Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Chuck Hagel has resigned as Secretary of Defense. Apparently he was frustrated that Congress was cutting his budget for military action overseas to take care of all the combat taking place in the U.S.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. Ideas are being offered to buy a gift for the man who has nothing because he sits around stoned all day.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. If you have a stoner in the family, the only thing you really need to buy is a gift card to Pizza Hut.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. The specials are lasting all the way into February when most stoners actually get around to do their holiday shopping.

A 90 year old former employee of NBC says Bill Cosby used to have him send money to women. The only problem with having someone that old help look for women is that he kept trying to set up Cosby with the cast from “The Golden Girls.”

A 90 year old former employee of NBC says Bill Cosby used to have him send money to women. No one suspected as they figured he was wearing sunglasses and had a cane because of cataracts and a bad hip, not because he was dressing like a pimp.

The Supreme Court is taking on a case that tests freedom of speech on social media. Not to say the members of the court are a little old, but most of them think taking part in social media is going to a quilting bee.

Seattle’s City Council is set to vote on providing Internet access to homeless camps. Ironically, many of the people in the homeless camps got there because they gave away all their money to a Nigerian prince they met online.

A report says that near collisions on airport runways are increasing. Mostly from all the other planes having to go around the JetBlue flights that are sitting on the tarmac for three hours before they finally decide to take off.

A report says a growing number of people are blaming Wi-Fi signals are causing them headaches, nausea and pain. Either that or that’s just what happens after they have been on Facebook and had to look at what each of their friends just ate for breakfast.

57 people were killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan at a volleyball match. In a place like Afghanistan, coaches really need to be careful when they make a substitution and call in for an attacker.

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan caused a controversy when he said that women are not equal to men. Most people let it go because of the fact that Turkey is not equal to other countries.

A study says that iron deficiency and even mild anemia may be healthy for some people. Although you know you are getting old when your doctor tells you to lay off the iron because it is starting to rust the pipes.

Senator Rand Paul is planning to introduce a resolution to declare war on ISIS. The only problem is that before he declares war he has to figure out if it is ISIS, IS, ISIL, SIC, Da’ish or whatever else everyone is calling them this week.

Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has died at age 78. He served five terms. Four as Mayor and one for possession of crack cocaine.

Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has died at age 78. He was also famous for being jailed for possession of crack cocaine. Or as Rob Ford calls him, “mentor.”

Profits for Atlantic City casinos were up in the third quarter. Mostly from people who lost bets from wagering that every one of the gambling establishments would go under by the end of the year.

The World Bank says the world is already locked into global warming. Ironically, while they are predicting rising sea levels most people are already underwater from what the banking industry did to the economy.

A survey says that Millennials talk a lot about their financial future but do little about it. Mostly because their financial present is pretty much still looking for a job just to help them get started on paying off their years of college loan debt.

A report says the U.S. infrastructure gets a D-. Which is still better than most Americans who get an F because they can’t even spell “infrastructure.”

AAA says an increase in holiday travel will jam up southern California freeways over Thanksgiving. Which is otherwise known in L.A. as “Thursday.”

AAA says an increase in holiday travel will jam up southern California freeways over Thanksgiving. Mostly because while no one has a job to drive to anymore, there will be no way to stop anyone with a chance at going to take part in a free meal.

A report says that New Year’s Day is the top day for car theft across the country. Mostly because cars are easily targeted, especially when their owners can’t remember where they parked them the night before.

A report says nearly 2,000 travelers, a record number have been caught by the TSA this year trying to take guns onto airplanes. Mostly a result of NBA teams trying to save money by going from charter flights over to commercial.

A report says that Budweiser is dropping their Clydesdale team from their holiday ads. Apparently some of the horses were injured when the driver drank too many Budweisers, was texting and drove the team right into a tree.

A survey says that 75% of Americans admit to making impulse purchases. Which was already pretty obvious by all the people who are walking around wearing a holiday sweater.

A survey says that 75% of Americans admit to making impulse purchases, and that half regret it. The half that regrets it are the people who received the impulse purchases as their Christmas present.

A report says that California is the state with the most ultra- wealthy people. The ultra-rich are known by having the ultimate status symbol in the state. A home that hasn’t been foreclosed yet.

Honda says it has underreported serious accidents involving its cars since 2003. As opposed to GM which is boasting about not having any of their cars involved in serious accidents in that time. Mostly because they are still all in the shop being recalled.

Salmonella in ten states is being linked to raw bean sprouts. Food industry experts were shocked. There are Americans who eat bean sprouts?

An outbreak of the bird flu has forced a Dutch church to hold a drive-in service. The awkward part was when communion was served by women in short skirts on roller skates.

A study says that abuse of sleep and anti-anxiety drugs is a growing problem with teenagers. Apparently they need the anti-anxiety drugs after they realize they took too many sleeping pills and overslept their math test.

A study says talk therapy resulted in a 26% decrease in suicides. The other 74% ended up jumping out the window when they saw their talk therapy was scheduled with Dr. Phil.

A study says that advanced life support may not be better than being in a hospital when a person’s heart stops. The only problem is that the number one cause of people’s heart stopping is when they are in the hospital and have been given their medical bill.

A study says that lunches that are sent from home are usually less healthy than those served in school cafeterias. The way they could tell was that the kids would actually eat the lunches sent from home.

Robin Thicke is reportedly dating a 19 year old model. He’s 37. Apparently he is able to get away dating a teenager because now when he refers to “Blurred Lines” he means the lines in his forehead that went away with Botox.

Heidi Montag says she is done with plastic surgery. At least until she finds a spot on her body that hasn’t been altered yet.

Heidi Montag says she is done with plastic surgery. Apparently she knew it was time to quit when people kept coming up to her and calling her “Cher.”

Johnny Manziel’s girlfriend tweeted that the Browns need to play him more. She says she is sure if they put him in that he will hit a home run.

Johnny Manziel and his entourage were reportedly involved in a fight in a hotel in Cleveland at 2:30 in the morning. The police report didn’t say that alcohol was involved, although there were several hints. Like the fact it contained the words “Manziel,” “entourage,” “fight” and “2:30 AM.”

Laker forward Nick Young says the team relies on Kobe Bryant too much. If he is just finding this out now it means he hasn’t really been following the team over the past 19 years.

Laker forward Nick Young says the team relies on Kobe Bryant too much. Laker fans were surprised. There is another player on the team?

Apps are available that promise to make people’s Thanksgiving stress free. Mostly the ones that can book out-of-town relatives into the nearest hotel.

Scientists say they have documented seals having sex with penguins. To which conservative radio talk show hosts are saying “See? We told you this would happen if gay marriage was legalized!”

Scientists say they have documented seals having sex with penguins. Before that a seal was only documented having sex with Heidi Klum.

A survey says that Americans are not as concerned with online privacy as much as people in other countries. Mostly because Americans don’t have enough money that would make it worth hackers’ time to try to steal it.

A survey says that Americans are not as concerned with online privacy as much as people in other countries. American men aren’t so much concerned with hackers invading their privacy as their wife finding out who they have been messaging on Facebook.

The FAA is said to be imposing strict rules on commercial drone use. If requiring drone pilots to have training to make them safer, more efficient and more reliable, the FAA says they may even consider making the same proposal for the airlines.


The privacy chief of the NSA is defending the agency's surveillance programs. The NSA having a privacy chief sounds about as likely as the quality control officer from GM or head of customer service for AT&T.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just two days away. But for anyone who wants a little pre-holiday turkey, there is always my jokes. Another way to get into the holiday spirit a little ahead of time is to always remember to make sure to send the love!

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