Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

St. Louis University in Missouri has been giving students tips on how to protest if there is more unrest in Ferguson. Apparently they need the help because when it comes to making protest signs, they have never actually been taught how to write by hand.

Students and parents at a high school in Arkansas have complained about a teacher who brings her baby to school and breastfeeds it in the classroom. Apparently the teacher just wants the baby to be close to its father who is in her second period math class.

Berkeley, California will vote on putting climate change labels on gas pumps in the city. People were surprised. There is someone in Berkeley who owns a car that runs on gas?

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. Although he claims he just used the blubber as a fat to fry up the dolphin, Bengal tiger and rhinoceros specials he was offering.

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. He says he bought it from a fisherman who hooked it off the Redondo Beach coast and told him it was just a well fed tuna.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. Although if she wants to get inside the doors of the top management at work she got the wrong kind of implant.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. The bad part is that she will have to go back into surgery if her company ever decides to change the locks.

Indonesia is being criticized for testing women police recruits to see if they are virgins. If they are, they are immediately put on duty as meter maidens.

A study says that the U.S. world ranking for personal freedom has dropped to 21st place. While the study hasn’t been officially released yet, the information was just put out from the parts that have been hacked and intercepted by the NSA.

A survey ranks Germany as the world’s favorite country. In fact, a sign at the country’s borders now proclaims “No Attempts At Global Takeovers in 70 Years.”

A study says that slumping over a cellphone to text or check e-mails can add 60 pounds of pressure on a person’s neck. Not to mention the pressure on their neck from the hands of their wife when she sees who her husband is texting with.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. And you thought it was scary the first time you were asked to come over and meet your future spouse’s “Family.”

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. It will be nice that his vows of “‘til death do you part” will be the exact length of time as his prison sentence.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. How bad will it be for his fiancee’s old boyfriends who have live with the fact they just didn’t measure up to Charles Manson?

A proposed Italian law that would make it easier for businesses to get rid of employees has sparked protests before even being passed. It will become much more of an issues just as soon as any Italians actually are able to find any work.

A task force has recommended changes to the Ohio State marching band due to an “undercurrent of inappropriate behavior.” For one thing, band members complain they are the only students in the country who are still required to know how to write in cursive.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Marley was picked as the top choice after the company eliminated the other candidates which included the Pillsbury Doughboy, the Keebler Elves and the M&M spokescandies.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. His official title will be “smokesperson.”

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Even when he was alive he was called “the late Bob Marley” because he was so stoned it would take him three hours to find where he was going.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because the middle class people don’t have any money left after they buy the necessary L.A. status symbols of a BMW, Laker season tickets and Botox lips.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because it takes a half million dollars just to get into a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. The other four apparently can’t be afforded by anyone because they are still going through foreclosure.

Chicago radio station WGN was knocked off the air when some water pipes in the building burst. Which shows that the old saying is still true, that to keep a radio station on the air you need to have a great set of pipes.

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. And who would know better about how to get to the bottom of the issue than the biggest set of windbags on the planet?

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. Auto industry experts were surprised. Takata has a quality department?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. Who do these people think they are, the IRS?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. And who would know about angry lenders more than the people who represent a country that has racked up $17 Trillion in bad debt?

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. The other 34% don’t have to worry about having kids since they live at home, have no job and have years of college loans to pay before they can even think about landing a date.

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. Or as other generations call that, being men.

2014 Bar Exam scores saw some of the lowest totals in ten years. The good news is that law schools won’t face any legal action from the students because they barely know how to file the paperwork for small claims court.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. What’s worse is that the one they do have will officially be considered their place of residence.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. And those will just be the ones who are still buying from GM and need a spare for when their main car is in the shop for the latest recall.

A dispute could cause CBS to go dark on the Dish Network. Which makes no difference as the people who still watch CBS are old enough to still have a set of rabbit ears on top of their TV.

A new app shows users what 200 calories of different types of food looks like. Which usually amounts to the portion of the doughnut the user has already eaten while looking at the app.

A baby with eight limbs was born in India. The child has already been scouted by Nike. Not for an athletic endorsement, but as someone who can sew four pair of shoes at once in one of their sweatshop factories.

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. Or as most American employers know obese employees as, “employees.”

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. The worst part is when companies replace “Time is money” as their motto with “You’re costing us, fatty!”

“Vape,” which means smoking e-cigarettes has been picked as the Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year. Mostly because it is the only word in young people’s lexicon that hasn’t been shortened to an abbreviation or acronym by kids for texting.

A study says that cocaine causes heart problems. Mostly when a user realizes they just spent their life savings on their $1,000 a day habit.

A study says that a high fructose diet may contribute to anxiety and depression during adolescence. Which most parents of adolescents are asking how can anyone tell?

A study in England says that using antibiotics during dental procedures can lower the risk of heart infections. The study would have been completed 30 years sooner but it took that long to find any people in England who actually had any dental work done.

The Cleveland Clinic has completed its second face transplant. The first one was done when LeBron James announced he was going to Miami and was afraid of being recognized before he was able to leave town.

A study says that it is good to quit smoking even if it associated with a weight gain. Which is ironic that people gain weight after quitting tobacco, but only after they start smoking marijuana.

A man in India who complained of a buzzing noise in his head was found to have maggots in his ear. And you thought it was bad when you couldn’t get rid of that earworm.

A study says that eating less may help keep people’s minds sharper. Mostly from trying to remember where everyone in the office is hiding their stash of snacks.

A study says that eating too many trans fats may damage a person’s memory. Especially when their roommate starts asking what happened to that bag of Doritos they put in the cabinet.

A study says that working the night shift may slow a person’s metabolism. Which is why public offices close in the afternoon as it would be physically impossible for government workers to move even slower than they do now.

Reality based networks are turning to scripted shows to improve their ratings. Producers would have tried to combine the two, but none of the cast members from “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” or “Honey Boo Boo” could actually read a script.

“Knight Rider” creator Glen Larson has died at age 77. He was preceded in death by the show’s talking car KITT, who was recalled by GM back in 1986.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. The magazine says that no reader would have thought the interview was real as the parody actually had Woods answering the questions.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. Members of the sports media were surprised. Dan Jenkins is still around?

A German company has found a way to make water and CO2 into synthetic petroleum based fuels. Apparently BP is suing for stealing their idea since they did the same thing to the water in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Senate has failed to move forward on a bill to reform the NSA. The bad part is that the results were leaked to the media by the NSA three hours before the vote was even taken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama is expected to take executive action on immigration reform any day now. Which is great news for me in that I will no longer have to try to hide the undocumented aliens I have in my basement sweat shop writing all my jokes. Hey, it isn’t easy for me, either. That means I still have to get someone to translate from all those different languages. Which is good in that I have someone to translate any language you use when you remember to send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Love the WGN line.

BTW, WGN's Orion Samuelson, who's been there since Ike was president, says he couldn't remember anything like that ever before.

Imagine how many stations have been knocked off by squirrels shorting out power grids.