Sunday, November 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Pennsylvania woman reportedly stabbed her boyfriend for starting Thanksgiving dinner without her. Apparently she wanted her own chance to carve up a turkey.

Scientists have found a stress trigger inside the brain. Which is different from the stress trigger found outside the brain that are known as teenagers.

A poll says that one in three Americans has put off medical care because of the high cost. The other two were able to get the medical treatment that will now allow them to live long enough to continue working to pay off their bills.

China has published an “adultery map” which shows where Communist Party officials who have cheated on their wives live. Anyone in the U.S. who wants to see where adulterers live can always just take the tour of the homes of Hollywood stars.

The CEO of Netflix says that network TV will be dead by 2030. Which is sad for the few people who still tune in to NBC knowing they will be watching it suffer on life support for another 16 years.

The CEO of Netflix says that network TV will be dead by 2030. Although most people are more concerned when the cable channels that have all the reality programming will finally go dark.

An economics professor at UC Davis says there is no such thing as the American dream of upward mobility. Apparently he is basing his findings on getting an education, working hard and still ending up as an economics professor in Davis, California.

An economics professor at UC Davis says Americans have the same chance at upward mobility as there was in medieval England. The only difference is that back then, everyone’s dreams were wiped out by the plague where now they go into the poorhouse when they lose their group health coverage.

Two million Hindus gathered in Nepal to slaughter tens of thousands of animals as part of an ancient tradition. Or as we call that in the U.S., Thanksgiving.

Two million Hindus gathered in Nepal to slaughter tens of thousands of animals to bring them luck. We haven’t had that in the U.S. since people stopped believing in rabbits’ feet.

A report says that luxury air travel is a booming business. Most Americans know luxury air travel anymore as actually being able to afford to fly coach.

Germany’s Environmental Minister is calling for people to turn off the lights during sex to save energy. That shouldn’t be a problem. Who would even want to leave the lights on while having sex with someone from Germany?

Four teams are reportedly interested in signing Ray Rice who had his suspension lifted. Although his best chance will be going with the Cincinnati Bengals where a felony record comes with a title. Role model.

A study says that even for most women, even those who graduate from Harvard work expectations fall short. Especially in this economy when anyone just graduating from college usually falls short when they have the expectation of finding work.

Experts say that falling gasoline prices are expected to fuel an increase in holiday shopping. Which means when people go to fill their tank at the 7-Eleven, they will get enough change back to buy all their family members an extra pack of Slim Jims for their Christmas present.

A U.N. panel has criticized the U.S. for violating the terms of an anti-torture treaty. Apparently it has to do with “The Kardashians,” “Honey Boo Boo” and “Duck Dynasty” all still being on the air.

A U.N. panel has slammed the U.S. for police brutality, torture and botched executions. Which that panel says according to the U.N. Charter each nation can only pick two of those.

A report says that the running community is seeing an increase in participation from Black people. Especially those who see a police officer coming their direction when they are in Ferguson, Missouri.

U.S. hospitals are wary of setting up a network to care for Ebola patients because of the cost and stigma. Which is slightly different than the cost and stigma already associated with hospitals, mostly with the cost putting patients through the stigma of bankruptcy.

A legal loophole has allowed the German government to spy on its citizens. Which the government says wouldn’t be necessary if they could go back to the good old days of 1942 when they could just get citizens to spy on each other.

A legal loophole has allowed the German government to spy on its citizens. The NSA has found a similar loophole in the U.S. which they call “So what are you going to do about it?”

The Taliban raided a foreign guesthouse near parliament in Afghanistan. Which means it just isn’t an American tradition to try to find new ways to get rid of relatives who overstay their holiday welcome.

A study says that 70% of seniors say they have experienced little change in their well being when transitioning into retirement. Mostly because there isn’t much well being left after having to wait into their 90s to be able to retire.

Scientists say the Earth is on the verge of its 6th mass extinction. Apparently they came to their conclusion after watching the free-for-all in the electronics section of a Wall-Mart on Black Friday.

Scientists say the Earth is on the verge of its 6th mass extinction. Ironically, mankind is most in danger as long as there are enough chickens to keep us eating as many McNuggets as it takes to wipe us off the planet.

Bill Gates is appearing in ads discouraging smoking in China. Although most Chinese smoke because what comes out of cigarettes is probably a lot less toxic than breathing in the chemicals floating around in the air above Beijing.

Bill Gates is appearing in ads discouraging smoking in China. Gates’ message is that if you smoke cigarettes, your lungs will act like they are running on Windows 7.

A report says that Hollywood jobs are back to pre-recession levels. Mostly because now that the porn industry is back in full swing there is a huge demand for pizza delivery drivers and pool boys.

The GOP majority may change the way Congress crunches numbers. Which may not be good news since their current method has already gotten us $17 Trillion in debt.

New supersonic jets will be able to fly from New York to Los Angeles in two and a half hours. Which means after going through TSA security checkpoints, sitting on the tarmac and waiting for the airline to find a pilot you can book a flight at sunrise and still arrive in time for dinner.

Poor XBox One sales in Japan have already resulted in one executive casualty. The worst part is that they let him know he was in trouble by making him a character in the latest version of “Mortal Kombat.”

A report says that bicycle deaths on the highways are increasing. Mostly from getting hit by all the people who can finally afford gas to drive their cars along with a little left over for some beer and a cellphone to text with behind the wheel.

A study says that dogs can process speech in a human-like way. Mostly because people get almost just as excited as dogs when you ask them if they want a cookie.

A poll says Americans are twice as likely to want to lose weight as they are trying to do so. Mostly because they are three times as likely to pull in to the drive-thru window at Little Caesar’s on the way home from work.

A poll says Americans are twice as likely to want to lose weight as they are trying to do so. At least until there is a program that doesn’t involve eating less or having to get up off the couch.

A study says that more than half of Americans with dementia have never had memory or thinking tests. Mostly because they had one scheduled but kept forgetting to show up.

A study says harm from baseball concussions may linger after the player returns to the lineup. Apparently it is based on the dozens of Major Leaguers who couldn’t remember anything about using steroids through all those years of investigations.

A report says the U.S. smoking rate has dropped below 18% for the first time. Apparently those are the people who see smoking as the one thing that is keeping them from being like the other 82% of Americans who are morbidly obese.

The WHO is advising Ebola survivors to abstain from having sex for three months. Although that shouldn’t be much of a problem as even asking someone out on a date is going to be pretty rough when blood is hemorrhaging through your eyeballs.

A report says that Las Vegas is the most popular city for people traveling over the Christmas holiday. The only problem will be explaining to the kids why daddy has two broken legs and that there won’t be any presents until he can pay off two guys named Luigi and Guido.

A report says that Las Vegas is the most popular city for people traveling over the Christmas holiday. Which explains how people yelling “Baby needs a new pair of shoes!” at the craps table know if they lose their kids will literally be walking around barefoot for the next year.

A report says that Las Vegas is the most popular city for people traveling over the Christmas holiday. Mostly because daddy can have his Christmas fun and when mommy catches him she can still have time for a quicky divorce before the flight home.

A poll says that a majority of Americans would be fine with having drones deliver their shopping items. Mostly because it’s safer than trying to get back to the car with an armload of presents before being robbed in the mall parking lot.

A poll says that Millennials who own small businesses are more optimistic and confident about the economy. Probably because most Millennials still live in their parents’ basement and their business involves delivering papers or running a lemonade stand.

A poll says that Millennials who own small businesses are more optimistic and confident about the economy. Mostly because they are in the 18-34 age group which means they have decades to wait for the economy to turn around before they are able to retire in their 90s.

Smartphone video calling is growing in popularity, especially among younger users. Apparently their friends want to be able to watch while the person calling them while driving is distracted into a head on collision with a tree.

Researchers say they have found a new clue concerning an ancient Greek computer dating back to 205 B.C. Since it required sunlight to be able to see it while operating it and had to be placed near a wall opening, it was actually considered the first computer to operate by windows.

A new app is in the works which will help people report police brutality. Although the best way to avoid police brutality is to not let the cops see you on your cellphone trying to open up the app.

Researchers say that workers in ancient copper mines in Israel were fed well. In fact, their only complaint was that management kept booking Jackie Mason during the dinner show.

New technology allows fans of the NHL San Jose Sharks to actually “feel” players smash into the boards. Or they could get an even more realistic sensation of being smashed into the boards themselves if they try to use their cellphone to make calls in the stands during a match.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving. If you gained too much weight then reading these jokes should help you sweat off a few of those pounds by rendering you completely confused. I save most of my thanks for the days when all of you remember to send the love!

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