Sunday, November 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. is warning citizens to avoid resorts in Acapulco. The scary part is that it it is dangerous to to there and it isn’t even Spring Break yet.

The U.S. is warning citizens to avoid resorts in Acapulco. Although most people figure they don’t need to cross the border anymore now that you can have just as much fun in Washington state and Colorado.

The Pope warns that man’s greed will destroy the world. In other words, the Wall Street executives have stopped tithing.

Norway says it will try to grow crops in space. When you are turning to outer space for more plentiful harvests, perhaps it is time to question whether it was such a good idea for your forefathers to settle in a place north of the Arctic Circle?

The Pentagon says that unhealthy eating habits could become an issue for national security. Although soldiers have never been known for their eating habits. Why do you think it is called the “mess hall”?

The Pentagon says that unhealthy eating habits could become an issue for national security. Apparently the military has become more concerned when they see that instead of sleeping in tents their soldiers are more likely to be wearing them.

The EPA has started a campaign asking people not to waste food. Mostly because they are tired of being called in to clean up landfills that have become toxic from people throwing away their leftover McNuggets.

An Ohio lawyer is being accused of hypnotizing a client and getting her to perform sex acts. Usually people don’t experience that feeling from a lawyer until they get their legal bill.

A Japanese company is planning on designing a city that can be sunk into the depths of the ocean. Although anyone wanting to live in a city that is completely underwater can always just move to Detroit.

A Japanese company is planning on designing a city that can be sunk into the depths of the ocean. Or people can just move to any coastal city and wait for global warming to do the same thing.

A two year investigation by the House Intelligence Committee says there was no wrongdoing in Benghazi. Which is disappointing to Republicans because it means the investigation wasted time, was an unnecessary expense and that they now need a new strategy to use against Hillary Clinton.

China has opened its stock exchange to foreign money. Mostly because the Chinese don’t have any money left after loaning all of it to the U.S.

GM is being accused of pressuring a supplier to keep producing a substandard ignition switch. Mostly because they figured why should they be any different than their substandard engine parts, transmissions, chassis, suspension systems...

A Polish town has refused to name a park after Winnie-The-Pooh because of it’s dubious gender and being inappropriately dressed. Which pretty much takes away the chances of the park being named after RuPaul, Richard Simmons or Michael Jackson.

A window washer in San Francisco survived falling 11 stories and landing on a moving car. The car was reported to be heavily damaged but did have a sparking clean windshield.

A window washer in San Francisco survived falling 11 stories and landing on a moving car. People were shocked at the news. A car was actually moving in downtown San Francisco traffic?

The President of Indonesia flew a commercial economy flight to his son’s high school graduation. Which can mean only one thing. His son wants to attend college in the U.S. and he is already trying to do what he can to stay out of debt from paying off tuition loans for the next 30 years.

Test preparation company The Princeton Review is advising students when to emphasize or downplay their ethnic background. Which pretty much amounts to emphasize having an ethnic background unless applying to Princeton.

United Airlines is extending its on board streaming capabilities to Android devices. Mostly as a service to give all their passengers the same opportunity to find something to keep them occupied while waiting four hours on the tarmac before takeoff.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. So far their have been more than 100 applications for loans, all from the Zig-Zag Man.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. They are offering a 30 year loan which means it will take 30 years for someone running the store to remember they have to make a payment.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. Which will mostly be used to buy pizza, Oreos and Doritos for employees to pass the time waiting for the business to open its doors.

The cost of settling the Bernard Madoff bankruptcy has cost more than $1 Billion in legal fees. Which just shows that Madoff would have come out with more money and not had to go to jail if instead he just got a law degree.

The European Parliament is prosing to break up Google. Apparently they came up with the idea after searching for possible solutions by typing it in on Yahoo.

A Pennsylvania oil well is still producing after 153 years. It’s the greatest example of pumping something way beyond its usefulness since Dick Cheney’s original heart.

A Pennsylvania oil well is still producing after 153 years. Which continues to be the inspiration of the Republican Party’s energy policy.

A study says that in the first six years after graduating, students with economic doctorates from top schools like Harvard and MIT don’t do any research that is good enough to be published. Mostly because every class since 2007 is still trying to figure out if we actually still have an economy.

A study says that in the first six years after graduating, students with economic doctorates from top schools like Harvard and MIT don’t do any research that is good enough to be published. Mostly because it takes all the skills they have during that time to figure out how long it is going to take to pay off their student loans.

Honda is in talks to come up with a solution to fix the faulty airbags in their cars. If car executives could have just inflated those airbags with as much wind as they have used in making excuses, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.

Honda is in talks to come up with a solution to fix the faulty airbags in their cars. So far their best idea is to give everyone a big balloon and tell them to start blowing them up really fast when they see another car about to hit them.

A Labor Department survey says that American men’s wages have dropped 3.5% since 2009 but women’s wages have remained steady. And who says the government isn’t trying to do something about giving women equal pay?

A report says that Chinese investors are buying up property in bankrupt Detroit. Mostly because they figure they have a better chance at making their money back than they do with loaning the federal government anymore of their cash.

An increase in the sale of men’s underwear is an indication to some financial experts that the economy may be recovering. Either that or it’s a result of what happens after men take a look at their most recent 401(k) statement.

An economic professor at UCLA says that President Obama’s immigration plan could boost labor income by as much as $6.8 Billion. Mostly from Republicans hiring contractors to try to finally build that fence all the way across the Mexican border.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Especially on Friday fish night about the time when the tartar sauce starts to run low.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Some are getting so out of control they have been seen scowling and shaking their fist at the same person.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Mostly because they need an outlet since they can no longer stand on their own front porch yelling “Get off my lawn!”

A study says that hookahs deliver toxic benzene in every puff. To which conservatives say they don’t care as long as it isn’t Ben Gay.

A study says that smoking tobacco through a hookah delivers toxic benzene in every puff. To which most people who use hookahs are saying “Tobacco?”

A study says that elderly people who run have the same fitness as 20 year olds. Which is good news for the 20 year olds who say if they wait until they are seniors to start running, then what’s the difference?

A study says the obesity rate in many U.S. states is higher than previously thought, mostly because people say they are taller than they really are. That’s because of the people who measure their height from their back to their stomach while they are lying down.

A study says the obesity rate in many U.S. states is higher than previously thought, mostly because people say they are taller than they really are. Which means all we need to do to make it to normal weight as a country is achieve an average height of 6’8”.

A study says that eating too many transfats can hurt men’s memory. Which is OK because if men wanted to be able to forget anything they ever did they wouldn’t ever get married.

A study says that many binge drinkers are not alcoholics. The study also says that men don’t cheat on their wives, all prisoners are really not guilty and the check is in the mail.

Scientists say that an algae virus appears to have jumped from plants to animals, leaving a DNA footprint in some people’s throats. It would be the first time DNA was found that way since investigators took a throat culture from Monica Lewinsky.

A study says that mental health issues are widespread in the U.S. and are suffered by 1 in 5 adults. The other four don’t have teenagers living in the same house.

An outbreak of the plague has killed 40 people in Madagascar. The good news is that there is finally something to take everyone’s minds off of Ebola.

Billy Joel will set a record with his 65th show during the summer at Madison Square Garden. He would have set the record long ago but missed several scheduled performances when he never arrived after trying to drive himself to the show.

Billy Joel will set a record with his 65th show during the summer at Madison Square Garden. He will break the record of 64 times when the Knicks have actually showed up ready to play.

Drew Brees will try to become only the third quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams. The only problem is trying to figure out how to get past the other 31 teams once you have beaten the Raiders.

Tiger Woods has hired Chris Como as his new swing coach. Apparently the problem was until now he was mistakenly taking golf lessons from CNN anchor Chris Cuomo.

Tiger Woods has hired Chris Como as his new swing coach. The problem is nobody has been able to really show anyone how to swing since Perry Como.

The man behind the unsolved secret code on the sculpture at the CIA has released a second clue. The sad part is that the CIA cryptographers are still trying to use their decoder rings to solve “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”

A new app helps people in New York City find compatible roommates. The first thing it does is separate people who prefer to live in a refrigerator box from Amana as opposed to those who would rather have a Kenmore.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is coming up Thursday. That means you still have a few days to figure out how to catch Ebola so you can be isolated from all your family members. There are worse things than getting together with the family for the holidays. It could be every day. That’s why I am here, to make you glad you don’t have to spend more than a few minutes with me every day. You can always consider me your own dysfunctional family any time. Just remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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