Friday, November 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Obama Administration admits it inflated Obamacare signups with 380,000 people who just subscribed to the dental plan. The numbers could have been even higher except for some reason there were no dental plan enrollees from Alabama or Georgia.

The Senate claims the CIA wants to destroy thousands of e-mails pertaining to their spying activities. The disturbing part is that the agency that is responsible for protecting us by being at the forefront of technology can’t even delete some e-mails without being caught.

A company has developed a machine that reportedly can scan a person’s DNA in 90 minutes. It is so accurate that within an hour and a half it can tell if someone has been out with Bill Clinton.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade in a contemporary setting the film would be about a man living in his parents’ basement trying to figure out how to pay off all his tuition loans.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade today they would use typecasting to give the role of Mrs. Robinson to Demi Moore.

Scientists say that using a hand dryer “splatters” the user with bacteria. Pretty much like making out with Paris Hilton.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering.  casino representative says they are setting the odds at 3 to 1 there won’t be any convictions.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering. What’s next, looking into hospitals for overcharging patients for Band-Aids?

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king. Although it isn’t sure how seriously anyone will take a man whose mom made him wait until he was past 60 to take over the family business.

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king.Which is good news for everyone else who believes it’s time for reform when it comes to necessary rules changes for polo.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Apparently the study was done with Democrats right after the midterm elections.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Mostly because the most frequent response to researchers’ questions on the survey was “What are you looking at?”

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. Apparently he was on his way back out of the White House to get it after taking a nap in the Lincoln Bedroom.

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. The man is thought to be mentally disturbed because he claimed to be Joe Biden and it turned out to be true.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. Students should know by now that when it comes to showing digits at school, it is only OK to flash the middle finger.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. The student says he only did it because the school made him leave his AK-47 in his locker during recess.

Pope Francis I says that people should feed the hungry and save life on the planet. Which means just don’t feed them at McDonald’s, Burger King or Taco Bell.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Actually, they just took her down the road to Old Hickory Lake and figured she would never know the difference.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Now that she has achieved that goal, next on the list will be opening a book.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. That’s no big deal. What would really be amazing is when a Tennessee native lives long enough to see a dentist.

Tennessee lawmakers and the Governor are reportedly close to repealing using Common Core in schools. Which means the math curriculum will go back to the more traditional Tennessee standard of “learnin’ them kids how to cipher.”

Comcast is testing an app that tells customers when technicians are within 30 minutes of their home. That gives the customer the opportunity to drive around in a 30 minute radius and see if they can actually find them.

AT&T will settle allegations over illegally dumped electronic waste in California. Which was a result of AT&T customers throwing their iPhones into the trash after they couldn’t complete any calls or get an online connection.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. The head of CBS news is called the chairman because their audience is pretty much confined to viewers who are too old to get out of their chair.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. It was not considered a demotion because at least he wasn’t sent over to CNN.

Singapore Airlines has charged a flier who fell asleep on a flight $1,200 for Wi-Fi service on the plane. Although most travelers say it would be worth the cost if it were to be able to look at anything else other than the inflight movie featuring Adam Sandler.

The Federal Reserve has launched a review of how it oversees major banks. Financial experts were surprised at the news. The Federal Reserve oversees what banks are doing?

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. Although to be really considered a “green” car in L.A. it must not only run on electricity but also have hemp seats and come with a factory installed herbal tea brewer in the console.

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. In L.A. to qualify a car as being “green” all you need to do is turn the engine off any time you are stuck in gridlock on the 405.

An analysis says the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has gone up a bit to $49.41 for ten people. Although that doesn’t include the cost of three more years of therapy that comes from sitting down with the whole family for an entire evening.

A survey says that fewer Americans will go shopping on Thanksgiving Day. Mostly because they have already taken advantages of all the sales and bought all their presents right after Halloween.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is sad because the only reason the mice were using the soap was to cut back on germs and try to be a little healthier.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is no big deal because they were washing their hands before getting some dinner which was cheese in a mousetrap that was just going to snap their necks anyway.

A poll says that Americans’ ratings of healthcare have remained generally steady. In other words, it is still unaffordable, unreliable and unattainable.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Apparently it also isn’t the job of the insurance companies, hospitals or doctors.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Which Congress is bending to the will of the people by trying to make sure health care isn’t available to anyone.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Mostly old age.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Which means elderly people who are using medicinal marijuana are fighting chronic with chronic.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. Mostly the ones they put in office with the election of 2012.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. No one had any idea that many people were still watching “The Kardashians.”

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. The other 4 didn’t need to go to the DMV to renew their driver’s licenses for at least another year.

A study says that rushing to put on a condom can cause problems with leaks. Although the results of trying to save a few seconds might not be fully realized for another nine months.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Like the 9 year olds who decide to go ahead and kiss a girl even though it might mean being infected with Cooties.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Especially the 19 year old college students who decide to go ahead and take out those college loans they will be paying off until they are 89.

A study says that people who have experienced weight discrimination and believe it is widespread are more likely to give up on regular exercise. Which makes about as much sense as an elderly man who has experience age discrimination hiking his pants up a little higher.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Don’t we already have a substance that makes women pick less attractive men? It’s called alcohol.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Mostly because they like going out with Donald Trump and letting him pick up the tab until they realize there is a chance they could have a baby with that haircut.

A report says half the world’s adults could be overweight by 2030. Which means they will have finally caught up with the other half who are already there.

A study says that injecting beads of gel into the walls of a heart may fight heart failure. Which is ironic, especially in the cases where the heart failure was caused by the injecting beads of gel into the donuts they were eating.

A report says that Africa is nearing the eradication of polio. The only problem is that no one is catching polio anymore because they have all died from Ebola.

A report says that obesity is costing the world $2 Trillion a year. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of money that was spent on Chicken McNuggets.

A study says that exercise may not help type 2 diabetics control their blood sugar. Especially when the exercise involves pacing back and forth at the counter waiting for your order of Dunkin’ Donuts to be ready.

The CDC says that 1 in 3 adults drink excessively but are not alcoholics. Which proves the theory that the first stage of alcoholism is denial.

The FDA has approved a hard to abuse hydrocodone painkiller. The tablets are designed to thwart abuse by chewing, crushing or snorting the pills. Hopefully drug addicts won’t ever figure out some way of maybe just swallowing them.

The 6-4 Seattle Seahawks say that they don’t have a “Super Bowl hangover.” If there is such a thing, it means the Raiders can be proud to claim they have been completely sober since 1984.

The Buffalo Bills’ game against the New York Jets has been moved to Detroit on Monday because of all the snow in western New York. To which the fans are saying it would be crazy to play a game in such dangerous conditions. Which is why they want the game moved back to Buffalo.

The NSA Chief says that China could cripple the U.S. power grid and financial networks with a cyber attack. Or they could just wait a few weeks and let the inevitable happen by itself.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! I ignored the obvious joke today, having to do with the Raiders actually winning last night. Mostly because jokes need to be based at least in part on truth and no one would have suspended their disbelief for that one. Beating Kansas City no less! And not just the cheerleaders this time. Well, I guess miracles do happen around Thanksgiving time. And even after Thanksgiving when you find you can still fit into that Members Only jacket you have had hanging in the closet since 1976. Don’t worry. It will come back into style. Just like these jokes never go out of style, since they are all pretty much left over from 1976. Hope you all have a good weekend and before you get ready to go and fight the crowds for your pre-Black Friday shopping spree, remember to take some time to send the love!

No comments: