the recession when people sometimes get up to three years off between shifts.

The Justice Department sent out poll monitors in 18 states to keep an eye on election practices. If they want to catch illegal activity over elections, how about checking out what goes on inside Congress once those elections are over?

A federal appeals court is struggling over the legality of NSA domestic spying. The NSA says no matter what the court decides they will keep doing it. They just want to know if they should act a little more surprised whenever they are caught.

Alex Rodriguez is being accused of paying his cousin $900,000 to keep quiet about his steroid use. Apparently his cousin had a habit of always trying to needle him.

Authorities say a man on a personal jihad may have been groomed in a Seattle barbershop. Remember when getting groomed in a barbershop meant a haircut and a shave?

Authorities say a man on a personal jihad may have been groomed for terrorism in a Seattle barbershop. Police have always been suspicious of barbers. Remember how hard it was for Andy Griffith to ever get a straight answer from Floyd?

Airline fee revenue is expected to hit a record $49.9 Billion this year. Which means there will soon be a “celebration fee” added to all flights just so all the airline executives can throw a big party when they push it up to $50 Billion.

Airline fee revenue is expected to hit a record $49.9 Billion this year. The worst part is when flight attendants try to make the fees look less obvious by selling headphones from the inside of their overcoat.

Ford has issued five new recalls that affected 200,000 new vehicles. Apparently they were dead serious when they said they were going to take the number one status away from GM.

Fox has canceled the $50 Million show “Utopia” which they called the biggest social experiment ever televised. The social experiment part of it apparently was following all the Fox executives around as they try to find new jobs.

Fox has canceled the $50 Million show “Utopia” which they called the biggest social experiment ever televised. It was going to try to beat Fox News’ social experiment of trying to manipulate viewers into voting Republican in every election cycle.

Estimates say that TV stations across the country took in $2.4 Billion in political ads. Which is almost as much as “American Idol” was making back in 2003 when Clay Aiken also couldn’t manage to come in with a win.

An analysis says that the longer someone owns a car, the less likely they are to buy from the same car maker. Especially someone who is still driving a Saturn, Pontiac or Mercury and tries to buy another only to find out they all went under years ago.

An analysis says that the longer someone owns a car, the less likely they are to buy from the same car maker. Especially someone who is driving a 2001 Kia Rio and wants to show people that they can afford something better than a 13 year old Kia.

A report says that two crucial pages were left out of a U.N. climate change report. Apparently the study was so critical of global warming, the U.N. thought it might cause an environmental catastrophe in cutting down any more trees for the extra pages.

A doctor says that West Africans who survive Ebola may develop “post-Ebola syndrome” which results in long term poor health. Although the doctor admits the long term poor health may actually be from getting health care in West Africa.

A DNA test can reportedly identify which kind of snake has delivered a poisonous bite. Which by the time the DNA test comes back at least offers some closure for whomever is filling out the patient’s autopsy report.

A study says that anesthesia-related memory loss can last for days after surgery. The only problem is that all the painful memories come racing back right around the time the patient gets their hospital bill.

A study says that tonsil removal in young people with sleep apnea may improve their asthma. Although young patients who have sleep apnea because they are obese may want to check to see that it just isn’t part of an uneaten donut obstructing their airways.

Experts say that many Americans get hospice care too late. Which shouldn’t be that much of a problem since the only way you can actually be too late for hospice care is if you are already dead when you get there.

A study says that sugary fruit juice can raise a person’s blood pressure. Especially when they are always worried about that guy in the straw hat and Hawaiian shirt who is always trying to punch them.

Fashion designers incorporated face masks into their designs on the runway because of high pollution levels during Fashion Week in China. It was the first time models have ever been seeing wearing masks for a purpose other than to keep from accidentally ingesting any food particles.

A man who had surgery for seizures woke up to find it had cured his fear of spiders. Mostly because being in a hospital changed the only bugs he was afraid of to MRSA, staph infections and Ebola.

A study says that a fear of losing can influence choking under pressure. Which is why so many Democrats were so at ease and relaxed when they were giving their concession speeches Tuesday night.

A study says that a fear of losing can influence choking under pressure. Which is great news for the Cubs, as it proves that they don’t play poorly because of nerves but because they just aren’t any good.

CVS revenue is up after the store banned the sales of cigarettes. Mostly because frustrated customers are instead coming in to buy nicotine patches that they can roll up and smoke.

Kylie Jenner was seen sporting grey hair extensions. Mostly to show people what she will look like by the time she is 30 after growing up around the Kardashian family.

Amanda Bynes says that it wasn’t her who posted a bipolar diagnosis on Twitter. Apparently she says the message was actually sent by one of the voices in her head who was able to hack into her account.

A lawsuit claims that it cost $85,000 to get Mariah Carey ready for a photo shoot. Apparently it isn’t cheap to hire a sedan with porters to carry her from her private penthouse suite to the studio.

A lawsuit claims that it cost $85,000 to get Mariah Carey ready for a photo shoot. The expense came from the only way they could make her up the way she wanted to look was to have her makeup done by Rick Baker.

Raper Lil Jon flew from L.A. to Atlanta to vote in Tuesday’s election. Although he lost a lot of street cred in not having enough felony convictions to make him ineligible to vote.

Kate Gosselin, Brandi Glanville and Keshia Knight Pulliam are scheduled to be on this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” The only question everyone has is exactly which one of them is actually a celebrity?

Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski gave a talk where he criticized President Obama’s military strategy with ISIS. To which most Americans thought Krzyzewski is one of the countries that is currently an ISIS stronghold.

FSU has scheduled a disciplinary hearing for quarterback Jameis Winston for November 17th. Although what they aren’t telling everyone yet is that it is November 17, 2023.

FSU has scheduled a disciplinary hearing for quarterback Jameis Winston for November 17th. At which time he will be given a warning that if he gets in trouble just twelve more times he will hear about it.

A report says that Millennial kids can make up to $10,000 a month playing streaming video games. As opposed to once they have dropped out of high school and the fad ends and they wind up making $10,000 a year behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the elections are over. Which means that TV commercial breaks will go from annoying politicians back to annoying car salesmen. No matter who won the election in your area, one thing is certain. We are all screwed. The good news is that Congress is so messed up and can’t get anything done that at least we aren’t going deeper in debt in the process. I hope you all managed to get out and vote. Although it is kind of scary that anyone who likes these jokes can help shape public policy. While we only get the chance to exercise our right to vote every couple of years, you can always make a statement every day by remembering to send the love!


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