Thursday, November 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nestle is working on an “exercise in a bottle” that helps burn fat like exercise. People say they would use such a product, although they aren’t keen about the idea of having to actually get up from the couch and over to the refrigerator to get one of the bottles.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means that the person sitting in the driver’s seat will actually get to become a back seat driver.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means the cars will automatically be pulling in at every available Starbucks and turning in to the drive-thru at each McDonald’s.

Burglars in Chicago crashed a car into a mall, stealing $120,000 in merchandise from a Louis Vuitton store. Which means they got away with as many as three handbags and a pair of shoes.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. Mostly because it’s no fun for hackers who get bored trying to break into the same five sites.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. For one thing, the divorce rate is way down without men having the chance to be caught by their wives while they are looking at porn sites.

France has given lawmakers new powers that could allow them to impeach their president. To which Republicans are saying they had no idea that Francois Hollande had been caught getting oral sex.

A report says that hackers can now even steal data from computers that aren’t online. Which means even Internet customers of AT&T are no longer safe.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly because they are so wealthy they finally just ran out of stuff to buy.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly the Wall Street executives who want to have enough money around to pay for bail in case they are ever actually caught.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Apparently the study is called “The American Economy.”

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. The study was conducted by researchers at the University of No Kidding.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Which is not a big concern for most Americans who haven’t actually had any need to use a bank since 2007.

The U.N. says the world is not close to avoiding dangerous warming. But that is understandable as we also aren’t close to peace, economic stability, hunger, corruption, unemployment, pollution...

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Plus there is a special Alabama Barbie who comes with Meth mouth and tattoos along with a Ken doll wearing a wife beater and holding a Confederate flag.

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Not only that, she lives in a Dream House that comes with its own “Foreclosed” sign in front.

A province near Beijing is aiming to move its polluting factories overseas. Which means we have finally devised a plan to get all the jobs we sent over there back into the U.S.

The Justice Department collected $25 Billion in fines and penalties. Which was a real bargain for the Wall Street banks that paid the money in return for stealing about a trillion dollars from Americans while destroying the global economy.

A British hotel tried to charge a couple $100 for writing a negative review online. Or as Super 8 Motels calls that practice, the company’s profit margin.

The Secret Service says it is renewing its emphasis on training and hiring. For one thing, they could start by hiring people who can be trained to remember to lock the front door of the White House.

Buffalo, New York has been buried under more than five feet of snow from a series of storms. It is almost as white as the rest of America under the proposed Republican immigration policy.

A BYU student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to As. What’s worse is that by getting caught he also got an F in his computer programming class.

A BYU-Idaho student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to A’s. School officials became suspicious when it was discovered for the first time a student from BYU-Idaho actually had some A grades.

President Obama is making a pitch to expand high speed Internet into schools. That will give them the chance to look at their Facebook page and e-mails for the few minutes they are in class and can’t use their smartphones or tablets.

A collection of more than 200,000 movie posters is going up for auction. The trick is to find the seven posters that come from movies that did not feature Kevin Bacon.

Folger’s Coffee says that its recent price increase was a “misstep.” Who do they think they are, Starbucks?

Nielsen says it will start to measure viewership on streaming services like Netflix. The only problem is that it will finally reveal that no matter what people say they are watching online, 95% of what they are checking out is porn.

The first McDonald’s in Moscow has reopened after a 90 day shutdown because of health violations. Which shows they are just like Americans. After only a few days without his Big Mac fix Vladimir Putin invaded the Ukraine and Crimea and is already trying to start up the Cold War again with the U.S.

GM says it is trying to figure the root cause of the Takata airbag problems. Although there wouldn’t be a problem if the airbags didn’t need to be deployed from so many people running their cars into trees because they are texting while driving.

An economist says the U.S. is still in the early stages of economic recovery. Which is a nice way of saying we are really just stuck in the late stages of the depression.

The Obama Administration says it is open to limits on the duration of its military operations in Iraq and Syria. Apparently that means this time we will just stay there until we run out of soldiers or money, whichever comes first.

A “dating guru” based in L.A. has been banned from the UK. Mostly because he claims one of his most successful clients is Bill Cosby.

JetBlue will start to charge for checked bags on some of its lowest fares. Although most JetBlue passengers like to take only carry on luggage so they can have access to changes of clothes while their flight is sitting on the tarmac for three days.

A study says that alcohol damages white matter in the brain which can disrupt a person’s judgment and reasoning abilities. Which is apparently already pretty much impaired by the fact the person is drunk in the first place.

A study says that mental and emotional stress might have a more serious effect on women’s hearts than men. Which is mainly because most of the mental and emotional stress in a relationship is caused by the men.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. Which is because the women are usually the shorter of the two and they are kissing a man who has probably not brushed his teeth or flossed in three weeks.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. If you are getting 80 Million bacteria from your partner’s saliva, the biggest threat isn’t illness as much as drowning.

A study says that cocaine damage to the heart is often undetected. Especially when they are such a heavy user that they can stay up another three straight days before they realize they have already died.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In other words, things are pretty much back to normal.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. President George W. Bush says he knows how they feel since his wife is a liberian and she hasn’t worked in a liberry in years.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In that country, when the boss gets a sick call it usually also means he has to post a job opening.

NASA says that living in zero gravity affects men and women differently. Especially men who don’t have to listen to the women curse the effects of what gravity has done to them.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Until they keep staring at a pair long enough for their wife to hit them in the head with her flats.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Especially when they are worn by a woman.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Although it has to be remembered the research was compiled by people who think lab coats and glasses are attractive.

A study says the sudden stress of police work can cause an increased risk of heart attacks. Which evens up the score because the same feeling comes for everyone else when they see the red lights in their rear view mirror.

Forbes has ranked Beyonce as the top earning woman in music, taking in $115 Million in 2014. Although she still hasn’t produced a music video that has gotten as many views as the security camera shots of Jay-Z getting beat up by Solange in an elevator.

Meredith Vieira says she prefers to go commando. Which was discovered when the answer to most contestants on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” with what they would do with their money was to “buy Meredith some underwear.”

Chris Hemsworth has been picked as People’s Sexiest Man Alive. In a related story, for the tenth straight year Larry King has been chosen as the Sexiest Man Not Alive.

Firefox has dropped Google as its default search engine and has replaced it with Yahoo. The worst part is that people are using Yahoo to search for Google.

Dictionary.com has picked their word of the year as “exposure.” Apparently they haven’t been watching “The Kardashians” or the word of the year would have been “overexposure.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of overexposure, this site is still the victim of serious underexposure. My goal of 7 Million daily readers is still around 6.9999999....Billion below projections. Feel free to tell your friends or better yet start a chain letter that tells people to read the jokes or suffer serious consequences. Like being made to read the jokes. I always appreciate you taking the time to check them out, and the only thing I like even more is when you also remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Sending you love, Jim!